Advice on letter to uPD sib about unwelcome contact

[TheBraveOne]

I need to send a letter to my uPD sister to make it unequivocally clear that ongoing personal contact from her is unwelcome. I wanted to get some advice on what to say. I know any type of contact can be "supply" to a PD, but I need to start building evidence in case I need to pursue a protective order.

The tricky thing is that our mom passed away recently, and my sister is in charge of the estate (yeah, yuck). As a result, I will need to have some communication from her related to that situation. However, that communication should be legal and formulaic, not personal. I've set up a virtual P.O. box in another city (about two hours) from me. That service will scan received mail, and then open and scan it, forward it, or recycle it based on my preferences. I've given that address to a family member and said that is the channel to reach me with estate-related information.

We haven't been directly in touch for several years. In a nutshell, she sent an abusive tirade of texts over a week's time, then told me she'd never speak to me again after I didn't respond. [BTW, I had told her previously--in writing--that I would not respond to abusive communications from her]. Her decision to not speak to me was fine by me. I had some pleas from my mom to resume the relationship, but haven't been willing to entertain that (I personally could have probably handled a VLC scenario for my mom's sake, but NC is best for my kids).

Over the years, I've gotten contacts from email aliases that I know are from my sister. I've also had several instances of social media accounts in my mom's name being created and asking to "friend" me. My mom was not technology-savvy so I know it wasn't her. And I have no doubt it was my sister trying to get attention or a reaction from me.

No one in my family has had my phone number until my mom passed away. I gave it to one family member who reached out--and who promised to protect my privacy and not to share my number. Of course, my number landed in my sister's hands. And of course, she starts texting. The first one started out "I know you want privacy, but..." (really? ). I resorted to leaving my phone off a lot, but finally just changed the number.

Yes, I could block her, but I'm just uncomfortable with her having my number at all. I wouldn't put it past her to get alternate phone numbers. I have had years of not having to worry about manipulative garbage showing up randomly on my phone in my life when she needs attention and isn't getting enough from other sources. I'm done.

Although I blocked her in my primary email long ago, I had some older accounts that are still active and that I check rarely (one to two times per year). I just checked one recently...and guess what? Of course. Emails from multiple aliases, but very clearly from her. Eight of them on the first screen from the past few weeks. I bet I'd find more if I went through old messages. Oh she loves me no matter what and misses mom so much. She misses my kids. Hugging and praying hand emojis. Well, no. No thank you. 

The worst? She sent an email from an account USING MY DECEASED MOM's NAME. For me, that crossed a line into way too creepy territory.

In the past, she's done things like calling CPS, driving around my area to try to figure out where I live, showing up at a community event where she anticipated I would be, and starting social media accounts to (by her own admission) keep tabs on me. She also built relationships with in-laws and neighbors to try to have a window into my life. All of this was previous to NC, and I'm concerned that my rejecting her overtures could prompt some of these more intrusive behaviors again.

I realize that in losing my mom, she lost a dynamic. She had quite a bit of control over my mom in recent years and wants to fill the void. I'm not the answer--and my kids aren't either.

So, as I understand the situation, the best next step is putting her on alert that any contact that isn't directly related to the estate is unwelcome. No calls, texts, emails, social media follows, gifts, letters, showing up in my community, tracking my movements, contacting friends or colleagues, etc.

I'm going to get some legal advice, but wanted to start here in a community of people who get it. What do I need to cover?

[AlisonWonder]

I am sorry you are going through this and I am sorry for your loss.  I feels sure anything you say or do will be used against you.  I don't want to hurt your feelings but I don't understand the purpose of your letter, because you have already made it so clear you don't want contact.  This letter would be contact.  Think of your kids.  These people can change, but they can't *be* changed by us.  It was probably manipulation as infants that got them so messed up in the first place.

I hope you can find some way of getting a lawyer to handle things for you, but not so that she can run up a huge bill by wasting their time at your expense.

For what it is worth, I am in the same position as you are with a will.  We may have to let it go

[TheBraveOne]

Thank you for your reply, AlisonWonder.  I agree with you in principle about not making contact. It's not the best thing to do, but it is something I may have to do to take any legal next steps.

Unfortunately, the laws around stalking and harassment are very strict in my state. There has to be proof of fear of physical or sexual harm. The contacts I have aren't overtly fear-inducing (at least the ones I have read. I actually just discovered even more dating back years. Many more, actually). However, if someone explicitly says they don't want to be contacted by another party and the contact continues, that can be construed as causing fear, even if the contact is superficially benign.

Previously I said I wouldn't respond to abusive texts, but never explicitly said don't contact me in any way (because she was the one who said she'd never talk to me again. I just let that choice of hers continue even when she tried to resume contact). So, I may need to take that step about being explicit about not wanting to be contacted. Then, if it continues (outside of a very narrow scope related to the estate), it may be a stalking or harassment situation.

It's unfortunate that our laws are so narrow. Manipulative people can definitely find loopholes!

I'm sorry you're going through something similar. It's hard enough without difficult people in the mix.

[AlisonWonder]

I think I see where you are coming from.  Can you afford to pay a law firm a one-off fee to send her a letter?  Or is there any legal aid?
I think it needs to be impersonal and by-the-book as they can even make fuel out of how you didn't put the stamp on straight.

Or you could ask what is the point if you have to contact her, and just stay NC.  Just because there is a law does not mean you have to use it if something else is better for your personal situation.

