How do you gain peace from a hostile situation

[Ilove....]

My sister has issues against me and also against other members of the family.  She's a very hostile and angry individual.   She carries old minor rows around with her and flings them about. She's vulgar in her words against me and the family.

There's an underlying tone in her messages when they creep in
'fix our broken relationship, or else'.  There was definitely many unwritten threats in her messages and she carried out so many despicable acts of revenge against me and also on others in the family.

We all implemented what we were supposed to do in a case like this like harassment. We changed numbers, limited social media, blocked her on social media.

This has helped somewhat but it didn't fix things in that she found other ways to make contact - like sending messages through Facebook messenger to friends, employers etc.  Just last week she made new contact with my employer which is so embarrassing. 

Myself and the family are at a loss what to do to bring peace to the situation. We are not forcing contact or forcing a fix of our broken relationships by the way.  Legal avenues have completey failed us in our state.   The police say its a civil matter.   Solicitors (lawyers American term) say the only avenue for us is an injunction which can cost thousands which is money that we don't have.   Even sending a legal letter was advised against because its generally a precursor to an injunction.  The solicitor said that I will have to be willing to go down the injunction route before he would send a letter, in case she ignores a letter otherwise its an idle threat. I suppose it makes sense.

I'm at a loss what else I can do to bring about peace to the situation.   I'm not doing anything except for ignoring her attempts at contact.

We can't live like this either not knowing what she will do next, when she will strike again, what else is she going to do?

She seems to think the answer to her happiness belongs in our hands and acknowledge her and her issues against the family and apologising.  We did that before by the way, about three years ago but she didn't want to know.  At this stage, it's all just control.   She has bad feelings and she just wants to throw it back at us. 

We are doing what we are supposed to be doing and ignoring her drama, not responding to her, she won't leave us alone.

I have a disgusting, sinking feeling that she is still not done with us.

[GettingOOTF]

I have this issue with my ex husband. It's exhausting. I've blocked, changed phone numbers and emails etc. It only slows him down.

When people are fixated like this there is really nothing you can do but to continue NC and hope they burn themselves out. The few times I broke Nc to tell my ex to leave me alone it only encouraged him.

My therapist told me that I basically ha e to ignore him, to not let him impact my life and to go about my business. It's not what I wanted to hear but it's what I've had to do.

I've spoken to attorneys, the police, a DV group and a high end personal security specialist. They all say the same thing, that he's not breaking any laws. Some have advised that a letter will only encourage him. Others have told me that the letter from an attorney can be used against me and he could use it to accuse me of harassment.

The law is 100% not in your side here. My ex isn't as bad as he was. I hope he will one day leave me alone but everyone I've spoken to has said that this won't happen.

Right now I'm focusing on not letting him get to me. I do things like turn off my phone on my birthday and other special days where he's more likely to reach out to harass me. It's infuriating but at some point I had to accept that he wasn't going away and put things in place to make my life more bearable.

[M0009803]

Just curious, but does your sister work?

I would turn the tables on her if this is the case.

Send a letter (via a solicitor if need be) to her employer and copy her in explaining the situation and that she is harrassing you (and your family).

This might work (as in she might back down), but it could also enrage her.

I am only suggesting this because the status quo doesn't seem to be working well for you, and ignoring her seems to keep her even more engaged in relation to continually harrassing you.

[FoggedFrog]

Hello.

I can't give much input per the legal situation because it seems we might be in different countries, but I think it is a problem that defies borders with legal systems just not being sufficient for our types of situations. It sucks but we have to deal with it.

My PD Sib did a lot of similar things and they didn't lose steam until about 5 years after going NC. Eventually I had to come up with my own way of dealing with this life. It takes time and what worked for me may not work for you. But maybe sharing these will help get some ideas started.

