Sibling FOG Whiplash.

[Cat of the Canals]

My brother lives very close to my parents and has a lot interaction with them. And I've noticed he has this habit of venting to me about their behavior, and the *second* I express any emotion resembling anger or suggest that he has a right to be angry, he does an about-face and starts making excuses.

On one occasion, he was absolutely furious with my mother about crossing a rather sensitive boundary, and when I asked if he'd said anything to her about it, he flip-flopped and said, "Well, mom has a right to have feelings, too." Right. And when she behaves poorly because she's acting out those feelings, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES.

Today he went on a tirade about my dad not respecting certain parenting decisions he and his wife have made, i.e. feeding my nephew so much of a particular food that it makes him sick later, even though they've repeatedly asked him to not do this. I made some comment about how furious that would make me, and my brother instantly started downplaying it like it's not that big of a deal, and he was only telling me a humorous anecdote.

I know I should just let him vent. Nod and say, "Yikes." and "Wow." But I hate using Medium Chill on my brother. And I'm resentful as hell that my relationship with my brother has to suffer because of my parents.

I spent my whole childhood shielding him the best I could from the dysfunction. Maybe that was a mistake. In a way, I was letting him continue to believe in the fantasy version of our family I knew wasn't true.

[Lisa]

I have a sibling who responds in a similar way.  The will reach out to me about Mom crossing boundaries, throwing tantrums etc, when I try to validate their feelings they quickly start making jokes and changing the topic.  Sometimes I wonder if hearing validation from someone makes them feel guilty??? 

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I had a sibling who loved to complain about mom and dad but they second I did it they shut me right down.

[Andeza]

My Golden Child warning radar is going off. It would certainly fit the pattern of behavior...

[Janeite V]

I have experienced very much the same dynamic in my own family. Since I went grey rock, the uNPD has targeted other family members in my stead, who tend to come to me for support, but then flip into a flying-monkey type state when I simply validate how bad it must be for them.

It's absolutely horrible because not only do you feel terrible about your brother being abused, but you relive your own abuse as well with each conversation. And these circular conversations really do take a toll on your relationship as you said.

You've spent your childhood trying to protect your brother from the worst of it. It's very important to remember that you are not responsible for this abuse. You didn't cause it, can't cure it or control it. He is an adult now and presumably has the ability to implement distancing measures just like you did.

Even though it hurts, it sounds like you are doing the right thing implementing medium chill, at least on this subject.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thank you for the support. As usual I'm half relieved to not be alone in feeling this way and disappointed so many of us do.

My Golden Child warning radar is going off. It would certainly fit the pattern of behavior...

I think unPD mom wanted me to be GC, but I've always refused it. I think that brings about an instinct for my brother to jump up and say, "ME! ME! PICK ME!" Even now.

He chose a career she'd be proud of. A wife she adores. Taught himself to play the instrument she forced me to take fourteen years of lessons for. Moved back home. Let her buy them a house. Gave her two grandchildren. All the ways I've gone out of my way to avoid enmeshment, he's walked straight into.

So yeah... I don't usually think of my mom as playing the GC/SG game, but I guess she's just more subtle about it.

[sambellscoup]

It's hard watching siblings kid themselves that it's all fine and dandy, when they're actually hurting deeply from the behaviours they're letting into their lives. But eventually you may have to put boundaries between yourself and that particular type of dysfunction too, sadly.

[Cat of the Canals]

But eventually you may have to put boundaries between yourself and that particular type of dysfunction too, sadly.

This is true. I've even been in this exact position before and decided that was the healthiest thing for me. For the last two years, I've made an effort to avoiding discussing my feelings about my mother's dysfunction anymore, because my brother clearly wasn't in a place to hear it, and it only hurt me to hear him defend her or play flying monkey games.

Then a few months ago, he told me about this article he'd read about family estrangement... I thought he was going to suggest that's what I'd done by moving away. Instead, he said, "I've been thinking about sending it to mom, so she'd know what the stakes are." I almost fell over. That was the closest he's ever come to admitting that she has serious problems. And then a few weeks after that, he said he was thinking of suggesting they go to family therapy and asked what I thought about that. I told him I thought she'd react very poorly to the mere *suggestion* that she needed therapy, and that I couldn't imagine a scenario in which she'd actually agree to go.

Anyway, I think that's why I started getting looser with my boundaries on this. He poked his head out enough times that I thought it was safe to discuss. But I know myself how easy it is to get lost in the fog again, and that's clearly what's happened here. I also need to remind myself that when he talks about showing her an article about family estrangement/NC, he's hoping that will "snap her out of it." The same thing with therapy. I don't think the therapy idea was genuine. I think he's trying to find a way to control her with threats and ultimatums. I'm not sure he understands boundaries at all, or the idea that you can not change someone else's behavior, only your own.

[Pepin]

I used to be in this situation.  My GC brother actually kind of stuck up for NF for quite some time -- and he did this because he was being compensated.  My other sibling avoided confrontation and also accepted handouts but wasn't quite in the GC position.

