New here

[Movingforward21]

Hi, I have been lurking on this site for around 18 months and finally feel ready to post. I went no contact with my undiagnosed npd fiancé at the end of January. This is around the 8th time that we have separated and I am then suckered back into a life of misery. I still can't understand why I went back, during periods of separation it felt like I thought about him every minute and felt relief when we reconciled only to feel misery very quickly after, I actually felt like I hated him but couldn't live without him. Does this make sense to anyone? Even now I continue to think about him most days even though I know he's nothing but a toxic, insecure, liar,  he's not even just abusive to me but his own family, work colleagues, my friends have all seen his nasty side.  However there is still part of me that wants him to contact me and he has continued to do so but thankfully this time I am not playing his games and he seems unsure how to proceed.  I suppose I'm just wondering when I will stop thinking about him. I am so much happier, my mental health is better and I see the difference in my kids now my emotions are being played with every day. I just feel so lonely some times and I can't understand how a human could treat another this way, I done everything to try and make him happy to the detriment of my own mental health and I'm ashamed of what I have endured.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are not the only one who has fallen for a person that is not good for you. I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. Read around on the boards and study the toolbox! It has been so helpful for me.  See you around on the boards.

[ArmadilloKate]

Hugs to you...that sounds so draining and painful. I find a lot of times it's easier for me to protect myself from the PD person in my life when I think about the impact on my kids from how much it harms me. Who cares about me right? But don't f*&% with my kids. Wishing you strength through this!