Smear campaign is ongoing--Lesson learned

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LOLmylife

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Smear campaign is ongoing--Lesson learned
« on: March 29, 2021, 11:47:01 PM »
Im just writing to vent but please feel encouraged to weigh in!

It's been nearly 2 years Ive been NC with my BPsis who lives with my mom. Throughout, there's been pressure from my mom to " reconnect" and apologize/make amends with my abusive sister (even though the last straw for me was being physically attacked by BPsis while she was high out of her mind).
In the wake of family tragedy from the death of another sibling, I was considering going LC with BPsis *if* she reached out (I've tried to pacify my mom's pressuring by reiterating that my door id always open, but BPsis needed to make the first move--something I kinda knew she would never actually do, so it kept me in a good position to keep my boundary while calling the bluff).
Recently a friend reached out to inform me that BPsis was trashing me all over social media and to anyone who would listen. BPsis also befriended dozens of my former friends and acquaintances, and is likely trashing me more directly to them (a few months back, a woman I used to work with reached out to implore me to "make up" with BPsis and, even though I didn't give them much further opportunity to drag me in, it seemed pretty clear that BPsis had completely reversed the roles and was painting ME as the abusive drug addict!).
I am just exhausted with this and the never ending smear campaigns. She has tried to destroy my interpersonal and professional relationships. And it seems that even if people who have "turned against" me and fallen for her crap eventually figure out how full of $hit she is, they never come back around to make amends with me.
I'm literally just here living my life trying to raise my kid and have a healthy marriage, while this person is trying to erode the good name I've built in our small community.
I'm hesitant about trusting people and second guess those who try to befriend me, wondering if they are doing so on her behalf again.

So long story short, I think I'm gonna keep on with NC and I've learned that this person has not changed at all. I will be putting distance between myself and my other relatives more.

My tribe has grown much smaller but at least I know they are a trustworthy bunch who love me & have my back. Maybe we'll move to a new city and start fresh.

All of you who are considering breaking no contact--please be safe and prepared for the disappointment.

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Bloomie

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Re: Smear campaign is ongoing--Lesson learned
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2021, 01:16:34 PM »
LOLmylife - I am glad you shared. And I am very sorry for the tragic loss of a sibling.

A sibling circling around your life and positioning themselves as victim of terrible wrongs at your hand that you are experiencing is something I can relate to.

The attempts to destroy what they know is important to you - career, familial relationships, reputation - the mist of uncertainty or question of our character by people who we otherwise have had nothing but kind, respectful and appropriate interactions with can be disheartening. 

It is disconcerting what someone who may not even have a strong relationship or connection with a divisive, high conflict, person will believe or at least entertain enough for it to bring distrust of us putting us in a position to 'prove' ourselves and rally against what is an invisible kind of foe. Words and narrative.

Powerful for good and powerful for harm.

The only way I have found to move forward in peace and usually not attempt to set records straight or shadow box and get in a defensive posture is to live the best, most honorable life I know how and when I fall short - and I often do - to own it and keep on keeping on. At some point, how we live our lives consistently over time matters more than the ugly distortions of truth that have been leveled against us.

What a good reminder your post is for me today. I would say that for me... knowing that this persistent campaign to destroy is how a sibling we have invested our love and resources in most of our lives are choosing to keep a connection with us is really sad and painful.

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Starboard Song

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Re: Smear campaign is ongoing--Lesson learned
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2021, 02:29:07 PM »
Thank you for sharing that.

I am glad that you have shrunk your circle as necessary to protect yourself, but maintained it a good deal as well. Don't get paranoid: most people are well-meaning, even when they are confused by a dishonest PD.

I appreciate your story.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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AlisonWonder

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Re: Smear campaign is ongoing--Lesson learned
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2021, 06:19:07 PM »
I am sorry for your loss LOLmylife.

Yes unfortunately people don't resume the friendship even after they learn they have been fooled.  I don't really know why this is.  Perhaps they are ashamed of themselves.
One of my relatives would exclaim  "But they are so *credible*!" and then go on following them.  If that's not cognitive dissonance....

