Psychological abuse from NPD brother?

[Danboro]

Hey everyone, this is my first post here  I guess I should start by clarifying that I'm a 27 year-old male with (what seems to me like) a lot of mental health issues, mainly crippling anxiety and constant depression. Those issues started when I was in secondary school and have persisted to this day. I guess it has a lot to do with my childhood, being raised by a mother who had serious drink problems, and who I suspect has BPD - My dad was virtually non-existent. My relationship with her has been very intense over the years, some may say toxic, but I see the goodness in her and can't find it in me to leave her (I still live with her atm).

Anyway, I have a younger brother (25) who I suspect has NPD. We were very close growing up, having had to go through a lot together, and are still very close now. He often refers to me as his "best mate", which would seem odd to some, as I'm a very anxious introverted gay man, and he is the opposite in every single way. Having struggled through school and college, lost my only friend and then effectively isolating myself, I ended up forming a close "friendship" with him. He took me on my first "night out", which was a huge deal to somebody like me - a social recluse. He showed me another side to life, which was exciting. Due to turbulent circumstances at home we moved in to a flat together, which I thought was great. I had a job in retail and my confidence was slowly growing. Then my brother decided to throw wild parties, inviting half the nightclub back to the flat (sometimes I was asleep for work). I begged and cried to him to stop, but he basically made it clear that his popularity came above all else. Our neighbours were practically outside the flat with pitchforks and we were served with an eviction notice. He didn't care and decided to move in with his girlfriend, leaving me in the flat alone, which I couldn't afford. I ended up trying to take my own life, after which I moved back in with my mother and saw a therapist. She told me to cut ties with my brother as she felt he was bad for me.

Fast forward a few years...

I didn't listen to the therapist. I tried my best, but whenever I tried to move on with my life, he would surface. He constantly let me know I was his "best mate", and how much he has done for me socially (taking me out partying to clubs, meeting new people), and basically how grateful I should be that he gives me the time of day. This was around the time I was a left a £70,000 inheritance. He also received the same amount but blew it pretty quickly on "certain substances". Suddenly I found myself on nights out, partying with him and his friends and paying for everything. I felt like I didn't belong in that group, and that I had to pay for everything to be accepted. My brother was at the forefront of all of this. Sometimes he would invite me for a drink, "just you and me", but then an hour later a few of his mates would show up, all with no money and he would ask me to pay for the night basically. My money didn't last too long either. I started having serious anxiety attacks and my self-esteem just plummeted.

Now, he has a long-term girlfriend, but I still feel he uses me for "freedom". For example, he will tell her he is spending some time with me, then when he is with me, he invites a dubious friend over to party. These are the times when he tells me how much he has been there for me, and how much he has done to try and raise my confidence - but I feel the exact opposite. There was one time when he asked me to change my profile picture on Facebook because I "looked like a freak", and he had a mate coming over who might search me and see the photo. So I changed it. That honestly crushed me. He makes me feel like I have to look a certain way around him if I spend time with him, and now I'm terrified of the camera. He is obsessed with photos and looking in the mirror. He even remarks on what a "good looking man" he is after he takes a photo. When he takes photos with me he has to take about 10 different ones, telling me to pose a certain way, or "that one looked weird". Now I get physically sick when he wants a photo.

There's also been a few incidents when he has completely managed to turn his outbursts or violence on me. I once had to step in to stop him attacking his girlfriend. I ended up with a massive gash on my forehead (which is scarred to this day), crying on the floor, covered in blood. Within a couple of seconds he was on the phone to his girlfriend's parents telling them I had gone crazy and made them feel unsafe. While her parents were on their way round, he told her to go along with everything he said and back him up... She did.

Last year we booked a music festival together (his idea) - its now happening in August this year. At the time he told me not to invite his girlfriend and keep it a secret from her. A month ago she expressed interest in going to this festival and wanted us all to go - then the tickets sold out. She was obviously unaware we already had tickets. He phoned me in a panic telling me to lie to her and say I booked them that day, I reluctantly agreed but felt awful. He has since managed to get her a ticket (through resale), and now it feels like he is playing with my head. I had a little outburst the other day because I had enough of his behaviour (shouted, called him names etc), then I receive messages this morning... Him telling me that maybe I shouldn't join them in August. I wasn't happy, obviously. Then he says I am mentally unstable (because of the outburst), and he doesn't feel comfortable around me, so he wants to attend with just his girlfriend. It just baffled me, especially coming from somebody who has flew into huge rages and attacked people. Suspiciously, this comes at a time when I no longer have any savings. He has also told her that I don't want to go with her, which is not true. I feel like he is playing some weird mind game with me. Almost like he enjoys playing both his girlfriend and myself, up against each other.

