Mini cult

[Duck]

For those with a PD parent and an enabler parent, do you ever see your family as a mini cult with a cult leader?

I was thinking today about the HBO series Rome and this one scene where a noblewoman was angry and decided to curse her enemy. Part of the ritual of cursing her enemy was taking her own life. She was not a cult leader but she expected her servant to commit suicide simultaneously, and the servant did so.

I keep thinking about my family and it's enmeshment, how we were so focused on my dad, it's like we were him. His life was our life. For my mom, this is still true more than she realizes. And I think about Jonestown. My father is not literally Jim Jones, obviously, but it's like you need to be willing to sacrifice yourself to prove your commitment to your family.

[Boat Babe]

Oh yes. The psychology of cults is very similar to experiences with abusive PDs. The love bombing, the isolation from the rest of the world, the gaslighting, the abuse, the intermittent reinforcement, the trauma bonds.

The sacrificial aspect is particularly disturbing.

Sending encouragement and validation in your recovery and healing.

[Andeza]

It's fallen back multiple pages now, but this was, at the time, an eye-opening and engaging discussion. I'd encourage you to have a read through.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=81764.msg707656#msg707656

[Duck]

Thank you, Boat Babe. I appreciate the encouragement and validation.

Andeza, Thank you for the link. I know it will really help me.

[nanotech]

Yes I've experienced  it in my FOO, who I'm largely NC with now.
We were brought up to fear everything and everyone outside the family. The fears were irrational and misplaced. On the other hand there were  people who we were told to trust, who were not trustable. Even after they were shown to be not good people my mother's black and white thinking couldn't change her mindset. So any fallout from that was blamed on me.
I developed a habit of over worrying about safety. It's plagued me for decades.
I think it stems from when I began to live my own life. Standing  up to them made me feel unsafe because after I'd done that,  I didn't have their approval. I was out there in the world, but without their blessing, so  I felt unsafe in it.
Eventually I would  bend to their will and come back into the cult, but my independent life would be destroyed. It was a cycle. But each time I got a bit freer.
There was a major family crisis, the dysfunction rose up and  exploded. I got scapegoated, and that's when something changed. I just 'woke up'. I went and got therapy.
That whole thing about sacrificing yourself-yup exactly. You're not supposed to exist as a separate entity. Any evidence that you do, friends, partners, hobbies even, is frowned
on. Your job has to be useful to them in some way. You usually need to live near them or with them, to gain approval. You have to drop your FOC immediately, to tend to their needs, whatever they are and for however long they last. Then that still won't be good enough,because they don't want you to have the FOC at all.

Of course, the price of leaving the cult is a pretty high one. You become persona non grata. It's either the cult relationship or nothing. You have to give up your hope, finally.
But that's fine by me. I'm out of it.

[doglady]

Completely agree with this.
In fact, only the other day, my sister (only sibling I still have any contact with) and I were discussing the crossover between our dysfunctional FOO and a mini cult.

She had sent me the following link which highlights the contrasts between ‘high control’, ‘full blown’ and ‘safe’ groups. It’s a very long article and there are 25 criteria. I came to the conclusion, after reading through it, that my FOO tick the boxes for most of them, and are actually pretty full blown.
We had to sacrifice our ‘selves’ too. Woe betide any differences of opinion. Punishments were severe. Scapegoating, blaming, gaslighting, emotional abuse - you name it, we got it.
To look after my physical and mental health I had to become an ‘apostate’ and leave the cult.

https://secularliturgies.wordpress.com/2020/02/24/the-25-signs-youre-in-a-high-control-group-or-cult-by-anastasia-somerville-wong/

[MarlenaEve]

For those with a PD parent and an enabler parent, do you ever see your family as a mini cult with a cult leader?

I was thinking today about the HBO series Rome and this one scene where a noblewoman was angry and decided to curse her enemy. Part of the ritual of cursing her enemy was taking her own life. She was not a cult leader but she expected her servant to commit suicide simultaneously, and the servant did so.

I keep thinking about my family and it's enmeshment, how we were so focused on my dad, it's like we were him. His life was our life. For my mom, this is still true more than she realizes. And I think about Jonestown. My father is not literally Jim Jones, obviously, but it's like you need to be willing to sacrifice yourself to prove your commitment to your family.

YES. YES. They are exactly that, a mini cult.

Mom is the cult's leader. Whatever she says, dad follows through and accepts it as golden rule.

There is a video by Inner Integration: "The narcissist's family cult."

It is difficult to escape these cults because they actually operate like real-life cults. They have the same unspoken rules. No wonder NC is challenging for many of us here.

[Maxtrem]

You are probably right. I once saw a documentary where the sons of a former cult leader talked about the dynamics of the cult and why no one left the cult when everyone was miserable there. A psychiatrist mentioned shortly afterwards that most of the cult leaders had narcissistic and paranoid personality disorders.