The moments that lighten the soul

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Stepping lightly

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The moments that lighten the soul
« on: April 07, 2021, 10:41:34 AM »
Hi All,

Many of you are familiar with our story with my SKs and their uBPD/NPD mother.  We had some extremely brutal years, nonstop accusations, terrified of every move we would make because it was twisted into something disgusting and terrible, and BM was successful in making the professionals see it "her way".   We literally could not stop and grab a pizza for dinner without there being a major controversy and professionals involved.

We were recently on vacation with the kids who ware now 13/15.  During dinner one night, DSD15, BM's golden child, told DH, "no matter what was going on, you were always constant and patient.  You didn't let it change how you reacted to things and we always new what to expect".  I mean- BAM- that is what we wanted!  The calm in the storm, we figured that was the best we could hope for with everything that was thrown at us.  The years I saw DH struggle behind closed doors in order to show his best face to the kids, the hours of calm discussion with a raging pre-teen filled with horrible ideas about us from her mother, the endless discussions of "what is best for the kids regardless of our feelings".

Then she turned to me, looked at me and said, "I don't know how you walked into the middle of all of everything."   The thing that stuck with her, when I would drive her to/from school- I asked her what music she wanted to listen to and talked to her about her day.  She said I was always so calm (I never felt calm).

These moments don't always last, and DSD could come back to us next week angry about something, but getting that glimpse into her thoughts was the fuel we needed to keep doing what we are doing. 

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Bloomie

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Re: The moments that lighten the soul
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2021, 12:48:18 PM »
Stepping lightly - what a beautiful moment for you and your DH to savor. Such important knowledge to have when tough times come. You all have been a consistently safe place for these kiddos. Bravo and keep fighting the good fight!

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sevenyears

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Re: The moments that lighten the soul
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2021, 04:36:10 AM »
That is wonderful. I'm so happy for all of you because those moments really count. Keep being rock solid.

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Free2Bme

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Re: The moments that lighten the soul
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2021, 03:51:01 PM »
Stepping lightly,

I am rejoicing with you, so glad you and DH received this affirmation.  We make these sacrifices hoping for a good outcome for the children, knowing there are no guarantees. 

I appreciate you posting this.  I'm going on 5 years of this with my 4 (teen/young adult) children and have been discouraged at times when I doubt my efforts are having any positive impact.  This gives me hope.

Keep building upon this good thing with the children, you're doing a great thing!

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Penny Lane

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Re: The moments that lighten the soul
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2021, 02:29:46 PM »
That is amazing! Both the clarity and the willingness to express it to you. This is why we keep going for the kids!

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athene1399

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Re: The moments that lighten the soul
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2021, 03:12:04 PM »
This is great to hear! It is always validating to hear that your hard work over the years has been noticed. Sometimes it is difficult to believe that little things like this make the difference. I am so glad the kids opened up to you about this.  :)

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hhaw

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Re: The moments that lighten the soul
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2021, 10:44:41 AM »
Amazing to read about these hoped for moments.

I'm so relieved to read this....to tears, I'm relieved, bc I know the sacrifices and trauma don't always end this way.

What amazing kids you've helped shape through this nightmare.

Bravo and thank you for sharing all the ups, downs and..... this miracle of emotional survival.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Latchkey

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Re: The moments that lighten the soul
« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2021, 07:49:22 PM »
SL, I've been busy with work and life and not able to post much this past year, but I remember your stories and sooo glad that you got this much needed validation.
 :cheer:
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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oak_tree

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Re: The moments that lighten the soul
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2021, 12:27:33 AM »
Thank you for sharing, SL.
It's so motivating to hear that. It's easy to wonder and even despair that SKs are just not seeing things "right". Those moments of clarity that they have are so encouraging.