Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....

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Boat Babe

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....
« Reply #20 on: May 05, 2021, 12:32:37 PM »
He will continue like this until he dies.

He will not change.

He will abuse you at every opportunity.

You will never get any kindness from him. Ever.

You really have to accept this difficult and painful truth. It took me till my late fifties to "get" it as far as my mother is concerned and she is not as blatantly toxic and demanding as your father. I had to grieve. You will too.

The solution is in your hands, not his. You can change. You can protect yourself, starting by using the tools on the OOTF website. You can decide the parameters of any relationship you have with your father. You can decide what is acceptable to you and at what point you walk away.

Otherwise, this will go on till he dies. Sorry to be so brutal. I mean it with love for a fellow victim. Your next goal is to be a survivor and then a thriver.
It gets better. It has to.

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p123

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....
« Reply #21 on: May 12, 2021, 12:26:26 PM »
He will continue like this until he dies.

He will not change.

He will abuse you at every opportunity.

You will never get any kindness from him. Ever.

You really have to accept this difficult and painful truth. It took me till my late fifties to "get" it as far as my mother is concerned and she is not as blatantly toxic and demanding as your father. I had to grieve. You will too.

The solution is in your hands, not his. You can change. You can protect yourself, starting by using the tools on the OOTF website. You can decide the parameters of any relationship you have with your father. You can decide what is acceptable to you and at what point you walk away.

Otherwise, this will go on till he dies. Sorry to be so brutal. I mean it with love for a fellow victim. Your next goal is to be a survivor and then a thriver.

Thanks boatbabe - yeh I realise that. I always say I mourned for my Dad years ago.....

Hes just in the death waiting queue now and he has no wish to be anywhere else.

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Tundra Woman

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends...
« Reply #22 on: May 13, 2021, 09:14:15 AM »
From where I’m sittin’ this is a classic PD Parental Shit Test: “Who do you prioritize, me or those awful brats of your’s and it BETTER be ME.” In typical Double Bind fashion, your so called father has fashioned a no-win situation for you so I’d ignore, ignore, ignore your FM brother and point blank, very flatly tell them both on Rinse and Repeat, “That’s not happening.” Period. Don’t JADE.

Your father is insanely jealous of the attention your children receive and he doesn’t like the competition. In fact, he deeply resents them AND you for not immediately throwing your kids in the closest dumpster to dance attendance at on his wrinkled posterior. Sorry my friend, you have the geriatric equivalent of a tantruming 2 yr. old who has set up a false dichotomy. He’s setting the Rules of Engagement and you’re allowing it without realizing you DO have alternatives.

His demand is absolutely faux. It doesn’t even rate a response of any kind-and he knows it’s ridiculous.

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Boat Babe

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....
« Reply #23 on: May 13, 2021, 09:49:34 AM »
 :yeahthat:
It gets better. It has to.

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nanotech

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends...
« Reply #24 on: May 13, 2021, 12:49:29 PM »
 
From where I’m sittin’ this is a classic PD Parental Shit Test: “Who do you prioritize, me or those awful brats of your’s and it BETTER be ME.” In typical Double Bind fashion, your so called father has fashioned a no-win situation for you so I’d ignore, ignore, ignore your FM brother and point blank, very flatly tell them both on Rinse and Repeat, “That’s not happening.” Period. Don’t JADE.

Your father is insanely jealous of the attention your children receive and he doesn’t like the competition. In fact, he deeply resents them AND you for not immediately throwing your kids in the closest dumpster to dance attendance at on his wrinkled posterior.
This is great advice abd I especially love the ‘wrinkled posterior’ reference.  ;D

