Suddenly went NC

[SeaSalt]

After years of VLC and my nM controlled behavior (and so many love texts that I never believed) suddenly she wrote 2 long nasty texts. She put together all her crazy and told me that the only mistake of my stepF (pedophile) is that he loved me too much  and that the only reason she is with him because he was such an amazing father to me  . She confirmed how i support abusers by supporting my bioF. All her lies were there written black on white together and it made me mad. I responded only with the emoticon that cries of laughing. But than the anger that was growing in my body making me feel sick. I woke up with an enormous rage and while walking my dog in beautiful nature a though of NC came to me and I felt such a peace. I knew it was a right decision.
Came home and wrote her that I'm sick of her lies again and I need a break from her. I will lose my health if I continue to feeling so bad because of her distortion of the truth and convincing me of her lies.That I will block her for a while because I feel sick from these messages she wrote. I told her that I won't disappear, that can always ask my brother or her sister if they've heard from me, that she' ll always know if I'm okay when she wants to. I said wish it was different, but obviously not possible. I'll get back to you one day when this torment passes me by.
I blocked her on my phone but she still managed to write on wattsup: you don't need to block me, I promise you that I will never write anything you don't want again. I love you.
I answered: what you do to me is the opposite of love. I ll unblock you when this feeling goes away.
And than I blocked her there as well.

I feel so much better now. Immediately my body relaxed, my muscles relaxed, my blood started to circulate again and my voice got stronger.

I understood that the VLC was damaging as well. Receiving her fake texts full of hearts and fake love was bothering me very much and I did not even realize it until now.
I felt like accepting those fake nice texts was supporting her madness again. Like I was again part of her cult. Silent again. Accepting falseness again just because it was sugar coated.

Today I feel true to myself. It feels great. Strangely enough I do not care if there will be consequences. If my brother will not want to see me, let me meet my niece. Suddenly I do not care. I just had to stand up for myself. I had to draw a line.

Thank you for reading and thank you for existing all. This forum is so helpful.

[Dandelion]

Your post sounds so clear Sealsalt, nothing to add except gladness you are feeling so much better, now that this crazy-making stuff has been pushed out of your life.  The sheer physical "relaxation" of my body is something I also noticed too. 

[DistanceNotDefense]

 

For me it felt good to finally take the plunge. The water is extremely cold at first but you get used to it. You may feel guilty sometimes here and there in the next few months, wonder if you're the wrong one, but it does get easier! Way, way easier and so much more peace.

And this forum is a huge help 

[TwentyTwenty]

Congratulations on your 'suddenly' moment!!! So happy for you, and I hope your health, emotions and happiness skyrockets from here on!

Once you're truly away for a while, you'll wonder why you accepted the damage for so long, but keep focused on your future, being decidedly happy and healthy!

[SeaSalt]

Thank you so much DistanceNoDefense , Dandelion and TwentyTwenty for your posts and support. Its so great to know that I am not alone and that there is an entire community that can perfectly understand how does it feel and how NC can be such a healthy decision.

This time I feel so different than the first time. When I went to NC first time, I was so fragile and vulnerable. I was feeling very sick and spent months in cold water doubting my decision. Flying monkey were very active and I was not ready for them. I also had made it too dramatic by saying to myself, my nM and everyone that my NC was forever.

I learned my lessons and this time I said I am blocking her "for a while". When flying monkeys come I will tell them to not worry, its just a phase (a life long one, I hope, but I wont tell them that) so they will be satisfied with that. Those that will be heavy, I have no mercy for them anymore, they will get blocked too.

This time I did not write anything heavy to my nM, nothing she can use against me, so good luck with smear campaign.

And most importantly: this time I am completely emotionally detached from my nM. I have been already for years completely emotionally and physically distant. I saw her at a funeral of a family member a year ago and I felt no connection at all. I worked a lot in therapy to detach myself from her and from the imaginary mother that I was linking to her body and I think it gave fruits.
Now going to NC with her, it really does not feel that dramatic. I stopped feeling as if she was my mother years ago.¨

I am optimistic that this time will be much easier to stay NC. My body loves this decision. I can feel it. I was struggling for weeks with the throat pain and muscle pain and as I blocked her, every pain magically disappeared.

Just before I was listening to the laud music and dancing. I had no idea that VLC was damaging as well. Maybe I was just not completely ready before. However, this today feels so right. So good.