If PD Sib contacted a family member or friend, I had to realize I have no control over that and I can hope my relationship with that person is enough for them to know the truth and reject the lies. If PD Sib ever showed up at my place of work (one time they did), I would leave my post immediately to find a superior and vaguely explain the situation (eg PD Sib has mental problems, they do not belong here, they should be escorted out if possible ASAP, etc) and stand my ground in not returning to work until they are gone. I need to lock down my social media air tight so that it's really hard to add me as a friend, and I never add anyone if I don't immediately know who they are. If I saw PD Sib randomly in town or at an event, I would vaguely and politely tell whoever I was with the situation so we could go to a different location or leave altogether. And above all, I said I wasn't going to let my fear of PD Sib dictate my life decisions. I cannot control PD Sib and apparently the law is unable to either. But life must go on nonetheless.

At the end of the day, PDs will try these tactics for some length of time and they won't stop. And we have to be the ones on the brunt end of the stick and deal with it with no help. But at least here you have support. I wish you luck in however you decide to proceed. Trust in your instincts.

[GettingOOTF]

I would strongly caution against sending a letter to your sisters employer. I have been dealing with my ex for years. I have spoken to so many people who are supposed to help in these situations. The one thing they all agree on is not to do anything that can be seen as you harassing your stalker. It’s infuriating and unfair, but it’s the way it is. She can always come after you for stalking and harassment.

I recommend reading The Gift of Fear. It has a lot of information on stallion and on what the best approach is.

The sad fact is that getting any formal help with stalking usually takes years and many thousands of dollars. The law is generally not interested unless laws have been broken or you are in actual physical danger, and even then they tend to stay out of it.

[Ilove....]

Thank you for all of the replies.

We fell out a number of years ago and it began then.   That was 6 years ago.   It's frightening how she's still at it.   She became worse in 2017 and she was at her worst from 2018 and 2019.  I remember a point in 2019 where she sent more disgusting messages.   I sank reading them and it definitely played on my mind thinking - what's next?    She vaguely keeps in touch with one sibling but he knows what she is like and he is very careful with her.  They live in different countries so they done share a physical life together.  He rang home to say hello.  The family at home is not keeping tracks of her but in conversation he mentioned she is gone away again on holidays to X City in Z country.  I couldn't believe it. I was astonished.  Not at the holiday but at the absolute cruelty of her behaviour. She couldn't go away and enjoy the holiday that she had planned for herself without dishing out a level of fear to me and another sibling at home.   The very situation left me sick.   

So many of her messages, whenever they creep in pretty much says - 'confirm to me and my feelings or else'.   Those are not the words she uses but that definitely the tone.  They are generally ignored.  She wants me to fix it all but she's high conflict and I can't.  I'm not able for it.  She needs to learn to meet another person half way and she's not able for that.

It's been 6 years from the start of our fall out and she's still not done with me or with the others in the family too.  She's definitely living her own drama movie. She still hasn't burned herself out.

I think she is working.  I don't understand how she has the energy for all the hostility.   I work full time but often I find my back is to the wall with being poor on time.   When I get free time, I like to enjoy it or catch up with chores and laundry and prepare for the week ahead.  I don't understand how she has the energy to keep going with all the hatred and revenge to the family.  Its just as easy to go and enjoy life and spend time in nature as an example. 

I won't be contacting her employer. I don't think that is the answer.  I don't know where she works but I could probably find out if I was pushed enough.   I have the general location of her work already but I am not pushed.  I did consider it but I don't think that is the answer.

I live my own life and I try to live it as best I can.  I try to be happy and grateful for what I have.   I have a hobby in my life that feeds my soul with pure joy and happiness.  I am finding it very hard lately especially after the recent round from her.   There's evil on my back that won't go away. 

[GettingOOTF]

I've been divorced for years. When I hear from my ex I assume it's because something is going wrong in his life and he's falling back in to old habits - blaming me for his issues.

