My "boyfriend" has been lying to me for years

[HereYouComeAgain]

Hello! I'm just going to blurt out everything about myself. My mom sent me here because she said it helped her and she and a lot of others think he has NPD.

I was in undergrad in college in 2017. I had anorexia and decided to recover. After I had enough calories to sustain activities and a personality, I met Will and we became friends fast. We spent everyday together. I developed feelings quickly, but I knew he didn't have feelings for me because I knew he did this with a lot of girls. One of whom was Olivia. He had become close to her the semester before meeting me. However, her parents were going through a divorce and she distanced herself and when she saw he and i together, she distanced herself further. He hated this. He refused to admit feelings for her at that time, but he did after the fact.

Side note: during this time our play was quite physical, not sexually. But it commonly escalated. One example is we were wrestling in the grass and then he pinned me down and shoved leaves in my mouth.

Anyways, after I realized I had feelings for him I wanted to tell him to move on because he was very misleading. He would hammock all night with me then pull away. He would drive 6 hours to visit me on break but then insist we were friends. I broke the news I had feelings for him. He said it was reciprocal. Olivia heard this then admitted to him she had feelings for him too.

This begins the journey into the dark. One night, he kisses me and that turns into more. Olivia finds out and she turns the tiny campus against me and I get the slut label (he was not in a relationship with either of us). We continue being physical. I know we aren't monogamous, but my one requirement was that we be open about sexual experiences outside of us. I go home for summer of 2018. From this point onward, he insists he is never physical with anyone else but me.

This begins a whole new cycle of hot and cold. He "has hope for us." then he questions "why I insist about being around him all the time." He comforts me when my dad gaslighted me. I start to pull away because he gets pretty volatile and this drives him crazy. He then gets me in a car to hang out and talk but it derails and he physically abuses me. Afterwards, we get reported to campus directors because of the bruises all over my body. I told my friend about that night because it was upsetting me. He asked if I told anyone and I didn't want him to get mad so I lied. When she comes out of anonymity to further the reporting case, he gets infuriated. He is so hurt that I lied and can't even fathom touching me. (he soon apologizes and wants to touch me again).

After this period of time notable things that happen:
I write his thesis/papers/help him study because he is in danger of not graduating
I go to Spain and he is wanting to talk all the time then stops suddenly
Olivia gets a boyfriend and they stop being friends in Summer 2019
He and I visit his aunt and cousins and when I daydream about his getting a job where I go to grad school he says that "sounds like someone in a relationship would do." This causes me to stop talking to him for months.
We get back in contact and I move in to his house when the pandemic hit in 2020.
When I leave for grad school in fall 2020, I break it off again because of the meanest text I've ever received talking about how boring I am and how uninteresting I am.

We got back in contact January of 2021. It felt like he had changed. However, after awhile, he admitted he lied to me the entirety of our time together since May 2018. He had been physical with Olivia and lied about it on multiple occasions when I'd ask. He also lied to make it seem he liked me to a similar level I liked him. He would talk about how horrible my dad would be for gaslighting but meanwhile manipulating me and playing mind games more than any other person in my life. He told me I was lying and he couldn't trust when I didn't tell him about telling my friend about the abuse. He didn't want to touch me afterwards because he could touch Olivia. He said if Olivia hadn't have gotten a boyfriend he wasn't sure if he'd ever choose me.

I feel lost. Life before him was a fog of anorexia and a bad family dynamic. I felt awake with him--alive. Now, I know I can't stay with him, but I feel like my whole life with him is a lie. I've also never been able to leave him because I loved him. Now I feel like I don't know him but I'm scared I won't have the gumption to leave. I'm heartbroken. I can't believe he would manipulate me like he did. I didn't think things were good before I knew the lie--I thought he was a good person who was stuck with feelings for two people. Now, I realize he actually is a bad person. I'm scared I'll go back. I'm scared I won't go back. I'm just heartbroken and so confused.


I should also note also I am stuck living with his aunt (3 hours away from him) for the summer for clinicals.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh gosh! My heart goes out to you. What an experience you have had.
Please read as much as you can on this forum. First and foremost read the toolbox and start implementing any strategies that might be helpful for you - medium chill, boundaries, grey rock come to mind.  Please also read the Personality disorders tab so that you have a better idea what you are dealing with.
What in particular stuck out for me was that he blamed you for lying about not telling the physical abuse instead of apologizing for abusing you! Really? The wrong that was done was that he abused you.  You should not keep the silence about something like that. It would make you complicit. Someone who seems to think he has the right to abuse you and then blames you for telling another person does not respect you, nor does he take responsibility for his actions. What makes you think that you deserve such bad treatment?
Do you have support in real life? A therapist? Family? Friend? A CoDA Group? If not, I urge you to find a support network and work through your own issues that make you tolerate such bad behaviour.
You are not alone in this! This forum is full of people with similar experiences to yours and at various stages of healing from the abuse. Stick around and keep posting.

[HereYouComeAgain]

Hi! Thank you so much for reading this whole thing and replying. I didn't think it was that bad what he was doing. I didn't really care as long as he had a semblance of care for me. Now that I realize everything was a lie, my eyes are open to what he really was. I do have support. My mom and sister are a few hours away. I have a lot of friends in the program I'm in that can help me, but I just know I'm going to be mourning so long and I go pretty hard when I grieve so I'm dreading that. Crying in class isn't my favorite either. I also don't know what to do about living with his aunt this summer.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have reached out for support and encouragement as you work through your experiences with this person. My heart goes out to you. This is a lot to come to terms with.

I don't know how you recover your equilibrium and good mental health without a team of support around you. I am glad to hear you have family and close friend support and that you have joined the community here. Another spoke to the wheel that may help move you forward would be a good therapist and researching trauma bonding.

I would also suggest talking with a domestic violence counselor and getting a read on your current level of risk from this person and to begin to see patterns of behavior with someone to guide you who is a trained expert. As you share here be very careful to protect your anonymity by identifying you are using pseudonyms. What many also do is change up details enough to protect themselves.

Another way to asses risk: https://www.mosaicmethod.com  (completing this also helps clear away some cobwebs that can obscure our view of how truly wrong some of the behaviors we have encountered have been)

A couple of helpful resources:

A book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
The Betrayal Bond by Dr. Patrick Carnes

A website where you can safely and anonymously chat live with a DV counselor: https://www.thehotline.org

I hope you can make other arrangements for your living situation and keep the line bright and clear that you are moving forward and toward health, hope, healing, and a beautiful future.

Your emotions are most likely all over the map. How could they not be? In your trusting and sweet innocence you have encountered what very well may be a master manipulator and there will be grieving that will come.

Keep sharing over on the Separating board and wherever else is a good fit for you here on the forum boards. Make good use of the resources at the drop down menus above and the other resources linked throughout the forum content.

It will get better. It really will. You have shown good judgment and great courage in reaching out. We are here for you and we will support you in the coming days.