Snarky workmate at it again

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JollyJazz

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Snarky workmate at it again
« on: April 19, 2021, 09:31:53 PM »
Hi All,

Urrgh, just had another weird encounter with a not very nice colleague. I had been able to avoid her for a while but lately she's started up with being snippy again.

She's very covert, I have been keeping a journal of everything.

I had another weird encounter today where my boss asked her to help me with a project.

I could see how that would work - she already started getting me to do the work she said (to our boss) she would do. And she called me to meet in person and started asking me over and over if I needed help. I basically knew I'd be doing all the work anyway with this snarky person sniping at me. It's hard to explain, like she'll ask something and then smirk at me. I'm upset with myself because today I lost my cool and asked if she was okay, because she was acting a bit strange. I wish I hadn't said that.

Anyway, now she'll go and tell my boss that I'm not a team player etc. I just feel like she's doing what she can to trap me into reacting badly. I'm generally a very even tempered person and get on well with almost everyone. I just can't even describe it, just being around her makes my skin crawl and she's always getting in little jibes.

Anyway, any thoughts on what to do are welcome.

P.S. here's some background, she is kind of an 'information hound' always digging for information from me. I generally avoid it, but it's hard when you are on the same team:
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https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86760.0

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2021, 03:58:15 AM »
You seem to think that she can go to your boss and tell her that you are not a team player.
What makes you think that you cannot go to your boss and tell her that she is not a team player?
What would happen if you told your boss that in your experience you two are not such a good fit and you feel that you have to do most of the work?
Can you prove that you did the work that she was supposed to do or claimed to have done? How can you make your boss aware of that?
What other options are available to you?
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2021, 04:56:36 AM »
Lol, you're right Notrightinthehead,
Also if she said that to my boss there's no way he'd believe her. I have a great boss and he's always very kind to me.

I guess I just don't want to get into a dispute, because the reality is it can just escalate things. She's also very covert. I am keeping a journal of everything that happens. I'm also going to avoid 'in person's encounters where she can get her claws in more easily and I don't have a paper trail.

I do have an email trail of what started happening today.

I was just feeling tired today, I slept badly last night. It really got to me today.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2021, 04:57:56 AM »
P. S. Thanks for your reply Notrightinthehead, I'm just feeling a bit more fragile than usual due to a lack of sleep!

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Thru the Rain

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2021, 05:10:57 AM »
I just feel like she's doing what she can to trap me into reacting badly. I'm generally a very even tempered person and get on well with almost everyone. I just can't even describe it, just being around her makes my skin crawl and she's always getting in little jibes.

This jumped right out at me. It sounds like the classic two siblings in the backseat. Sibling One is doing everything they can to annoy Sibling Two. When Sibling Two has been pushed far enough they hit Sibling One. Sibling Two's behavior is the only behavior noticed by Mom and Dad so Sibling Two is the one in trouble.

Absolutely maddening when you're dealing with someone who is supposed to be another adult.

I discovered the Karpman Drama Triangle a few years ago and when I apply it to situations with pointless stupid drama, I'm almost always able to see the pattern. In this case your co-worker is acting as a covert "Persecutor" and as soon as you react (participate in her drama) she'll flip to being the very loud, public "Victim" leaving you holding the bag as the "Persecutor".

I definitely recommend reading up on it. Unfortunately I don't have a specific link, but if you google Karpman Drama Triangle or even Drama Triangle in the Workplace, you'll find some resources that start to describe what you're dealing with.

The solution to exiting the Drama Triangle is always the same, which is to observe without participating.

Ever since I found the Drama Triangle concept it doesn't take much to just step out of the manufactured drama. Literally just seeing through to the mechanism in play has been enough to defuse about 80% of work-related conflicts. (It helps a little less with family drama, but for co-workers who I don't actually care about, it's golden.)

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JollyJazz

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2021, 07:56:36 AM »
Hi Thru the Rain,

Oh yes I know the Karpman Drama Triangle. I think it's a great concept.

To be honest today was a bit of an exception because I had a horrible nights sleep.

I'm usually a good 'grey rock' with her and engage with her as little as possible. I watched this clip and it cheered me up as I do actually do quite a lot of these things:

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https://youtu.be/b0dR4acY09M

And I like how she says, "I can assure you they are not winning at relationships". It's true, they tear people down for a short term hit but long term people see what they are up to. This clip really nailed it for me, the picking fights for zero reason, the snarky tone.

I agree, grey rocking and detachment is the way to go. And the thing is, I have a great boss and other good relationships with most of the people I work with.

I think I was feeling a bit frazzled today, and so it got to me a bit more than usual.