Anyway (I could go on an on with more examples), I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though I need to cut ties from him completely, but at the same time he has made me feel like he is the only person (other than my mother) that wants to spends time with me. Truthfully I am scared to make other friends now, it seems too daunting. I feel that people won't like me, or that they will notice how socially anxious I am. I know I'm far from normal myself, and sometimes I feel a bit of a hypocrite slating my brother. I just hate myself because I've wasted so many years with a "best mate" who has consistently treated me appallingly - or like a personal bank (which he once referred to me as infront of his friends).

I have lots of issues with my family, and life in general, but this is the main problem atm that seems to be crushing my self-esteem and causing major anxiety. At 27 I've never even had a proper romantic relationship with anyone, just casual flings. I don't know what my next steps are, I just feel like I'm trapped in this ugly mess of a situation. It's gone on for too long.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! What a roller coaster ride you are on!  You have found a good place here, full of information and support. I believe that knowledge is power and the more you know about what you are dealing with, the better you are able to adjust and respond flexibly. I strongly suggest to read as much as you can, a good start would be the Personality Disorders and Toolbox tabs.  The strategies Medium Chill, non JADE, and Boundaries were a life saver for me.
The faster you accept that you cannot change anybody but yourself - the quicker you will be on your journey of healing from the fog.  You might also want to look for some outside real life support like a CoDA group or a therapist who knows about c-PTSD.
This forum is full of people who are on different stages of their path out of the problems that living with difficult people brings. We understand. Looking forward to your posts.

[moonset]

Welcome Danboro

Like notrightinthehead says,  you've found a good place here. I also echo what they say about learning more about NPD and the Toolbox strategies to set boundaries with your brother and / or go low / minimal / no contact, depending on what works for you. If it were me, I'd cut him off for good.

The next step is to start your process for healing, and reconnecting with you who are. What your brother has told you about you just isn't true. His judgements of your character, what you look like or who you are, are false. They are completely distorted by his own mental illness. They are his projections onto you of what he wants you to be - easy to control and keep down. But he's not fooling you anymore, because you've made the brave step of joining us, and sharing your story. And a part of you knows that you are a decent human, that you don't deserve to be treated like this, amirite? And there's power in that!

From everything I have learnt, people with NPD need to keep their supply in a submissive place so they can feel superior - and that is what he has been doing to you. Most people who are abused by narcs start to make themselves smaller and smaller, hiding away the vulnerable, beautiful parts of themselves in case they get ridiculed. Losing touch with these parts of yourself starts to break the psyche and your self esteem - and you end up not knowing who you really are, what your purpose is, what brings you joy,  and what gifts you have to share with the world. You rely on others to define you. But knowing and owning these things is at the heart of healthy self confidence, and that is where to invest some time in your healing journey. It will be a continual process, but changing the narrative of the voice in your head telling you that you're worthless / weird / whatever other horrible things it's saying, and interrupting them with 'hey, that's not true, I'm actually good at X, Y and Z' will help to continually lift you out of that anxious feeling that no-one will like you, and instead, you'll be saying and accepting with yourself: 'I'm good just as I am'. To begin this process, there's lots of books and video content out there - search 'building self esteem' or 'cultivating self confidence' to find something that resonates with you. Therapy is also a great place for this, if it's available to you - and someone specialising in trauma and attachment is best.

You mention your social anxiety and fear of making friends. These feelings are very common in those who have developmental trauma / CPTSD (as many of us who have chaotic childhoods or PD parents do) and you're not alone. It comes from not having the right support, guidance or modelling from our caregivers to form healthy friendships with others when we were kids. We just never learned what to do, but thankfully, for us late learners, there's lots of wonderful resources on YouTube (search 'how to overcome social anxiety') from people who have been through similar experiences. To start simple, talking like this on online forums is a gentle ease into it. You write fluently and well, why not use that to share more of your stories, like and dislikes, opinions, or show support for other people with similar experiences as you. Start with baby steps and you will soon be on your way to developing new friendships with good people. 

