NC clarity

[SeaSalt]

Its been only few days of NC but the clarity I got in my mind and peace in my soul is immense.

I see now that VLC had the heaviness of not being truth to myself. It was weighting on me without me realizing it. I have this rule in my life that I should not take any decision based on fear anymore. I see that actually not going to NC was based on fear.

This fear I do not have it anymore. I do not worry anymore what my relatives may think or do about my NC, its not their business. I will not even go with them into discussion about it. I see it now clearer than ever: where were they when I was abused? what did they do when my uncle alerted everyone that my stepF was treating me as a girlfriend and not as a daughter? did they do anything? so what do they want now? they can mind they business now as well as they always did. Punto. No further discussion.

My brother, the only sibling I have, has always clearly shown that he will no matter what support nM and her lies and do anything she asks him to do even if it is treating me badly, calling me names etc. So we got each time more distant and arrived to the point where we do not talk about anything except some small talk. I am closer to my neighbors than to him. If he decides to cut completely, so it be. I see now clearly that I can not do anything about it. I accept it. He has N traits as well. He believes our nM lies and therefore he sees me as an enemy. There is nothing that can be done about it. I accept it.

I feel good now about one day going to my hometown for a visit. If I meet my FOO by accident, so it be. I will do whatever will feel right in that moment. No need to worry about it and trying to find solutions in advance. There is no way to predict how it will be and I will not waste anymore my energy on the situations that might not even happen and if they will happen I can not know now who will do what and how I am going to feel.

I believe in my skills now to be able to deal with anything that will come in the time when it comes. I let it go for now until the time comes and the situation occurs.

I am so grateful to my nM for sending those nasty texts with all her biggest lies together. I needed that to go NC without any doubts anymore. I needed also to have something recent and something concrete to read/see and remind myself if ever I get a doubt about my NC decision.

I am grateful also that my nM is the avoiding type. She will now give me silent treatment, last time it took her 2 years before trying to get in contact. So that's fantastic.

I feel so light right now. It was a long way. It took first several years of LC, than 2y of NC, than 4-5 years of VLC. Living very far away from my FOO for the last 20y played a huge role. I truly believe that if I lvied closer to them my healing would have never happened. It took a lot of therapy, lot of relaxation methods, lot of journaling, taking care of myself, discovering myself, lot of love from my FOC, this forume as well, to arrive to this point in my healing.

Thank you all. I hope this feeling of peace and clarity stays. It is what we all deserve. I wish you all a fantastic sunny day.




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[SeaSalt]

After all that clarity and up moment, now I got so down, feeling so much grief and sadness. And do not even know why. There was nothing new in my nM's texts...

[Boat Babe]

Clarity and peace can coexist with sadness and grief. And they will for a while as you progress through NC.  Lots of posts on here documenting just that.

I haven't read one post in which a person regrets going NC. The only regret is that they didn't do it sooner.

Be prepared for the ups and downs of the grief process, whilst retaining your clarity of purpose and your peace of mind. Vent here when it gets bad.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Totally stand by Boat Babe. It's gonna be hard. You're going to doubt yourself, you're going to grieve.

Then the sun will peek out from the clouds, you'll remember why you did this, it'll give you a sigh of relief.

If you keep constant it does get easier....I promise! I'm 9 months in and the beginning was terrible.

It does get better.

[moglow]

After all that clarity and up moment, now I got so down, feeling so much grief and sadness. And do not even know why. There was nothing new in my nM's texts...

Heard, sister. The grief and sadness are so real. I read your most recent post earlier and thought how right now I only see the flip side, how sad and lonely this is. It always has been but conscious and intentional NC shines a whole other light on it. Somehow i/we could ignore it and dance around it before. Now? Its a glaring spotlight I can't get away from.

Be prepared for the ups and downs of the grief process, whilst retaining your clarity of purpose and your peace of mind. Vent here when it gets bad.

Good to read this today, all of your words here.

[SeaSalt]

Thank you so much @moglow, @DistanceNoDefense and @Boat Babe, you all helped me so much yesterday. i forgot what a roller-coast is NC. I understood yesterday that my inner child must have had hope that my mother changed when she was writing those nice msg last year or 2. Me as an adult I know that m nM can not change and will never change but my inner child must have gotten some hope and now my inner child got another rejection, another abandonment. I need to work on healing my inner child and giving her attention and love she needs. I noticed that these days I miss my own child so much. Usually I am happy when he is in school, but these days I am counting minutes for him to come back. I need more love and support than usually, especially child-parent love. If that makes any sense.

I understood that there are so many layers in us all. And often I notice only the superficial layer or mine, the one that looks fine. Its very new for me to realize that in the last 2 years it was heavy for me to read those sugar coated msgs and remind myself each time that its not true. It was hurting me but i was completely unaware of it.
I would like to learn to observe deeper layers. How can I do that? meditation? its something I never manage but maybe its the answer. did any of you try meditation? did it help?
Thank you again for existing and taking your time to help me.

[lightworld]

Yes the grief and doubting yourself are terrible. Sometimes you feel like you have it, the freedom you dreamed of, the certainty that you are doing the right thing, the clarity to see how bad the relationship was for you. Then the next day the doubt and excruciating heartbreak is back.

I've read many posts on here from people who have made it through the grief and that can go e us hope. You are doing what is best for you but it's never easy. I have found Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy helps. See John Kabat-Zinn and John Teasdale. It's to do with not trying to suppress feelings but to focus very gently and without judgement on the exact location of the feeling. It sounds a bit woo woo but it has helped me.

[zak]

I always say that NC is not a silver bullet, but it does buy you a whole lot of peace. I've been NC almost six years now and have not regretted it for one minute. That's not to say that there have not been many moments of grief that even now can grab me at unexpected moments. The peace is worth it though, so totally worth it ! After I went NC my uNPDM has never tried to contact me again...ever.

One of the aspects of NC that I hadn't expected was the clarity and perspective that I couldn't get when still enmeshed and triggered by my uNPDM. I grew so much as a person away from all that constant chaos and drama and abuse.

Go gently and best of luck as you enter this new stage of being.