[TheBraveOne]

I've been on this journey for years and understand my personal situation better than anyone. I've been steadfast in upholding my boundaries. I feel it's important to be positioned to pursue legal options if that becomes necessary. If that means a single clear communication to cease all contact--from me or another party--so be it. I can continue to uphold my boundaries. If my family member continues to disregard my boundaries, I will have more options available to me than I do now.

I understand that breaking NC isn't desirable. However, in my specific personal scenario, that could limit my options to pursue a legal path. I just want that option on the table.

[bloomie]

I've been on this journey for years and understand my personal situation better than anyone. I've been steadfast in upholding my boundaries. I feel it's important to be positioned to pursue legal options if that becomes necessary. If that means a single clear communication to cease all contact--from me or another party--so be it. I can continue to uphold my boundaries. If my family member continues to disregard my boundaries, I will have more options available to me than I do now.

I understand that breaking NC isn't desirable. However, in my specific personal scenario, that could limit my options to pursue a legal path. I just want that option on the table.

TheBraveOne - you absolutely most certainly do know your personal situation better than anyone! Doing what is best and right for you is empowering and very important. We are here to support you in your choices and validate how incredibly difficult being stalked by a sibling who has proven themselves abusive, unstable, and untrustworthy can be.

I know that many, in conversations here and elsewhere, maintain that after going NC any contact is ill advised. And I certainly understand not wanting to give supply and contact willy nilly, but I would disagree with that one size fits all approach because, in my own experience with a sibling, going no contact by silently stepping out of their life is seen as a blank canvas upon which my own sibling will paint whatever picture of the nature of the relationship that justifies their continued pursuit. And they will not give up. They will simply find another way around and in and through because they are entitled to the relationship, contact, 'family member' they 'love' so much.

There is a time to speak, firmly, resolutely that you want zero contact other than what is legally necessary to settle your parent's estate and to document you have unequivocally made this clear and have identified the avenue of business contact.

Taking action when that is breeched and ignored can be far cleaner and clearer after that.

It is also kind to be clear and to do so in a way that there can be no confusion. You do not want a relationship with your sister. That is honest, that is clear, that is kind - to you and to her.

I gently disagree with the notion that you have to let the will and your mother's estate go because it means some amount of business exchange through proper channels with your sister. You are smart, aware of what you are dealing with, and able to do what is of most benefit to you and your family and what honors your mother's wishes to the best of your ability.

And you are not alone and have our support! 

[Starboard Song]

My North Star is remembering that our boundaries are for us. Each and every day, and in every way, we do the things we do so we can protect a space in which we thrive, for ourselves and for all those who rely upon us. And there are no gotcha points awarded in Heaven for perfect form. So if at any time a breach in NC is in your best interest, that can be the right call for you.

We had to breach NC for a couple months to deal with an end-of-life and estate issue. Another time there was a major breach to address another family issue after another death. And now we have a mild, indirect entanglement that is not what we'd pick, but is the best, right thing overall.

You asked for advice on what to say.

What we've done is to describe our intent and what we will do: "this email is available for......" and "we will work with you to ensure....."
And we'd address the converse of that: "this email is not to be used for....." and "any other communications are unwelcomed."
Then we laid down what we'll not do: "we won't reply to any message that........"

You get the paraphrased idea. We avoided any request in any form at all. Like "please don't......." That was unlikely to be successful, and turns this into a constraint on them rather than a clean boundary: a statement of what you will or will not do, or engage with.

I'd avoid reasons, unless you feel moved to provide one. But if you do, there are ways of providing a reason that are unasailable because they are based entirely on your own judgment. Like, "I believe any other communications would only......" kind of thing.

I personally am a fan of pouring cheese on vegetables: it is harmless to be exceedingly polite, and toss in kind, warm words. People really differ on this: some think that confuses things, or it even can just feel repellant. For others, it is a free act of grace that makes them feel more at ease. Follow your heart. But whether your tone is warmly generous, like I'd propose, or more sterile and professional, which is totally fine, make sure it is polite and detached.

You're going to do great.

Good luck.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You've got this! Bloomie and Starboard gave great thoughts.

Just wanted to add that I also have sent a cease and desist letter to my parents who were stalking/harassing/slandering me. I sent it certified mail and made them sign for it. Like you, it was a necessary step to protect myself and my children, because doubtless they would have continued and potentially put my family in danger. The CPS thing was a major concern of mine. You are wise to document and to lay the groundwork to protect yourself legally. Your sister sounds absolutely unsafe. And a good parent protects their kid from unsafe people. 

I did visit a lawyer for advice and she had the integrity to tell me that having the letter come from a lawyer did not give it any greater weight. It's purely a formal warning.

This is very hard. After I sent my letter I anxiously awaited the return receipt. Seeing my uPDF's signature on it put me in a funk for days. Be kind to yourself, we are here! Especially as you are going to continue to have some contact regarding the estate, at least for the short term. Some people do let inheritance go, but it would be an injustice piled up on injustice as well. Only you can know what's best for you, absolutely right.

[Ilove....]

TheBraveOne,

Can I ask what is the situation like now with you?  Did you speak with a lawyer/solicitor. Did you send a letter. 

So much of your original post stands out to me and can be applied to my situation too but different scenarios.   These people dont stop. 

Did the abuse escalate after the letter or what happens. 

I'm in dangerous waters with my NC sister. She decided to tell herself a new story and spin it to my employers back.   Just making drama out of nothing.   

I'm in a position where I am contemplating civil legal action and I am worried that it may escalate her anger.