He has a full time job, lives with another woman, hobbies, friends. We've been divorced for years, no kids and I cut contact with all mutual friends. We have zero overlap in our lives. It's an obsession on his part and it's a dangerous mental illness. I have no doubt one day skewering will set his off and he'll try to kill me. He's not stupid though so for now he stays on the side of what is legal so there is nothing anyone can do. I have to live with it. The DV police officer is spoke to said to call 911 if I ever see him in person. I never go anywhere without my phone and I vary my routes and times home from work. You just kind of learn to live with it.

[Boat Babe]

Getting Out of the FOG. I feel for you. You are so brave.

[M0009803]

I would strongly caution against sending a letter to your sisters employer. I have been dealing with my ex for years. I have spoken to so many people who are supposed to help in these situations. The one thing they all agree on is not to do anything that can be seen as you harassing your stalker. It’s infuriating and unfair, but it’s the way it is. She can always come after you for stalking and harassment.

I recommend reading The Gift of Fear. It has a lot of information on stallion and on what the best approach is.

The sad fact is that getting any formal help with stalking usually takes years and many thousands of dollars. The law is generally not interested unless laws have been broken or you are in actual physical danger, and even then they tend to stay out of it.

The legal situation regarding this kind of thing is different in the US.

I have lived in the US for a decade, and would not pursue such an eventuality there, as the onus would be on you.

But in the UK (have currently lived here for about 7 years), armed with evidence that your sister contacted your employer, you would be well within your rights to respond to her harrasment.  And her employer would likely take this seriously, and she would be put on notice.  If she harrasses you again, she would likely lose her job.

[Ilove....]

I considered contacting her employer at one point but it's not an option.  I think it will anger her more and there's potential for more abuse from her.

It's a difficult situation.  All I crave and need is peace. 

[Ilove....]

I don't know where she works either.  I have the general location of her work but that's it.   I don't know what area of work or what company. 

Although, she hasn't mellowed in years, it could be an option I could consider at this stage. 

[Ilove....]

I thought about what M0009803 said.

Originally I was against the recommendation to contact her place of work but I thought about it a little bit more and I am nearly considering it as an option.  6 years of ignoring and grey rock hasn't worked.  The legal route has failed me and my family. All I want and need in this life is peace which she has refused to give. I know what she did last week contacting my employers isn't going to be the end of it from her.  She's going to do it again and again. Where does it stop and end? Never?   She hates me and the rest of the family.  She's on a mission thinking she is entitled to relationships with us while she has an axe to grind.   She won't ever reflect on her own actions and see why the relationships are stained and nothing.  She just keeps lashing out and just implementing - shaming and humiliation and revenge tactics.  I'm so sick of it.

I'm not in the US or UK.  In my country, I do know the media loves latching onto harassment cases from the courts and when the media goes to write about such cases, they really go all out with the information.   To some degree she is putting her place of work in jeopardy or on the line.  The issue now for me is finding out where she works. She changed jobs last year and I think when the change she's more brazen.

[GettingOOTF]

I totally get your frustration. I cried over this for years. It's just so unfair. One of the considerations with people with mental illnesses is that they see things differently and you never know what will push them to become violent. Your sister is trying to get a reaction from you and you can bet she has a plan to escalate once you react.

I'd take all of this in to consideration before reacting.

I hate how powerless I am against my ex, how he holds all the cards. But I know that my reacting will only cause him to escalate as I will be playing in to his narrative of me and the source of all his problems.

The sad fact is that there are cases like ours where it doesn't ever end. It's a bitter pill to swallow but over time I have never regretted not failing for the bait  my ex so skillfully dangles in front of me.

[Ilove....]

I read your reply last night gettingootf. 

I have similar feelings.  I hate how the legal avenues failed me and my family and I hate how powerless I feel at someone who is out to destroy everything I have. 

I decided last night against taking any action like what M000 above says. I asked myself - does tracking down her employer and informing them of the abuse help or harm the situation?  I decided against it.   I'm in an ok place with my life and happiness and I decided against it.