Yes. Ignore ignore ignore. And don’t let him try to run your life like this. See him if/ when you want to. Get there when it suits you. Leave when you want to. Never apologise. Never explain. Medium chill/ grey rock any hysterical button pushing. Stop being defensive. If he questions you tell him calmly/ firmly that it’s not acceptable. See the Medium Chill toolbox on here.
I’ve done this with my dad. He hasn’t changed, but his behaviour has. He’d love to continue walking all over me, but he knows I won’t have it from him any more.  So he’s had to adjust. He acts respectfully. He doesn’t bother now, with the histrionics.
 I had to stand up to him up to him, big time,  twice.  The pattern broke and I’m free.
Any further efforts from him were very weedy and were easily swatted. So he stopped.
And now ,the resentment I harboured from all of that vicious pressure, has faded, I  CAN deal with him - because he’s at arms length now and powerless. I even feel a bit fond of him every now and again.
They are disordered. They will never realise themselves how toxic they are being. We have to break the pattern. It even helps them, in the end.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2021, 12:51:24 PM by nanotech »

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends...
« Reply #25 on: May 13, 2021, 02:46:06 PM »
I’ve done this with my dad. He hasn’t changed, but his behaviour has. He’d love to continue walking all over me, but he knows I won’t have it from him any more.  So he’s had to adjust. He acts respectfully. He doesn’t bother now, with the histrionics.
 I had to stand up to him up to him, big time,  twice.  The pattern broke and I’m free.
Any further efforts from him were very weedy and were easily swatted. So he stopped.
And now ,the resentment I harboured from all of that vicious pressure, has faded, I  CAN deal with him - because he’s at arms length now and powerless. I even feel a bit fond of him every now and again.
They are disordered. They will never realise themselves how toxic they are being. We have to break the pattern. It even helps them, in the end.

I needed this today. My husband and I have gotten a lot more confident and strict with boundaries lately, and there have been small but noticeable behavior changes in PDmom and PDmil. Sometimes I find myself wondering if they have changed, which almost leads me down a path of doubt/guilt/hope... but I know with near 100% certainty that if we lowered any of the boundaries, they would go right back to PD business as usual.

This was a good reminder that PDs may alter their behavior when the supply is cut off, may even appear to be less demanding/selfish/etc. But without a radical change in self-awareness, they are the same people underneath. If the supply returned, so would their sense of entitlement.

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Tundra Woman

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....
« Reply #26 on: May 13, 2021, 09:42:14 PM »
Sit tight-and your reservations are well founded. Your boundaries may very well /
(IMO, should) catch them off guard. You’re.....”different,” somehow and they need a hot sec to adjust. My bet is they’ll roll over and show some rendition of a soft underbelly aka “Well yes of course! I understand what you’re saying...”

Like hell.

If these people are anything they are adaptive in a heartbeat or less. I wish I had been as smart as you a couple of decades ago.

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p123

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends...
« Reply #27 on: May 18, 2021, 09:46:19 AM »
From where I’m sittin’ this is a classic PD Parental Shit Test: “Who do you prioritize, me or those awful brats of your’s and it BETTER be ME.” In typical Double Bind fashion, your so called father has fashioned a no-win situation for you so I’d ignore, ignore, ignore your FM brother and point blank, very flatly tell them both on Rinse and Repeat, “That’s not happening.” Period. Don’t JADE.

Your father is insanely jealous of the attention your children receive and he doesn’t like the competition. In fact, he deeply resents them AND you for not immediately throwing your kids in the closest dumpster to dance attendance at on his wrinkled posterior. Sorry my friend, you have the geriatric equivalent of a tantruming 2 yr. old who has set up a false dichotomy. He’s setting the Rules of Engagement and you’re allowing it without realizing you DO have alternatives.

His demand is absolutely faux. It doesn’t even rate a response of any kind-and he knows it’s ridiculous.

Ha ha oh yes. My kids are just a distraction and he hates it.....

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p123

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends...
« Reply #28 on: May 18, 2021, 09:47:57 AM »
From where I’m sittin’ this is a classic PD Parental Shit Test: “Who do you prioritize, me or those awful brats of your’s and it BETTER be ME.” In typical Double Bind fashion, your so called father has fashioned a no-win situation for you so I’d ignore, ignore, ignore your FM brother and point blank, very flatly tell them both on Rinse and Repeat, “That’s not happening.” Period. Don’t JADE.