Also it felt so good to tell her what I really think. I never get to say that. When she wrote "I love you" I got to write her finally "what you do to me is the opposite of love". I always wished to express that, never had chance. I know she wont care, she does not care, but I got to say it. It feels good.

Thank you for reading you amazing brave people.

[SunnyMeadow]

SeaSalt, this is such an uplifting and positive post. I'm still VLC and it's definitely damaging.

Keep on enjoying the music, dancing and NC! 

[DistanceNotDefense]

I learned my lessons and this time I said I am blocking her "for a while". When flying monkeys come I will tell them to not worry, its just a phase (a life long one, I hope, but I wont tell them that) so they will be satisfied with that. Those that will be heavy, I have no mercy for them anymore, they will get blocked too.

I went this route too for my own peace of mind. Thoughts of forever filled me with despair. And who knows, maybe it won't be forever? Instead, I framed it as "for as long as I feel not ready to be around them, as long as they drain me and the thought of interacting them fills me with weakness and dread."

That feeling could last forever, but I'll take it one day at a time. I probably won't ever actively seek to bring them back into my life again - if they pop on my radar again years from now and try to talk this through, I'll give that a big fat "maybe." If they cross boundaries again, they done and we can have more space again. They will never have a central place of importance in my life.

I also knew if I said "bye forever" that would bring more harm than hurt their way, it's not worth it. My NC has only ever been communicated as "requesting space." Even that has not been respected!

Bravo again for taking the leap, it is not easy 

[SeaSalt]

I learned my lessons and this time I said I am blocking her "for a while". When flying monkeys come I will tell them to not worry, its just a phase (a life long one, I hope, but I wont tell them that) so they will be satisfied with that. Those that will be heavy, I have no mercy for them anymore, they will get blocked too.

I went this route too for my own peace of mind. Thoughts of forever filled me with despair. And who knows, maybe it won't be forever? Instead, I framed it as "for as long as I feel not ready to be around them, as long as they drain me and the thought of interacting them fills me with weakness and dread."

That feeling could last forever, but I'll take it one day at a time. I probably won't ever actively seek to bring them back into my life again - if they pop on my radar again years from now and try to talk this through, I'll give that a big fat "maybe." If they cross boundaries again, they done and we can have more space again. They will never have a central place of importance in my life.

I also knew if I said "bye forever" that would bring more harm than hurt their way, it's not worth it. My NC has only ever been communicated as "requesting space." Even that has not been respected!

Bravo again for taking the leap, it is not easy 

DistanceNotDefense, this is exactly what I do now. It helps to avoid drama with all FOO but also drama in my mind. Somehow, the thought of "forever" made me too many existential questions. While when I take it one day at a time, it allows to take out the heaviness of it. It is the opposite dynamics than anything we lived in past with them. Just this in itself is very healing: finding ways to avoid drama instead of feeding drama.

[ArmadilloKate]

Yay!!!!!!!!

I can just feel the relief in your post! What your mom wrote was so so hurtful and wrong but just such a gift too to get that poisonous honesty so you could take the first step to NC. These are people you don't need in your life. And your reasons for making it "temporary" instead of permanent make a lot of sense.

I am so sad for you and what you've gone through but so happy for your freedom. 

[SeaSalt]

ArmadilloKate thank you  You are very right. The fact that my mothers text was so poisonous helped me to take the NC decision. She spent several years being so very covert: on the outside she looked like she changed so much. She presented herself as calm, peaceful, full of love and understanding. Even though I knew it was fake and was getting  periodical sick of it, it was harder to take a NC decision when she was so calm.

Once a year ago she sent a similar text but I deleted it immediately and ignored it instead of letting my emotion come out and dealing with it. Luckily this time I was strong enough to deal with it. I actually wrote down the text by hand and segmented it and analysed every word of it.  It gave me clarity. It gave me strength.

Its a day after and I feel so empowered and still singing and dancing. I do not even have the need to know if on their side (FOO side) there is now a drama. It's their thing, its their circus and their path, they can walk it as they wish.

I see now that months ago I was just simply not ready. And it good that I did not force myself back than into NC. It came naturally now and it happen when it had to. There was no warning, I did not feel anything special in this last period. I did not even know that I was ready now. This shows me that I need to stop thinking that I need preparation for every move. Everything evolves and it comes when its time. When its time, we are ready and simply know what to do in the moment. No need to overthink it in advance.

[ArmadilloKate]

It's the beauty of listening to your emotions and gut. Good job. Keep dancing!