And this one is a bit random, but it's something that really helped me  - the 16 Personalities test (search for in Google) is a great, lighthearted way to get to know yourself better - try it and see if the results rings true. I am a big believer that everyone has gifts within them, and discovering what those are, along with our weaknesses to own, helps to turn off the stories we tell ourselves about how 'bad' we are.

Looking forward to seeing more of your journey, with love and light

[Danboro]

Thank you for the replies, I will definitely start reading as much as I can and check the Toolbox strategies. It's a relief to have found somewhere like this, where there are people who have been through similar experiences.

@moonset I am so grateful for your reply. Everything you have described really does resonate with me. Something in my brain has recently been telling me to seek help... At first I thought I was being paranoid, doubting whether or not this was the reality of the situation but now I know there is a real problem, and I need to do something about it.

I can see that you really do understand where I'm currently at in life - I have definitely lost touch with myself. I don't recognise who I am, or what my purpose is anymore and I struggle to find much joy in anything. When I try to remember the person I once was, it seems like a distant memory that has faded.
I never even considered the possibility of having CPTSD, but it does make a lot of sense, so that's something I will explore. I think I'm going to look at having minimal contact with my brother, and then perhaps cut him off for good eventually. As you say, my first step is healing and reconnecting with myself, which is something I think is very long overdue.

Thank you so much, I will be sure to check out everything you have recommended, including the 16 Personalities test 

[Boat Babe]

Hey Danboro. First of all here's a big hug for you 

You have been given some solid intel above and you have got some learning to do at the beginning of this journey of yours. I can promise you that, with support and courage, you can totally reclaim your life and grow into the amazing man you were meant to be. You can regain your emotional equilibrium and strength. And thus you can become a whole, integrated person with purpose and lightness of being.

One of the worst aspects of PD abuse is the erosion and eventual loss of yourself. I remember that feeling and never want to experience it again. It is a living death. Many here would concur. I am so glad that you can see that this is happening to you because this is where that process of attrition by your brother stops. This is where you begin to disengage from his abuse and rebuild your life.

[MarlenaEve]

Dear Danboro

Welcome to this forum!
No one can understand what it feels like to have a PD sibling more than this forum. So you're in the right place.

Your therapist is right. You need to cut ties with him. A video I watched recently on narcissists (your brother is definitely a narcissist) told on the deep programming that narcs instill in us. They actually change our brain chemistry by acting as good people (best buds) one day and cold, cruel and aggressive the next day. When they do this they know they keep us attached to them because, if we know they can ALSO be kind, nice, cool and easy going at times (my parents can be pretty easy going when they want to) then there's a chance we'll never EVER abandon them. They think that we'll think they are just 'flawed' people and we will get over ourselves and forgive them (over and over and over again).

This is the line that Nmother spoke to me earlier this year. Brothers can be mean to each other but you need to forgive them whenever they do something wrong. I asked her why would you need to forgive someone who is constantly doing something wrong to you and is not willing to change? She said Because he is family and you need to forgive and forget what family members do. Families need to stick together.(or something along those lines).

This is what she said so no wonder she thinks abusive behavior is normal and if she behaves abusively toward me I should find it in my good heart to forgive her. This is truly f"""ed up.

My point is, you are being manipulated by your PD brother and emotionally abused, and kept in a trauma bond. You don't deserve abuse. Just because your FOO made you feel like abuse is normalized in these households, it DOES NOT MEAN abuse is a normal occurrence in American or English or Romanian families. Abuse is abnormal. Abuse is a disease.

Distance yourself from him the way you can. There is the Toolbox section in this forum-the grey rock will help keep things on a superficial level with your brother. Start with grey rock and then go slowly into low contact. I wish things were easier with NPD siblings.
I'm LC with my sibling and half NC with one. It took me many years to finally reaching the NC decision with my 2nd brother who's afflicted with NPD.

If you want extra help, try email Margalis Fjelstad, the author of "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" book. Her email newsletters are amazing. They help lift the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) when in relationships with PDs.