Silent treatment from PD brother

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I've recently started to realise the full extent of how much I was pushed into the 'nice', 'caretaker' role in my FOO. For background I have been called nice by people outside my family my whole life. Examples "JollyJazz - you are the nicest person, gosh, you probably fart niceness!" - coworker to J.J. Lol - not sure about that! But anyway, suffice to say I grew up in the 'people pleaser'/caretaker role. I'm currently working on this.

Anyway, so I'm getting in touch with previously taboo things and as part of this my PD brother changed the locks on a shared cottage and didn't give me a key. Understandably I was annoyed and sounded a bit terse on the phone. I'm not exaggerating, I... sounded annoyed. As a result my brother moaned to my PD parents that I was 'rude' to him and as a result is giving me the silent treatment, or when I visited my parents, talking over me, ignoring what I say, monologuing or mansplaining. This behavior has been going on for MONTHS.


For the record in my FOO it's okay of my brother/s shouts, insult, smash objects, throw tantrums and hit, kick (me), but I am not allowed to be anything but kind and nice. Talk about a double standard!

Anyway, I know intelectually that this is messed up. I know what is going on. I guess I am still emotionally struggling with feeling guilty and bad. It's just horrible.

Anyway, any thoughts welcome!

[notrightinthehead]

Jolly Jazz sounds like your brother behaves really badly.  There are several aspects to your situation. One is, how do you feel inside when exposed to it? What do you think about yourself then? How can you self soothe and boost your self esteem?  How can you keep a healthy emotional distance and keep your serenity up? The second is: Do you have an idea how you Ideally would like to behave?  How Wonder Woman JJ would behave in such a situation? Is there any way you can modify how you act to this ideal response to his bad behaviour?

[JollyJazz]

Hi notrightinthehead,

Thanks for this. It's a food for thought. I think the worst part are the lingering feelings afterwards.

I know intellectually what is going on. I just feel sad. I long for a happier FOO.

I should add the violence was when I was a teenager, there are somewhat subtler forms of manipulation now.

I just feel sad about the whole issue.

[Hattie]

Someone on here once said to me that we need to focus on the "treat" part of the "silent treatment", and take it as a break from their nonsense. But I get it, it hurts

[JollyJazz]

Lol!! Yes it can be good to see it as a treat! Lol. Yes, I think I find it hard when I am struggling with other things in my life. For instance I'm in a few town trying to make contacts again and feeling isolated.

Not only is there no support, it's just that constant pressure to squash me into the same role I've been in (caretaker role). And it just brings up all those horrible feelings of guilt and not feeling 'enough'.

Thanks Hattie 

[Sheppane]

I've been there too Jolly Jazz - the ST is very uncomfortable and painful. The horrible thing is it is a way of punishing you for expressing your upset at how someone else behaved - and you do not need to feel guilty about that,  but that is the intention of the ST. Maybe if I freeze jollyjazz out she will come back and realise how " wrong " she was to react to me changing the locks like that and how " wrong " she was to feel upset. When of course the shoe is on the other foot- there is one person in this situation who should feel guilty and it is not you ! That pressure you speak of is to keep you in the caretaking role something i can relate to. IME once I began detaching from that role there was pushback.  But also freedom. I have had ST too on many occasions ( at moment after a recent episode I may again be back in early phases of it - I'll know in a week or two 😅) . Its horrible but the critical thing for me is always to look at the situation and see who is really in the wrong here  . In my case it is always a punishment for not playing my role or politely speaking my truth / asserting a boundary. It's very toxic.
This is the time to focus on you and take really good care of yourself.

[Blodyn]

I've been on the receiving end of the silent treatment from my PD sister for several years now.

I read somewhere (sorry I can't remember where), that the feelings invoked by the silent treatment, triggers our fear of abandonment.  This is a normal response and in order to stop the uncomfortable feelings of abandonment, our minds ruminate about how to resolve the difficult relationship with the person imposing the silent treatment on us.

