People are interchangeable

[lightworld]

Nearly a year NC with F, DH phones him occasionally because I have PoA for his finances.  F has long ago stopped asking about me but he's now started hoovering DH in the same way he hoovered me, being nice and asking him when he'll be able to visit now that lockdown is easing, even though DH hasn't visited him for years.

I'm getting the impression that I am being replaced in F's life by DH because I no longer serve his needs. I keep thinking  that I'll never be surprised by what F does but I constantly am. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Sounds like you're right about your F. I'm sorry lightworld, that sounds hard to deal with. 

[ArmadilloKate]

It's sad isn't it? And yet proof of the selfishness too. I'm worried about the exact same thing happening as I try to let my DH be a buffer for me.

You're only interchangeable for this disordered person in your life. And it's his loss. 

[practical]

You are malfunctioning now that you don't give him supply, do everything he wants. So like a toaster that no longer spits out the bread gets replaced so is your F trying to replace you. Really sorry!

I got replaced and while it baffled and hurt me in the beginning, at some point I was just relieved. It meant it didn't have to be me taking care of F's whims, demands etc.. The realisation that I was replaceable lowered my feelings of FOG and made it possible for me to step back even further. I was replaced by somebody outside the family circle, that made it easier than your situation where your F is trying to rope in DH.

I keep thinking  that I'll never be surprised by what F does but I constantly am. 

I have learned the hard way, there always is a way to surprise me with PDstuff and it usually is worse than the last thing. 

[lightworld]

Thanks everyone. I do believe you are right Practical I have become a useless tool to be discarded and yes there is liberation in that once I get my head around it. I still find it so hard to imagine a person who only sees other people, even their own children, as objects to be used, yet there has been ample proof of that over the years looking at F's actions. I'm finding NC so helpful, the distance and absence of anxiety means I can see much more clearly what has been going on. It's tragic that it's taken so long.

Strangely F did tell DH to tell me that I must contact him because he's going to die soon. That may have been the final hoover now he's moved on to fresh supply. Also he has B and SIL who have moved to live closer to him  and they still cater to his every whim. I wish them all well but for my own safety I cannot be part of it anymore.

[nanotech]

I've experienced this too.
UNPDsister completely  discarded me, following my boundary making, and replaced me with younger enabler sister.
No interest at all had she in developing a healthy relationship with me- no siree just on to the next narc 'host'.
I'm still amazed that there was no attempt at some self insight, - but they just do not want to look at themselves and their behaviour.
So this is when I realised that the times when we did share jokes and funny chats, the times she seemed to take my side when I was scapegoated by my parents, weren't really anything of substance. They really were just that she enjoyed the whole family dance of dysfunction, revelling in the drama.  Kindnesses were there but they were just centimetres deep. The responses they created in me and which I gave to her, were of use to her as supply. Being kind and nice and apparently supportive m; those  intermittent positive rewards, kept me in her line of sight.
Sad, and quite devastating.
But- better to know it. 
Hoovering your DH, in my view, is meant to undermine and unsettle you. But you have a choice on that heart response.
My sister does this with my children. So that's another aspect we have to deal with.

[lightworld]

Nanotech from what you said it has made me wonder about B. He has refused to take on PoA for F because he says he can't manage money, but all his contact with me is transactional. Perhaps if I didn't have PoA he would no longer need to contact me. It's the first time I've considered this.

[Dandelion]

"Interchangeable" is quite a good way of looking at it.

I think I have been replaced by a neighbouring family who I hear bring my mum meals regularly.  In return she plays the gushing waif, though at 82 she is still perfectly capable physically of getting her own shopping and meals.

It's upsetting and puzzling to see this play out (even before i went NC).  But it makes sense if it's mostly about what you can "do" for them and how you toe the line in your role with them.  I think my mother might have been setting me up as a carer for her in old age, though I think this was very covert. 

Like Nanotech and her sister, with me and my mother there were times when we did share jokes and good chats, so to realise it has always been only "skin deep" is unsettling and yes a bit sad.  Though, looking back, my mum has always been a fair weather friend/relative, what I would call the ignoring narcissist mother. Part of the "selfishness" as Armadillo says.

Though, I must also say it can work both ways: I feel no desire to return to my designated role of helpful, compliant, sometime-verbally-abused daughter either and, like Practical, am also enjoying just getting on with my own stuff