All of this changed though when I emancipated myself from being the SG.  This happened when I moved, married and started a family.  NF couldn't touch me.  Since I was no longer his main supply to abuse, he turned the tables on GC brother.  That is when things blew up and the dysfunction about NF was clear and out in the open.  We all went NC with him immediately.

Sadly, I wish the story ended there and I could skip off into the sunset....Nope.  I am married to a GC.  Who is compensated.  And who is waiting and behaving (servant/handyman/accountant) himself to get his inheritance.  And he has had problems understanding how damaging his relationship with his mother is to both himself and in particular, me.  It has been a demoralizing roller coaster. 

The point is, only GC's can come to the conclusion on their own about parental abuse.  No doubt that DH, like my fallen GC brother, is going to act out when PDmil passes.  The GC cannot stand losing the attention they were given for so long.  It totally messes them up.  And they are going to take it out on someone.  Boundaries are the only way.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thank you for sharing your experience, Pepin. I have wondered (and worried) how my brother will take the death of my mother in particular, considering all the unprocessed feelings. He's already made comments suggesting that he's willing to further enmesh himself with my parents as they get older, which just makes me cringe. And I suspect that he will see my moving away as a shirking of duties and possibly hold it against me in the long run.

If he continues the family cycle, he will completely deify my mother after her death the same way my mother and her sister did after my grandmother died. I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that there's not much I can do other than hope he someday recognizes the truth.

[samtosha]

Oh, yes, this is sooooo familiar! My GC brother complains/vents about our uPDM but shuts me down if I do - or disagrees in a kind of " 'splain-y" way that my feelings and perceptions aren't the truth, but I need to look at it from another perspective, namely his. His complaints about her are different from mine so he often invalidates my interpretations of things.

His perspective is colored by the fact that he was horribly abused - emotionally, verbally -  by our uNF - whereas Dad kind of ignored me, I was beneath his notice, I guess - so his hatred of our parents is mostly aimed there and he sees uPDM as having been abused by F as well - which is true. uNF was an equal-opportunity asshole. However, uPDM  took me on as her project and emotionally/verbally abused me continually - and others, including her younger sister - in ways that I don't think GCB must have picked up on when we were young - and that he refuses to acknowledge now even when it's happening in front of him!

I don't think there's much to be done. I've been working on not giving in to the urge to share my feelings with GCB, not caring what he thinks, not seeking validation there at all - which is hard! He's the only other witness to the dysfunction since my dear beloved aunt died a few years ago. But he's very caught up in his own experience of pain and abuse and probably clinging to uPDM as his one "decent" parent so he pushes away a lot of what I share with him. It's true that she wasn't horrible to him the way she was to me - but she's not a good parent to anybody, let's be honest. And I don't get to have any decent parents! On the other hand, I wouldn't choose to accept uPDM's behavior the way he does, or feel sorry for her like he does. I'd rather skip the enmeshment altogether.

[ArmadilloKate]

I'm sorry Cat. It must be so flipping frustrating to be pulled back into the drama and then have your sibling just completely invalidate everything you say when you try to validate him.

I think I may have done the same to my sister for awhile, until I had a couple years of therapy under my belt. I'm really glad my sis stuck with me and now we are consistently on the same page and supporting each other.

I don't know what's happening with your brother, but I am also the one close by our aging mom. For me, experiencing or expressing anger toward her behaviors was very very scary because I knew if I really let myself feel how shitty she was and is that I might not be able to stay and take care her, that I would then blame myself for any harm that befell her, and not really be able to forgive myself since "she's mentally ill and can't change." I mean the thought of even recognizing or expressing hurt and anger was so so threatening that I would just completely shut down any attempt by my sister or therapist to lay responsibility where it belonged to the extent of dissociating.

I don't know what is true with your brother or what is best for you to protect yourself from the harm of talking with him. I just know that how we siblings experience and react to our PD parents can be so so different, but weirdly the same once you pull away all the layers of defense that are there.

And admittedly I am still deep deep in the cycle of FOG myself.  Keep holding up those boundaries...you're modeling those for your brother to one day copy if he chooses.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thanks, ArmadilloKate. I think I understand where his defensiveness comes from, because I have only recently started acknowledging my own anger. Not only was I worried about the guilt that might come with it, but there was an unspoken rule in our family that uPD mom was the only one allowed to be angry. Which I suppose is why he's so quick to say she has a right to have feelings.... Ironically, I don't think he'd ever think to say that about himself or me or my dad. It's only HER needs that must be defended.

She was also a terrible model for anger. I didn't want to be like her! It's taken a long time to realize that anger is a natural emotion, and there are healthy ways to respond to it.

[ArmadilloKate]

Thanks for sharing your journey with developing anger. That gives me hope for myself. I can only feel it so far toward her dog when I have to take care of it (don't hate me! I love animals!!! There's a very valid reason why I feel that way.  )