Lightbulb after lightbulb moments!

[OWIU (Only Way Is Up)]

Hello everyone. "Who knew?".... all of you lot, clearly! Two years ago I went NC with my uPDM. Although I didn't actually know it was called 'NC' and I hadn't worked out she was uPD at that time. All I knew was that I couldn't take any more and, in my mid-40s, I needed to prioritise my own mental and physical well-being and put my FOC first. Self-preservation was kicking in at last. Most of my life I'd been walking on eggshells and feeling like everything was a 'test' that was impossible to pass.... while my uPDM was just "her being her" (all FOO enable her). I've been fascinated to read through the Toolbox traits, and Forum posts. There has been the realisation that everything I'd been trying to do was exactly 'wrong' - this has helped me to forgive myself for not solving the situation!! So many things are making me go "OMG" as I've been reading through this amazing website.... Baiting, Triangulation, GC/SG, DARVO, Perfectionism, Denial, False accusations, Splitting, Thought policing, Gaslighting, Passive-aggression, actual aggression etc. etc. etc. And recently I've had my first experience of a flying monkey - my xH, who my uPDM did nothing but criticise when I was married to him! Anyway, I'll stop now as I was only going to do a quick "hello". Once you start validating your experiences it definitely makes you want to seek the experiences – and wisdom - of others and share and support, doesn't it?! Thanks all of you.

[lightworld]

Hello and welcome OWIU so glad you are having these lightbulb moments. It's good to be validated in your own instincts and feelings, but also rather sad that we have to go through this. I've found this forum invaluable and I've come a long way since I first posted on the Welcome Mat.

You have already got to the stage of realising you need to protect yourself and FOC which is great, it took me years to get to that stage. I firmly believe that going NC with F has allowed me to see the abuse much more clearly.

I wish you well and hope to see you on the boards.

[Spring Butterfly]

Adding a warm welcome and I can so relate especially to this part of your post

my mid-40s, I needed to prioritise my own mental and physical well-being and put my FOC first. Self-preservation was kicking in at last. Most of my life I'd been walking on eggshells and feeling like everything was a 'test' that was impossible to pass

This community has been so helpful and so many ways. You mention the traits and that do and out section was a lifesaver for me. The toolbox section about what to do was also amazing. Wishing you peace in your journey ahead

[treesgrowslowly]

Welcome OWIU.

So glad to hear that you found us here! So sorry to hear your story...uNPD mothers...many of us here have been through the FOG of it. You're in good company here. PD parenting is tough stuff to recover from but clarity feels good- as you are experiencing! Once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Trees