Therapist says CPS may be needed

[Think-Albatross-740]

I'm 47M with a 50F uNPD wife and a 9F kid. I'm going through surgery next week, then my plan was to leave my wife and sue for divorce in a couple of months when I feel better. My plan had been to make a simple 50/50 custody offer. And take my half of custody when I have a permanent living situation worked out.

Today, in therapy, I described an incident where my wife yelled at our daughter: "F--- you [name]" the kid said "I hate you!" and my wife said "Good!" Later she went into the kid's bedroom, opened the door violently, and yelled "You're a monster! You need to apologize to me right now!"

There was another incident I described where my wife was berating me obscenely for something while our daughter -- seated at a table in between the two of us -- cringed in sadness and shame. She was yelling at me "what the f--- is wrong with you??" and then at the kid "that was a very stupid f---ing thing to do". I have this latter incident on video.

After I gave details of these the therapist said "You know I'm a mandated reporter, and this sounds like emotional abuse. If you want me to file with CPS, keep talking." She wants me to be involved in filing a CPS report, possibly after my recovery from surgery.

The thing is, my hands aren't entirely clean. I used to lose my temper at kiddo's bedtime when she was stalling and resisting brushing her teeth etc. I would yell and grab her and get scary. There have never been any injuries or police reports though (on either of us parents). My temper loss hasn't happened since December, after I quit drinking and entered therapy and started on Lexapro. My wife continues to fly off the handle at me and the kid on a regular basis (several times a week). My concern is that if I file a CPS report my wife may well do the same, although my incidents are older. And that could mean kiddo gets taken from us both and put in The System, which is dreadful.

I want to move out, get a stable home where I can have my kid with me too, and then file the CPS report. Any guidance on what I should do would be appreciated!

[bloomie]

Think-Albatross-740 - hi and welcome to the community. I commend you for turning a corner in your life and realizing that you needed to make some significant changes in your own parenting and coping and are now positioning yourself in the stance of advocacy and protection for your child.

This is a lot to think through and these decisions have serious and far reaching consequences as you so wisely acknowledge. We are not in a position to give guidance, but we can encourage and support and others can share what has worked for them in similar situations.

For now, I am wondering if your child has support from a therapist or mentor? The atmosphere you all are living in sounds like it can turn quite toxic. The big difference between you as an adult and your child is you have a choice to leave to a better situation. Your child does not.

My suggestion is to continue working through this with your therapist and develop some kind of plan for the very near future and that part of that plan be some help for your child.

Boundaries with consequences and using medium chill or the gray rock method are a few tools you can use in dealing with a high conflict person. Check the glossary and toolbox above for more help.

Some great free articles from the High Conflict institute could be very helpful to you to read through and gather more tactics and insights as well. Those are found here: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles/tag/bill+eddy

Keep sharing and working your plan to get you and your precious child to a healthier living environment. I'm glad you have chosen to reach out and join us here. Strength and much wisdom to you in the coming weeks.

[JustKeepTrying]

You are making a real difference in your life.  Really taking steps forward and that is admirable.  Congratulations on your sobriety.  I hope that in addition to the therapist you consider working the steps.

Have you spoken with a lawyer?  They may have a different approach that would be helpful.

I encourage you to get counseling for your child.  At the least, it will show any potential CPS that you are a proactive parent.

Document.  Document.  Document.

Don't stop therapy for yourself.  It took me years and I am still working through it after living with a PD.  Do it for you and your daughter.