Yes you do get suspicious of everyone and your social circle shrinks a lot.  I know it makes me look paranoid, untrusting, strange.  My facebook profile is locked down so hard.  People assume that if you shift states, change your name, get a new phone that it's about physical violence, but social violence is worse in that it's "bigger", invisible and pervasive.  People who are several degrees removed from the original source don't seem to be any less intense in their animosity.

Now my poor DH is trying to get a more interesting life because his children don't contact him.
He doesn't understand how this all works :(

I'm so glad no-one can "get to" my dog.  And this is after 20 years.

child of the 60s, clinically disturbed mother, responsible cptsd father, much-older abusive siblings

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LOLmylife

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Re: Smear campaign is ongoing--Lesson learned
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2021, 08:29:36 PM »
...knowing that this persistent campaign to destroy is how a sibling we have invested our love and resources in most of our lives are choosing to keep a connection with us is really sad and painful.

Thank you for your insights and sharing. That last part really smacked hard--she is sad, and this attempt to supplant the relationships and even the identity I built in the community does seem like a (confusingly strange) way to "stay connected" to me when I refuse to break No Contact. It hurts, and perhaps they feel they need to hurt me for "abandoning" them by obliterating my reputation. Not saying it's any bit justified, but I can sorta see how she would rationalize it all because, well, they rationalize it all...
Thanks again!

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Ilove....

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Re: Smear campaign is ongoing--Lesson learned
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2021, 02:39:05 PM »
LOLmylife - I am glad you shared. And I am very sorry for the tragic loss of a sibling.

A sibling circling around your life and positioning themselves as victim of terrible wrongs at your hand that you are experiencing is something I can relate to.

The attempts to destroy what they know is important to you - career, familial relationships, reputation - the mist of uncertainty or question of our character by people who we otherwise have had nothing but kind, respectful and appropriate interactions with can be disheartening. 

It is disconcerting what someone who may not even have a strong relationship or connection with a divisive, high conflict, person will believe or at least entertain enough for it to bring distrust of us putting us in a position to 'prove' ourselves and rally against what is an invisible kind of foe. Words and narrative.

Powerful for good and powerful for harm.

The only way I have found to move forward in peace and usually not attempt to set records straight or shadow box and get in a defensive posture is to live the best, most honorable life I know how and when I fall short - and I often do - to own it and keep on keeping on. At some point, how we live our lives consistently over time matters more than the ugly distortions of truth that have been leveled against us.

What a good reminder your post is for me today. I would say that for me... knowing that this persistent campaign to destroy is how a sibling we have invested our love and resources in most of our lives are choosing to keep a connection with us is really sad and painful.

Thank so much for such a beautiful message.  This is something that I need to read and thank you.

I am NC with a sister. We are estranged.   She won't leave me or the rest of the family alone with a lot of electronic communications. I just got some new fresh contact from her over the past few days but not directly to me or the rest of the family.  You would think she would have gained some satisfaction the last time she did that but she didn't.  It was always one of her favourite threats to get me to confirm to her was to threaten me about my employer - just to shame me and humiliate me.  I notice she was never forthcoming about all the filth she sent into my old phones and emails.  She is conveniently leaving out all the insults and mocking and other acts of revenge that she carried out towards me and all of the other sick stuff that she sent me.  In an effort to gain a response from me at one stage she was sending me pictures of her boobs to remind me how crooked my asymmetrical breasts are and to show me what real tits look like and she wonder why I am happy with the estrangement she implemented. 

She's just after getting my employer involved again and they are bloody raging.

I feel so sick. Yet again she strikes at the sister who is supposed to be dead to her.  I feel so sh1t not knowing what else she's going to do. When she's going rear her ugly head again. If she is still continuing with sending the employer filthy messages.  They don't know have of it either.   They haven't seen the filth that arrived into my inboxes and that of my families.  I'm not going to go in and wave around all the harassment.

I feel so shit and powerless.  I'm fuming and I actually feel physically sick too with poor sleeping since my employer came to me earlier in the week.  I have a poor focus too.   Having to defend myself from someone so angry and bitter. 

The police didn't help me a few years ago when I went down that route.  Some solicitors washed their hands of me.  I got in touch with some solicitors on their websites with an initial query but I have no response yet.