When you’re trying to move on

[Happypants]

I'm just wondering what others' experiences are with parents who appear to be chilling out/lovebombing/taking it down a notch or two? (I honestly don't know which it it  )

I've posted before about how my father was shielding and my mother ended up in hospital with a suspected stroke (turned out not to be that) and a broken hip after a fall.  They seemed to calm down while shielding from the beginning of the pandemic, and since my mother came out of hospital she has been overly nice (except the odd comment here and there where she CLEARLY couldn't contain herself).  And more recently my fathers heart issue has caused him some problems for which they're trying tweaking his medication.  I'm conflicted as to whether they've had a change of heart about me or whether this is more grooming for me caring for them/her. (Even reading what I've written I'm split between thinking I'm being naive and being heartless).  My father is a stickler for being prepared and even a few years ago showed my mother how to take care of the bills once he goes - I believe he's convinced that he'll go first. 

For years they've very covertly, and sometimes not so covertly, manipulated, guilt tripped, invalidated, minimised and compared my life to my GC brother's - very much keeping me in my place as SG. But, it has often been very subtle and interspersed with normal behaviour. But now, especially with my mother, there's a sickly sweet OTT to her communication with me. 

It's getting to me more just now because my health has improved, I have work coming in, I have some more energy and want to get fit again, I want to widen the net with regards to career opportunities and travel in this country. Basically, I've got my enthusiasm and fire in the belly back for life - for years I had a balance issue, and the past 5 years a fatigue and brain fog issue which is slowly abating. More recently I've has aches and pains and as a woman in my mid forties it's difficult to know what is caused by what - FOG, peri or lifestyle   

But this saccharine sweet behaviour is really leaving me feeling threatened during a time where everything is just starting to come together. Has anyone else experienced their parents ramping up the good behaviour to prime you for what their future may bring?  On balance, has anyone experienced ramping up the niceties due to a change of heart or due to your boundaries being effective?

[SparkStillLit]

In my case, niceness has always been ramped up because ultimately they want something outta me. Every. Freaking. Time.
I'm over it. Games I'll never win.

[Leonor]

Yes yessy yes to the yessy yes yes!

Here's the thing, though:

You do you. You are the star of your life. You are blossoming! Isn't that a wonderful feeling?

Now what mom and dad do is them, doing them. They just do whatever it is they do. How they treat you- good, bad indifferent- is all about them. Don't let them pull you off center.

Observe: hmm, mom's being nice today; hmm, dad's talking about his will again; hmm, they brought up GC again. Hmm.

You probably can identify a pattern. You can recognize maneuvers. (The "stroke that wasn't" is one of my fil's personal faves.) But then, let it go.

"Okay, mom thanks bye bye," "All right dad, gotta go take care!" And off you go to take a walk or polish your resume or something else promising and wonderful.

[Cat of the Canals]

What Leonor said. Keep on keepin' on with YOUR life and YOUR goals as the #1 priority.

IF (huge, big, fat IF) this is a genuine change in your parents... that's nice. However, I would expect any sudden "change of heart" to have come from or come with a bit of self-reflection. Thoughts of, "Good gravy, we were a bit unfair/unkind/etc. to Happypants in the past, weren't we? I feel bad about that. I'd like to do better." I'm the type of person that would then offer an apology to the person I'd treated poorly. I don't mean to suggest that a lack of an apology inherently means this is hoovering, but it does make me wary. And the fact that you describe it as "saccharine sweet behaviour" makes me doubly so. Both my PD mom and PD mil are big fans of playing nice after bad behavior as a way to almost gaslight you into "moving on" and not rocking the boat.

If they can maintain this newfound sweetness for six months? A year? Heck, maybe it is real. Until then, I'd keep your boundaries in place and your guard up.

[Happypants]

Thanks for the feedback.  It's really casting a shadow over my progress, well, in the sense that I'm letting it by constantly debating the issue in my head 

SparkStillLit - I'm sorry, that's so painful.  I'm glad you're rising above their behaviour 

Leonor - Thanks.  There's definitely a pattern, although it's usually the ramping up of the nastiness that's the predictable part with them ie when i verbally counter something they've said or I make myself unavailable to concentrate on work or self-care.  The niceties tend to float along in the midst of whatever their angst is at the time.  But you're right, that's on them.  Luckily I have a few tight deadlines coming up which tie me to work panic, but free me from their expectations (in my head, not theirs  ).

Cat of the Canals - I really appreciate your insight.  For years a balance problem i have went under the radar for them, but my mother has been left with a balance issue and tends to bring mine into conversation when she's talking about hers, as if she now acknowledges it, but whenever she does i just feel incredibly uncomfortable, like "lets go back to you minimising it".  That aside, there have been too many other opportunities that they've taken advantage of to reinforce the negative narrative that casts me as the SG.  This newfound acceptance or whatever it is on their part just feels like a massive hook.  You're right, there's absolutely no reason to let my boundaries disintegrate regardless of what's behind the change.

[Peace Lily]

Gosh Hapypants, I could have written your post! My mother has  also been laying nice for 2 years now - just the odd bit of guilt tripping about their poor health and inability to do their garden. My mother never told me she loved me, but now she not only tells me, but it's way OTT! "I love you SO " I miss you SO". (It's creepy when you are not used to it!).I don't trust them anymore though and I'm keeping them at arms length. It is extra hard when you are not provided with anything to make you angry, and the hurt from 3 years ago, though still there, is not providing the anger to keep my boundaries on fire! Also others I feel are thinking it's high time to forgive and forget as my parents are in their 80s and struggling.
My advice to you is to be very wary if you have had no sincere apology. You can be compassionate and help even, perhaps, with genuine needs, but keep your boundaries firmly in place and don't get hoovered. You ARE the priority! It is your turn now, so get out there and enjoy your life - you deserve it!

[Fortuna]

Oddly enough my mom is sickly sweet right after she's 'won'. After I cave, and she's pulled a fast one, gotten her way, whatever. After she pulled the stunt of booking the flight for longer than I wanted her to visit and I told her we'd make it work this time and next time I'd be more specific she was absolutely foul to me on the rest of that phone call like she had a script of all the things she had in her arsenal to gaslight me, guilt trip me, shame me, bully me and so on. At that point I decided to go NC after that visit. The visit itself was bizzaro land. She was happy, chipper, barely made any negative comments(still enough to let me know NC was the right option), she tipped people that did not require tipping (I usually have to go back and make sure the waitstaff haven't been stiffed at restaurants. I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone where my mom had been replaced by an alien that learned human culture from 1950's etiquette magazines. She couldn't manage the entire trip without the mask slipping a couple of times but it was on there good for a few days. It always felt like she had to get all the venom out to act normal for a little bit, but her normal was very fake sick sweet kind of happy.

My guess is it's a form of love-bombing/rug-sweeping hoping to get you to commit to their care. If you give them a chance just go in carefully and don't make any promises.