Then this morning, I woke up to new fresh drama, created out from thin air.  She was ignored last week in her recent round of dirt to get attention.  She just had to keep pushing more dirt.   I am afraid of writing too much in case she finds me and finds out.   She did something so rotten and vulgar against the family.   Its just another move trying to push our buttons for a reaction.   She's a dirtbag. 

[M0009803]

I read your reply last night gettingootf. 

I have similar feelings.  I hate how the legal avenues failed me and my family and I hate how powerless I feel at someone who is out to destroy everything I have. 

I decided last night against taking any action like what M000 above says. I asked myself - does tracking down her employer and informing them of the abuse help or harm the situation?  I decided against it.   I'm in an ok place with my life and happiness and I decided against it.

Then this morning, I woke up to new fresh drama, created out from thin air.  She was ignored last week in her recent round of dirt to get attention.  She just had to keep pushing more dirt.   I am afraid of writing too much in case she finds me and finds out.   She did something so rotten and vulgar against the family.   Its just another move trying to push our buttons for a reaction.   She's a dirtbag.

At this stage, if you are not sure how you want to proceed, I would start collecting evidence.   Keep records of her communications (with yourself and your employer).

This at least gives you options, if in the future she chooses to escalate matters.

[Ilove....]

I read your reply last night gettingootf. 

I have similar feelings.  I hate how the legal avenues failed me and my family and I hate how powerless I feel at someone who is out to destroy everything I have. 

I decided last night against taking any action like what M000 above says. I asked myself - does tracking down her employer and informing them of the abuse help or harm the situation?  I decided against it.   I'm in an ok place with my life and happiness and I decided against it.

Then this morning, I woke up to new fresh drama, created out from thin air.  She was ignored last week in her recent round of dirt to get attention.  She just had to keep pushing more dirt.   I am afraid of writing too much in case she finds me and finds out.   She did something so rotten and vulgar against the family.   Its just another move trying to push our buttons for a reaction.   She's a dirtbag.

At this stage, if you are not sure how you want to proceed, I would start collecting evidence.   Keep records of her communications (with yourself and your employer).

This at least gives you options, if in the future she chooses to escalate matters.

I don't know how to proceed.  The legal avenues have failed me.  I'm sister is definitely suffering and she's lashing out.  She seems the think the answer is in my hands but I can't help her.  The same goes for the rest of the family.  She needs to focus on herself and her own healing but she won't do that without lashing out and punishing us.

Just last week there was mail in the post.  It was mentioned before on these forums if mail comes that you don't recognise, don't open it. That was mentioned here in another thread.  The mail that came last week, the writing was changed from the last time.  It turns out I was pictures of porn in the mail. There was no name to the pictures but I know it is from her.

I mentioned it to my partner and he said - the cops won't do anything because there's no proof that it's from her.   I'm distraught about it because after so many years she's still going on and on and on and on about her feelings and her feelings only. Nothing else matters in this world to her. Nobody set out to go against her.

At this stage, if I knew where she worked, I absolutely would go down the route of contracting her employer because I think that could possibly be the answer to get all this to stop.

[Ilove....]

I ignored my sisters attempt last spring to cause trouble with my employer.  I was disappointed that she did it yet again and I was sickened too but I turned around and ignored it.

The summer was reasonably quite from her to me. She started on our mother for a period of time so the focus was on our mother and not me.

Just recently my employer came to me and informed me that there were more messages. This time I was filled with pure fury. Not to my employer. I bottled up my feelings.  Towards my sister because I know the messages were to shame me once again but she won't tell the real proper story.  Also because it came out from no where. Its been years of grey rock and ignoring her and she's still not finished. I can't live like this anymore.   My head hurts with pure pain.  I feel hungover as if I was drinking all week and got no sleep.  I feel so sick.  I want to die because everything then just ends. All the pain and hurt she's causing.   It will be over. She had no right to do what she did and out from no where.