Bad week with uPDMom

[yellowdaisy]

So my uPDMom is a real mixed bag when it comes to PD behaviors. Her behaviors cause her to be emotionally distant, neurotic and co-dependent a lot of the time.  I am getting married, we are having a very small, backyard sort of wedding with just close friends and family. We want it this way on purpose, not bc money is an issue. So I ordered a dress online for ~$100. It's just a simple, cute summer dress. I don't exactly like wearing tight clothing, so the dress is flowy. Plus, I am not really one to dress revealingly, not that there's anything wrong with it I used to dress that way when I was younger, I am just not exactly a feminine kind of person in that way anymore. Especially for a small wedding like this, I just want to be comfortable.

Anyway, so I was really excited about my dress and sent a pic of it to M with something along the lines of, "What do you think? I love it!" She calls me and asks me what type of fabric the dress is, then asks how much it cost. I told her around $100 and she goes "oof...I didn't think you were gonna say THAT much..." and then also tells me the dress isn't her taste, but if I like it then that's all that matters. I said, "Well yeah I never thought it would be something you would wear?" We talked a bit more about how I'm going to style the dress, what accessories I will wear etc and somewhere in there she throws in a half hearted "I like it" Ok then, she also adds in that she likes my hair color black (what it is is now) better than red (what I had it for about a year) because red doesn't go with my skin tone. Oh...ok, ouch?

Hours after our convo I was feeling pretty upset. I tried to brush it off and thought, 'What else did I expect?' but then I decided to text her and tell her how I felt. The text wasn't angry, just honest. I told her she had hurt my feelings and why and said I want to have a good relationship with her and so I wanted to be clear and communicate how I felt and that I am not sure if she realizes how she comes across sometimes. She immediately called me and apologized and said that her intention wasn't to hurt my feelings, she just didn't know what to think of the dress and didn't want to lie to me. I felt better after we talked and thought it had been resolved. I don't really care if she likes my dress, but it felt like on the phone she was trying to put me down. So as long as she wasn't trying to do that, then that's fine with me.

I have now gotten phone calls from her for the past 2 days, the first one was her apologizing again and said that she would have to wait to see my dress in person, that she had expected me to get something more "form fitting" because I have such a great body and she had never shown off her body when she was my age, and now her body isn't what it used to be and she can't do that anymore, she also asked if I wanted to make an appointment to try on wedding dresses so I don't miss out on the experience, and I said no I don't think I need to do that, plus I already have a dress. Then she said, "If you find something you like, I'll pay for it!" And I said no thanks, again I already have a dress. I feel like you're trying to get me to pick a different one bc you don't like the one I have." And then she goes, "Oh no no! I just wanted to make sure you didn't feel like you were missing out on that experience."

There was another part of a phone call where I was telling her about the veil I had picked out and when I was done explaining it all she said was "hm, ok"

The icing on the cake is that DS was sick earlier this week with a 24hr bug and then I began to feel sick and Mom wanted me to take DS to the doc and I said that he was fine now, but if he gets worse again or has a fever I'll take him. About an hour later I get a text that was meant to be sent to my sister, from my mom, saying "yellowdaisy is sick. Do you think DS should go to doc?" I called her and told her she had sent the text to the wrong person and that I already told her I would take care of DS, that she didn't need to worry because I am his mom and will take care of him. It's my problem to worry about not yours or sister's.

Thanks for reading. A lot of this is just venting and so I can process it all. It's just been a very trying week. I am upset that uPDMom has made my wedding dress experience into something completely unnecessary and stressful. I told my fiance earlier that everything in my world has been totally fine this week, it's just been the phone calls from uPDM.

Anyone else have experiences with their PDs and weddings? or PD's who are super anxious and use others to soothe themselves? After this week I am about ready to pull my hair out. Idk if my mom is just on another manic anxiety episode or if she thinks this wedding is for her and DS is her son. I've distanced myself from uPDM and that's made our relationship a lot better but it seems I'm going to have to go on an info diet as well. There's no just 'mentioning' anything with her. If you have any advice and/or insight I greatly appreciate it!

[Cat of the Canals]

Wow, my unPD mother did almost the exact same thing with my SIL, right down to offering to take her to try on dresses "just for fun" when my SIL had already found a dress (she scored a really cute dress secondhand for an insane price).

Except my SIL was naïve enough to accept the invitation, and then got totally blindsided when my mother started giving her the hard sell on one of the expensive dresses she'd tried on, making comments like, "I just think you should consider the fact that one day your grandkids are going to see photos of you in this dress..."

The weird thing is that my mother wore a very simple secondhand dress at her own wedding! She still has it and has never expressed regret over wearing it. So it must be some bizarre control thing and has nothing to do with the ACTUAL dress.

Beyond that, your mother's comments sound exactly like things my mother has said to me in the past. They're not *quite* insults, but they certainly aren't compliments. And she 100% dumps her anxiety on everyone else and expects them to just DEAL WITH IT.

I would definitely consider an info diet, because the dress fiasco was just the tip of the iceberg, honestly.

It sounds like your wedding is similar to what they planned - a small outdoor affair on the farm where they were renting a house. They intended it to be their close friends and family, but my mother wouldn't. stop. inviting. people. Every distant cousin and relative and old friend, regardless of their closeness to the family. She invited friends of hers my brother had never met. A girl who interned at her work years ago and was back in town that week. It was insane. When my brother told her to stop inviting everyone she met on the street to HIS wedding, she told him, "This isn't about you." 

I've been with my partner for almost twenty years, and after witnessing what she put my brother and SIL through, I decided I am NEVER having a wedding.

[yellowdaisy]

Cat of the Canals - I've read about and experienced how PwPD's tend to have the same patterns and behaviors, but it still surprises me every time when my experience is eerily similar to someone else's. Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel less alone.

My uPDMom too did not wear anything fancy or expensive for her wedding either! I definitely agree it is some weird control thing, as you've said. Reading the story with your SIL and mother has really put that into perspective for me.

I'm sorry to hear your mom has done the same thing with the not-exactly-insults as mine does. It's super confusing, I've realized after writing this post that I need to do some more work with separating emotionally from her so the comments do not impact me like they have.

I can definitely see why you've made the decision to never have a wedding, my goodness! The whole point of us wanting to have a small gathering was to avoid drama, bc we also deal with PDs on my fiance's side. I did not anticipate this from my mom, not to this extent at least, but it seems that weddings really bring out people's true colors! I think you're right too that the dress is just the tip of the iceberg. Bracing myself for what's to come 

Thank you for sharing!

[SparkStillLit]

Oh my STARS. I wanted to have a smaller wedding TOO but my pdM did the same THING!!! Wouldn't stop inviting people!!! "Do you remember so and so from kindergarten, well I ran into them at the grocery store and invited them to your wedding!!!"
I sent out 300 invitations and about half-ish of those people showed. It was an outdoor venue and my mom paid, had it catered, all the bar owners in town donated because they know her so we had plenty, but freaking STILL!!!
WHOSE WEDDING WAS IT?????
So yes, sadly this is not unfamiliar territory.
But my dress, I was 5 hours away in another town and my friends/bridesmaids took me on a delightfully boozy shopping spree, and I found my dress on clearance. So pish posh on that!
PDM and PDMIL made me cry MANY TIMES, though. As did PDSIL.
Red flag, people, red flag 🤪🤪🤪🤪