How do you know about an onset of PD ?

[ploughthrough2021]

I have endured about 30 years of what I think is emotional abuse from my uNPDw.  I am in the process of getting a separation from her.  I have waited until recently to separate to minimize the impact on the kids (we have three who are now 15, 17 and 19).  The twist is that I am now suspecting that our youngest (daughter) has some kind of PD (demanding, lack of empathy, etc.).  Just wondering how to deal with it.

[Penny Lane]

In your situation it's really hard to parse out whether the behavior stems from a PD, from what we call fleas or if it's normal teenage behavior. (At the very least, it's probably a combination of #2 and #3).

My advice: For now, treat it as if it's a solvable behavior. Do all the things you would do if your PDw wasn't in the picture: Model good behavior, set boundaries, impose consequences for being demanding. Try to walk her through how to act appropriately, show her what empathy looks like and why it's important, and so on.

One hard thing is to avoid being triggered by the PD type behavior. Even if it's a normal teenage thing, being subjected to the same stuff you got from your ex is very hard. I suggest finding some coping mechanisms so that you can stay calm in the face of potentially bad behavior.

Hopefully that will work. Eventually she will be an adult and you will have to do a hard thing that everyone on this board, and all parents, have to do: You will have to acknowledge that your ability to sway her has basically ended, and you will have to decide what kind of relationship you want with her as she is.

But for now I think the answer to your question is somewhat impossible to know whether it's a PD or not, at this point. You can do some things to mitigate the behavior for now, and hope for the best in the long term. A therapist (for you, for your daughter, and for the whole family) would probably be helpful here.

[ploughthrough2021]

Thank you Penny.  That is sound advice.