Intro...Elderly BPD mom

[ArmadilloKate]

Wow. I've only read a couple threads and wish I'd found this site a long long time ago. I don't even know where to start.

Me and my sis were raised by our mom, who is diagnosed with bipolar, depression, and anxiety. I have no idea if she has been diagnosed with BPD as she just tells me she has a little bit of depression and anxiety. But she fits ALL the criteria, not just some.

Throughout my teen years she was suicidal, cutting really bad and not hiding it, leaving bloody razor blades out, leaving out books about how to commit suicide. Blaming my sister as "the bad one" (spoiler: not bad) and saying thank god she has a "good child" that is keeping her alive (me). We never got professional help. I'm finally in therapy in my 40s because the eldercare issues have been extremely retraumatizing, especially the self-neglect. Me and my sis just want to walk away but feel we can't really because she has no one. I just want to be done. I don't have a single ounce of love for her, I still react in full on survival mode around her, and feel like a trapped wild animal near her (even very basic texting leaves my hair standing on end), and I am working on reducing the guilt and shame I have about all that.

Guess that'll do for an intro. Thanks for this group I can tell I'll feel less crazy and alone.

[Boat Babe]

That sounds just awful. I really feel for you and your sister.

The good news is that you are now in a position to start letting go of fear, obligation and guilt around your very disordered mother. Do mine the depths of the Out of the FOG website and also have a look at the book recommendations.

I would take a guess that you have complex PTSD given the craziness of your childhood so do please look into getting help for that.

This forum is a lifesaver and you will find wisdom, understanding and support as you begin to heal.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome

You are in the right place. I'm glad you found the forum.

It took me many years to finally see that for me walking away was the only real option I had. Just because someone is family it doesn't mean we can manage the abuse.

Before I went no contact I did try my best....and a lot of what you describe is familiar.

Hopefully you find lots of helpful conversations here. Welcome.

Trees

[ArmadilloKate]

Thank you for the warm welcome Boat babe and Trees and for the validation. 

Boatbabe, thanks for mentioning Complex PTSD...that helped me find the Out of the Storm resources. Yes that fits. My therapist doesn't really do diagnoses but he uses the term complex trauma with me. It's actually a relief isn't it? To know you aren't over-reacting or being stupid.

[Boat Babe]

God, no, you aren't over reacting or being stupid ❤️

People who haven't experienced PD abuse, from a parent or SO, cannot comprehend the awfulness of it. Sure they know that there are statistics about violence, sexual abuse etc, but they have no idea of the dynamics and cost of psychological and emotional abuse over a long period.

At this stage on your healing journey (if anyone can come up with a better description I'd be grateful as it's a bit of a cliche) knowing that your feelings and thoughts on your experience are absolutely valid and justified is huge. Start to trust yourself.

A great help for me has been Mindful Selfcompassion. There's a wonderful website, youtube vids and a great workbook which I bought. Solid gold!

Hang on in there, we've got your back

[ArmadilloKate]

OMG y'all!!!!! I am feeling anger! I am so happy! Lol! 

It's a safe anger against someone who is already dead,  but it is a start! I'm working on writing a letter to him to like really get in there and feel it because I still tend to make jokes laugh  and give it a positive twist. And I really need to find a way to sit in there and feel that anger. It's really good practice for me.

I'll post a letter somewhere when I am done with it but short story: I never knew my dad, my sis was 4.5 when he left. He ended up having a deadly untreatable kidney disease. One that it turns out is highly inheritable. If a parent has it, the children have a 50% chance of having it too. He would have known this and he never tried to find us and tell us. He tried to kill my mom when she was pregnant with me, he was an abusive addict. I can forgive him for these things. I just can't forgive him for this one. It is so immoral. He planned his death (suicide). He could have taken care of his * before dying and found a way to track us down and warn us and he didn't. Instead he stuck to the story that he had no offspring. Luckily I found out and have a test scheduled to find out if I have it. The thing that got me was that if I have it, my kids have a 50/50 chance of having it. And you know, don't mess with my kids. So I am ANGRY. So many things people have done wrong to me and I excuse it and understand their life difficulties and why they are the way they are but not this time. No. That's wrong. It is immoral and unethical.

So yay! Anger! I have it!