Anyway, thanks so much for your support! Much appreciated!

Fortunately I do have plenty of ways to minimize contact with this person.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2021, 08:02:54 AM by JollyJazz »

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Andeza

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2021, 06:34:45 PM »
My boss respected me and the work I did, because I was good at what I did and had the least billing errors of the division (errors were common in our line of work because we relied on second-hand information for billing details). I told her I liked all my coworkers, with the exception of one that I never wanted to be posted alongside. I told her that the both of us would not be happy in a small space together for hours on end and it was best to avoid it for all parties involved. That was the end of it. I never had to work directly with that coworker. The boss would even shuffle others from our division to that location so I didn't have to go. Win win.
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BefuddledClarity

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2021, 09:19:29 PM »
Is she...a spy?  :blink:

Maybe I'm looking into it too much, but I just had training at work done today about suspicious coworkers looking over at monitor screens, asking too many questions to the "go to" person get insider info, and generally being suspicious while stealing info from company in different ways...


Anyways, ignoring my paranoias...

I could see how that would work - she already started getting me to do the work she said (to our boss) she would do. And she called me to meet in person and started asking me over and over if I needed help. I basically knew I'd be doing all the work anyway with this snarky person sniping at me. It's hard to explain, like she'll ask something and then smirk at me. I'm upset with myself because today I lost my cool and asked if she was okay, because she was acting a bit strange. I wish I hadn't said that.


There's nothing wrong with what you said at all. I probably would've said something a bit more scathing or blunt back to her. I lose patience with dealing with coworkers like that and call them out.

Lol, you're right Notrightinthehead,
Also if she said that to my boss there's no way he'd believe her. I have a great boss and he's always very kind to me.

I guess I just don't want to get into a dispute, because the reality is it can just escalate things. She's also very covert. I am keeping a journal of everything that happens. I'm also going to avoid 'in person's encounters where she can get her claws in more easily and I don't have a paper trail.

I do have an email trail of what started happening today.



Sounds like you have a good boss! :) If you feel like the issue is getting out of hand and you can't work, I recommend contacting your boss and letting him know what's going on. Your boss would be able to help you deal with snippy coworker.

I was just feeling tired today, I slept badly last night. It really got to me today.

Dang, sorry to hear about that...When you're off work, please get yourself some rest and treat yourself! Self-care never hurts! ;D It'll help calm nerves and you won't have to feel irritable about rude coworker.

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Thru the Rain

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2021, 01:48:59 AM »
I loved the clip you shared! And I'm happy you're feeling better today.

I do think that the people in our lives with PD have a sixth sense of when we're feeling frazzled or even just a little tired, and that's when they ramp up their game. OR it could be we're just more vulnerable to their overall behavior at those times.

Either way, I so happy you're in a better emotional place today.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Snarky workmate at it again
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2021, 07:40:20 AM »
Hi All,

Oh my, what a difference a good night's sleep makes! I woke up feeling absolutely fine about things. Actually, truth be told, a cheeky part of me feels pretty good about saying the snarky workmate was 'acting strangely' lol, hehe  :D

Thanks for your support, Andeza, Befuddledclarity, and Thrutherain!

I'm keeping my little log book, and yes if things go any further I'm very close to telling him, and I might still. She's very covert so one incident can easily sound too small, and it's hard when it's subtle things like a smirk. But having a record is good.

Also - I'm well liked at work and I get wonderful feedback from my boss and a bunch of other coworkers and higher ups. Most people I work with are just fantastic people. I fortunately don't often have to work directly with this individual.  To be honest today I felt like I really just didn't care about this person at all.   :meh:

And lol - no I don't think she's a spy. Lol. I think even spies need to be more adept at working in a collegial environment. Just an odd individual who I suspect is a covert narcissist. She's made some pity play comments about how everyone likes me etc. and how a team we were both in didn't say goodbye to her (but they did to me). It sounds like it was an admin error (or it could have been due to her picking on other people).

I'm glad you liked the clip! I really like how the presenter has a very slightly mischievous streak. And her tips are spot on! I'm sticking to the not reacting. Boring. Grey rock. Oh, okay. Oh, my weekend was just quiet. Oh okay. Bye. Wander off... Lol.

The phrase from that clip nailed it for me and kind of was in the back of my mind:
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"I can assure you, they are not winning at relationships"


It's a bit sad that narcs feel the need to tear others down. The lack of empathy, envy and need to criticise really does hamper them in relationships. Poor old sausages! As we say here!

Anyway, thanks for your kind words all! I'm looking forward to the weekend - I'm definitely going to pamper myself!  :) Hehe.