Your father is insanely jealous of the attention your children receive and he doesn’t like the competition. In fact, he deeply resents them AND you for not immediately throwing your kids in the closest dumpster to dance attendance at on his wrinkled posterior.
This is great advice abd I especially love the ‘wrinkled posterior’ reference.  ;D

Yes. Ignore ignore ignore. And don’t let him try to run your life like this. See him if/ when you want to. Get there when it suits you. Leave when you want to. Never apologise. Never explain. Medium chill/ grey rock any hysterical button pushing. Stop being defensive. If he questions you tell him calmly/ firmly that it’s not acceptable. See the Medium Chill toolbox on here.
I’ve done this with my dad. He hasn’t changed, but his behaviour has. He’d love to continue walking all over me, but he knows I won’t have it from him any more.  So he’s had to adjust. He acts respectfully. He doesn’t bother now, with the histrionics.
 I had to stand up to him up to him, big time,  twice.  The pattern broke and I’m free.
Any further efforts from him were very weedy and were easily swatted. So he stopped.
And now ,the resentment I harboured from all of that vicious pressure, has faded, I  CAN deal with him - because he’s at arms length now and powerless. I even feel a bit fond of him every now and again.
They are disordered. They will never realise themselves how toxic they are being. We have to break the pattern. It even helps them, in the end.

Glad its working Nano......

All quiet with Dad at the moment. For now.... Its like a volcano waiting for the next eruption.....

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wisingup

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....
« Reply #29 on: May 26, 2021, 02:12:02 PM »
p123 - I am really relating to your experience right now.  You really want to do the right thing, be the good son, make people happy.  But being "nice" in this case means you get steam-rolledand taken advantage of.  For me, drawing a hard line with my mom means days of wrestling with myself, feeling like a B*****, wondering if I'm being mean and abusive. (I recognize this part is MY problem & I'm working on it). 

I'm trying to let people on the outside guide me, those who see what's happening but aren't as drawn in as I am.  My brother, my DH, a couple close friends, and the people here who have been through similar.   Trying to put less weight on those who insist I have to be drawn in - my mom, her doctors, her sister & extended family.

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p123

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....
« Reply #30 on: May 27, 2021, 01:37:36 PM »
p123 - I am really relating to your experience right now.  You really want to do the right thing, be the good son, make people happy.  But being "nice" in this case means you get steam-rolledand taken advantage of.  For me, drawing a hard line with my mom means days of wrestling with myself, feeling like a B*****, wondering if I'm being mean and abusive. (I recognize this part is MY problem & I'm working on it). 

I'm trying to let people on the outside guide me, those who see what's happening but aren't as drawn in as I am.  My brother, my DH, a couple close friends, and the people here who have been through similar.   Trying to put less weight on those who insist I have to be drawn in - my mom, her doctors, her sister & extended family.

Yeh did it for years. Neglected my own family because I thought he needed me. Almost got divorced because of it - I can never forgive him for that.

I always try to do right by someone. Dad taught me a valuable lesson....

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lkdrymom

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....
« Reply #31 on: May 30, 2021, 08:27:11 PM »
My question is....what is the difference between you coming after work for 2 hours or  2 hours on Sunday?  Why does it HAVE TO BE the weekend?  Because he knows it is more inconvenient on the weekend?

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p123

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Re: Am I being unfair? Being inflexible about weekends....
« Reply #32 on: June 02, 2021, 12:29:35 PM »
My question is....what is the difference between you coming after work for 2 hours or  2 hours on Sunday?  Why does it HAVE TO BE the weekend?  Because he knows it is more inconvenient on the weekend?

Well I think he knows that if I come at the weekend, I've had to put him before my kids. He likes that to know hes number 1.
In the evening if I tell him thats easier for me I've not made a huge sacrifice....