How to get rid of anger?

[BefuddledClarity]

Just have SO much anger built up over the years and bottled for so long that it starts to spill over in my real life.

Before, I used to be angry at NPD parents and flying monkey brothers. Then it went to bring angry about toxic workplace and being treated as a doormat. After that anger with in-laws for how they are rude towards me and controlling. And lastly my partner who has extreme highs and extreme lows.


I used to keep all my feelings bottled up to myself and made myself miserable but now I feel a bit explosive.

I don't go off on people randomly, but I have gone off on my partner and my own family.

Here's some background:
Nervous about making new friends

Giving up on having a relationship with family

[Seeking Advice] New job is stressful

Losing Sanity with Over controlling in-laws

When did your relationship reach the point of no return?

How do you manage your anger?

What do you do to destress?

What does your self care routine look like?

What are some things that make you happy?

[notrightinthehead]

If I have learned anything in all these years trying to heal, one does not get rid of anger, or any feelings for that matter,  one has to get through. I call it suffering through for myself and I have had hours and hours of nightly rage keeping me awake. However, it is important to not act out the feeling. Feel it. but do not act on it.  If I can, I will physically work out unpleasant feelings like anger or fear by going for a brisk walk, that tends to clear my mind. Mindfulness has helped me a lot as well to let feelings pass through me and look at them in an interested, yet detached way. And there is journaling. Or writing letters that I burn. Once my mind is cleared, I find that I can behave in a much more productive, problem solving mode.

[blacksheep7]

NRITH answered you with great tips that I also practiced.

I had RAGE in me.  Of course it gets very intense when we come Out of the FOG realizing that we were not at fault.

It does subside after a certain time, like you it was bottled up for far tooooooooo long 

In my case after four decades.  NC 4 yrs with FOO.   


I read one of your posts where your mother told you that you loved your friends more than her......reminded me that mine had said «you never tell me much, only to your friends»  similar.  They crave enmeshment for their own well- being.  You open up too much, it will be used against you later.

[Cat of the Canals]

I was so afraid of my anger that I didn't even know I had it until recently. Even before we realized the PDs in our respective families, my husband used to comment on how much I'd avoid admitting being angry, and often in cases where anger was absolutely warranted. So yeah, I'm a fellow bottler. 

Journaling has helped a lot. I've said before that the times it helps most are when the thoughts are just swirling around my head. All of that rage and frustration and sadness spinning around and around. Writing it down makes it concrete, somehow. And organized in a way where I can look it over and say, "Well, of course I'm angry! It makes sense to be angry given this scenario!" or sometimes, "You know, I think I'm actually upset about XYZ, but all of those feelings were coming out as anger about ABC."

Understanding where the feelings are coming from takes some of the unbridled rage out of the situation. And figuring out if there's a boundary issue at the core often gives me something actionable to do.

Like notrightinthehead, getting to a place where I can process the anger enough to get into a problem-solving mindset has been really helpful for me.

[BefuddledClarity]

If I have learned anything in all these years trying to heal, one does not get rid of anger, or any feelings for that matter,  one has to get through. I call it suffering through for myself and I have had hours and hours of nightly rage keeping me awake. However, it is important to not act out the feeling. Feel it. but do not act on it.  If I can, I will physically work out unpleasant feelings like anger or fear by going for a brisk walk, that tends to clear my mind. Mindfulness has helped me a lot as well to let feelings pass through me and look at them in an interested, yet detached way. And there is journaling. Or writing letters that I burn. Once my mind is cleared, I find that I can behave in a much more productive, problem solving mode.

Ah, I can't believe I stopped journalling...I think that's partly why I feel the way I do---I used to write all the time to calm myself down... Today, I made a video journal while home alone to express my feelings and felt better.

Thinking of getting back into working out---to beat the stress out of me. It used to be nice adrenaline rush.

I appreciate your perspective!

NRITH answered you with great tips that I also practiced.

I had RAGE in me.  Of course it gets very intense when we come Out of the FOG realizing that we were not at fault.

It does subside after a certain time, like you it was bottled up for far tooooooooo long 

In my case after four decades.  NC 4 yrs with FOO.   


I read one of your posts where your mother told you that you loved your friends more than her......reminded me that mine had said «you never tell me much, only to your friends»  similar.  They crave enmeshment for their own well- being.  You open up too much, it will be used against you later.

Yes, I had hard time opening up to people later in life after that. My partner used to be upset with me that I hardly shared how I felt. I used to bottle up my feelings and be overly considerate of other people. He told me to stop doing that with him and be honest with how I feel...In a way, he got me to open up more in a healthier way. I can relate to being angry with family for years. Now? I just feel indifferent...What they do irritates me but I don't feel like my parents have much control over my life anymore---theyve been replaced by over controlling in-laws who I prefer not to see so often. I feel physically exhausted being around them so much, even my partner gets tired but he feels obligated...

I was so afraid of my anger that I didn't even know I had it until recently. Even before we realized the PDs in our respective families, my husband used to comment on how much I'd avoid admitting being angry, and often in cases where anger was absolutely warranted. So yeah, I'm a fellow bottler. 

Journaling has helped a lot. I've said before that the times it helps most are when the thoughts are just swirling around my head. All of that rage and frustration and sadness spinning around and around. Writing it down makes it concrete, somehow. And organized in a way where I can look it over and say, "Well, of course I'm angry! It makes sense to be angry given this scenario!" or sometimes, "You know, I think I'm actually upset about XYZ, but all of those feelings were coming out as anger about ABC."

Understanding where the feelings are coming from takes some of the unbridled rage out of the situation. And figuring out if there's a boundary issue at the core often gives me something actionable to do.