There are a number of problems with this ruminating that we need to consider:

1) the power (silent treatment) being used against us is abuse
2) it is a passive aggressive form of communication that cannot be responded to in any meaningful or healthy way.
3) all attempts to stop the silent treatment provides the PD person with the narcissistic supply that they are looking for. I.e. the PD person uses the silent treatment to get you to respond.
4) the PD person will never take responsibility for their own actions for as long as you keep trying to make the relationship work.
5) in any healthy relationship each person must accept responsibility for 50% of the relationship.  If you are always doing the giving, and your PD brother is doing all the receiving, the. There is an unhealthy imbalance in the giving/taking.  You are giving 100% whilst your PD brother is giving 0%.
6) any child that took on the caretaker role in the family will become a people pleaser in adulthood, and this is what you need to work on.

Forget about trying to make this relationship work.  You can spend years, even decades, on a relationship that is one sided and you will still fail.  It takes two people who are committed to make a relationship work to make it happen.

Try to accept that even though this relationship is a blood relative, you are under no obligation to fulfil any more than your 50% share of the responsibility in that relationship.  Any challenging feelings that arise out of being yourself and only taking on board your 50% share, are the result of how you were conditioned to respond when you were a child.  Try to learn to let go of the fear, obligation and guilty feelings that these toxic relationships evoke.

Do lots of reading about healthy boundaries vs unhealthy boundaries.

And get hold of a good self help book on people pleasing.  One that I would recommend is When Pleasing You Is Killing Me by Dr Les Carter PhD.  Dr Carter has a really good YouTube channel on narcissism.  Well worth binge watching.

And finally, stop chasing people who give you the silent treatment.  If you do, you'll only empower them to keep doing it again and again.  Take the time that the silent treatment has given you as an opportunity to work through the uncomfortable feelings that the silent treatment evokes.  Try to think of this as a grieving process.  After all, you are grieving the loss of a relationship that you wanted and needed but can never have.  If you do the grieving work you will reach a point where you no longer crave for your FOO to be something that they can't be, and you will achieve something that they can never achieve, which is acceptance of yourself exactly as you are.  You will learn to respect yourself.  You will learn that you always were a perfectly acceptable human being and that your FOO and PD brother's treatment towards you, says more about them than it does about you.  And you will develop a very healthy intolerance of the bullshit that PDs dish out.  You will develop a healthy antenna for spotting narcissism and you will become self aware when someone is trying to manipulate you.  These are good skills to have.

It's hard work, and it will take a lot of practice, but it is worth it in then end.

My FOO forgot about me years ago.  My PD sister initially gave me the silent treatment nearly 9 years ago, but I now consider myself discarded.  It was hard to accept but having worked through the grief I now consider myself one of the lucky ones.  I got away!  I'm almost tempted to send her a thank you note but I refuse to lower my standards to her level.

I hope you find the solution that works for you.  Best of luck.  Blodyn.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Sheppane and Blodyn,

Thank you for these thoughtful replies. Much appreciated!

Hi Sheppane, I'm sorry to hear that you've been through this too

In my case it is always a punishment for not playing my role or politely speaking my truth / asserting a boundary. It's very toxic.

Yes that's what I'm having to put up with as well. I've noticed how much there is an incredible double standard especially around expressing frustration and annoyance. The rest of my family can lash out etc. But I am not allowed to be anything except 'super pleaser/care taker mode' and I still get lashed out at...

Yes I'm definitely going to work on the self care!

Blodyn, thanks so much for your thoughtful and understanding reply. Sorry you had to deal with the same thing. It is very abusive isn't it!

I'm actually working through 'the disease to please', thanks very much for these additional resources! I also have a new book on boundaries as well. These are definitely things I want to keep working on. Gosh was I ever brought up to be a 'people pleaser'!!
And great tip on the grief work. I think that's important too ☺️

Gosh this forum is such a great space to learn and grow! Much appreciated and hope you are all doing well!