Like notrightinthehead, getting to a place where I can process the anger enough to get into a problem-solving mindset has been really helpful for me.

Same, same. My partner called me out for bottling my feelings, but I spill them out a bit too much now haha. I need to get back into journalling to contain these feelings. I used to be into different philosophies like stocism, humanism, secular buddhism...and tried to stay positive or ignore any extreme bad feelings.


Anyways, I ramble a lot haha. I feel a bit better now and I thank all of you for your wisdom and perspectives. I will try journaling more often and see if working out helps.


I do feel a bit anxious at the moment over something trivial, I may make separate post because it's a bit unrelated to anger.

[Boat Babe]

Yes to all of the above. In addition, I would say that anger can be a good thing too. It is very energizing (which is why you can't sleep) and needs to be channeled imo.
Use your anger to kickstart your exercise routine. Great self care. I used to do kung fu and it was brilliant. I would visualise kicking the **** out of horribly abusive exPD bf.  Obvs wouldn't do it but by god it felt good and it drained me of all the anger in my body. I would sleep very well after a session! The other way to channel your anger is into good works. I have done domestic violence charity work on and off for decades. It has really helped me and I have been of service to others. So win win!

I hope you can transform your anger and use it to do something good for you.

[blunk]

I agree with the replies here. Journaling and working out definitely helped me to vent a lot of my anger. During my marriage to bpdxh it had gotten to the point where I had become so angry that I would yell right back at him. The problem was, it would actually feel good in the moment to open that vent valve...but I would feel horrible afterwards. I remember telling xh that every time I acted that way, I felt like I lost a little piece of myself. He told me I was being dramatic.

On that note, I have one other method that is maybe a bit odd, but it helped. After we separated, but still had enough contact that he would get me riled up. When I was home alone, I would put the dogs out in the yard, close myself up in the basement...and belt out the biggest, loudest, longest primal scream that I could muster. It was such an unbelievable release, sometimes I would finish and just collapse or cry. If you don't have an isolated place in your home, the car works too!

[Boat Babe]

I have a kinda funny scream story.

So I am in recovery from highly toxic, mindf**king narc bf and have gone to stay with a friend who lives on the coast. I decide to walk down to the beach late that night and scream at the sea. I am looking forward to this all day. It will be cathartic. For context, the town goes right down to the narrow shingle beach. I got there about midnight and the normally rough sea was as flat as a millpond, not a breath of wind and you could hear all the way to France! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry !!!

[BefuddledClarity]

Yes to all of the above. In addition, I would say that anger can be a good thing too. It is very energizing (which is why you can't sleep) and needs to be channeled imo.
Use your anger to kickstart your exercise routine. Great self care. I used to do kung fu and it was brilliant. I would visualise kicking the **** out of horribly abusive exPD bf.  Obvs wouldn't do it but by god it felt good and it drained me of all the anger in my body. I would sleep very well after a session! The other way to channel your anger is into good works. I have done domestic violence charity work on and off for decades. It has really helped me and I have been of service to others. So win win!

I hope you can transform your anger and use it to do something good for you.

I've been wanting to go back into martial arts and weightlifting to get rid of this anger. I can relate to the BF bit ...I'm still with my partner, and while he is "nice", right now, sometimes when I look at him, I see the past on how he acted towards me and the anger starts to surge. I think going back into exercising my help me with the anger.

I agree with the replies here. Journaling and working out definitely helped me to vent a lot of my anger. During my marriage to bpdxh it had gotten to the point where I had become so angry that I would yell right back at him. The problem was, it would actually feel good in the moment to open that vent valve...but I would feel horrible afterwards. I remember telling xh that every time I acted that way, I felt like I lost a little piece of myself. He told me I was being dramatic.

On that note, I have one other method that is maybe a bit odd, but it helped. After we separated, but still had enough contact that he would get me riled up. When I was home alone, I would put the dogs out in the yard, close myself up in the basement...and belt out the biggest, loudest, longest primal scream that I could muster. It was such an unbelievable release, sometimes I would finish and just collapse or cry. If you don't have an isolated place in your home, the car works too!

Oh man, I am the SAME way! I used to not be this angry of a person until I got in relationship with current partner. I used to not yell back at him until he kept screaming vulgarities at me. I don't want to stop to his level.

Tbh, I typically end up cranking up my own music on the car while driving and singing to my heart's content haha. It's the few moments of sanity I have and free time to myself.

I just man...I have a hard time letting go of anger like this. I'm tired of being treated like a doormat. Part of me just wants to push partner away already, but he doesn't want to leave and wants to work it out. Idk if I want to though...I don't know if I can forgive him for the things he said or has done. I try, but little things he does reminds me of the past and makes me angry again or uncomfortable.

[SaltwareS]

My anger seemed to be an endlessly renewable resource. It wasn't fading. Journaling didn't really help or I was too angry to journal.

It finally occurred to me that anger reinforced my bond with the NPD I was angry at. Or anger reinforced my bond to my memory of something the NPD did that affected my life.

So I try now to dissolve the bond when I find myself getting angry at a past event. I envision the old fashioned tv screen when it had poor reception, the "snow" screen, as a weak bond material.

[1footouttadefog]

When I was at my angriest, I started walking up a very steep winding road in a small mountain. I burned off lots of stress and lost lots of weight and listened to some great books on tape while doing that.

I also started some new activities and a new hobby and basically reclaimed aspects of my life. 

I adjusted my expectations with the pds in my life and took pack the permission to hurt me.  I was no longer available to be hurt.  I made boundaries or  had less contact or changed the type of sharing, or whatever until they were at healthy levels

I need to get angry again, I have gained back some of that weight.