vent/rant/what to say?

[engineer31]

So, my MIL messaged my DH about 2 weeks ago saying that she wanted to talk to him because she had a lot of things weighing on her heart since her last convo with me *eyeroll*. DH ignored it. A day later she "unsent" it from FB messenger. Then a few days ago she sent him a message that she loved him and to give our kids a hug and kiss *more eyerolls*. Last night she decided to message him that her and FIL were exposed to covid and she's been sick for a week and that FIL has a fever and she can't get over her cough. Now my DH is worried (right before he takes finals) and I'm irritated bc why wouldn't she have told him a week ago when she actually started feeling sick and the friend that exposed them went to the hospital?? Why now? The only thing i can think is that she's trying to manipulate her way back into our lives. I honestly have no sympathy for them because they were talking like it was a conspiracy, hated the masks, never wanted to wear them, didn't want the vaccine. I'm sorry, that's what you chose, and while I respect everyone can have their own opinion, there are risks. Now my DH is saying he needs to stay busy to keep his mind off of how worried he is and I can't find the right words to comfort him. After everything they've done, I understand they are still his parents and I understand why he's worried, I just don't know what to say to him. Any advice?

[Cat of the Canals]

Maybe you don't need to say anything but can instead be present and let him know you are there if he wants to talk/vent/etc.

I think it can be tempting to try to "solve the problem," but sometimes it's not a problem that can be fixed: it simply is, and the real challenge is finding out how to deal with it. That sounds like the case here. There's not really anything to do other than worry/hope for the best.

[Leonor]

Oh engineer, I soooo get this. Your mil sounds just like mine!

I actually would not be surprised if the ILs (both yours and mine) purposely left themselves exposed to the virus. It's drama-rama: Look at me, I'm not wearing a mask! Listen to me, I'm going to say something controversial about vaccines! And if they do get infected, they don't have the foresight to think they actually really may become seriously ill or even die ... They can only relish the thought of ALL THAT ATTENTION.

And if course dh is worried, because he is a kind and loving human being.

How to help? When he expresses concern or anxiety, acknowledge the reality of his normal response to a frightening idea "It's scary, and I know you're worried," but also the reality "if they become sick, there will be wonderful doctors and nurses there to take care of them" and the present moment, "right now, they're okay and you have a lot on your plate."

I'd avoid venting or arguing with him about how irresponsible and narcissistic his parents are because he won't be able to hear you. But do come here or find a good t or journal or go for loooong walks to vent, because that's healthy and kind and normal for you, too.

[engineer31]

Thank you both so much for the replies.

Leonor, I love all of those responses.

I'm glad I found this forum to know I am not alone.

[engineer31]

And here come the flying monkeys. We just received a group text from MIL's best friend (DH calls "aunt" because they've been friends his entire life) saying that she knows we're not talking to them right now but basically if anything were to happen and we didn't try to make amends or just "drop it" that we would regret it. As of yesterday his M is on an inhaler and his D has a fever. I just want to scream. I wish it would all stop. The flying monkeys, the victim mentality from them, just everything. We were good for 6 MONTHS, with NC. and now we can't get away.

[bloomie]

And here come the flying monkeys. We just received a group text from MIL's best friend (DH calls "aunt" because they've been friends his entire life) saying that she knows we're not talking to them right now but basically if anything were to happen and we didn't try to make amends or just "drop it" that we would regret it. As of yesterday his M is on an inhaler and his D has a fever. I just want to scream. I wish it would all stop. The flying monkeys, the victim mentality from them, just everything. We were good for 6 MONTHS, with NC. and now we can't get away.

engineer31 - it is a big hurdle to get to the place where we know our choices are honorable and respectful of others and ourselves - to have other friends and family members disagree strongly with those choices and use fear, obligation, and guilt to try and get us back in line with their paradigm for our relationship choices and not be thrown by this.

During the now almost 2 decades of weddings and funerals only contact with a high conflict, drama bound, divisive in law they have had serious illness and other very difficult things happen in their life. Legit things. We have shown support and kindness around those issues in line with the distance between us. So, out of character for us, that support has been more superficial than we would ever usually offer a close intimate family member. And that just feels yucky sometimes.

Here's the thing... we never pursued the distance that has become a kind of stand off between us. We pursued honest and loving attempts to work through the issues at hand and find a place of reasonable trustworthiness between us, so that we could be a more present source of help and support during the very difficult times that WE ALL experience over a life time.

What we did do was establish standards and boundaries about what does/does not work for us in close intimate familial relationships. Something families do every single day across the world as part of healthy living with each other.

In response to our lived out boundaries there has been high drama and histrionics and the insistence has always been... that this person, who is the most cunning pot stirrer I have ever encountered, that they like themselves and are not going to change or meet to talk things through or adjust their behaviors for anyone. 

People on the outside looking in... even this person's adult children, but other extended family and friends as well, people important to us, have no clue because the narrative has been long controlled by this person and we have stayed quiet and done our best to be discreet.

What's my point? Simply, that sadly, for you and for me, this not living out our true nature in times of stress and distress for family members is really disruptive to our inner peace already and then in comes a FM!

What we have learned to do is weigh if/how/when to respond. Sometimes it is a time to respond and offer a bit of wisely worded context of your decision and then firmly end the discussion about the issues. Sometimes it is a time to not respond. Sometimes it is time to wait and see.

You CAN get 'away' from allowing this to disrupt your peace of mind and drive your choices. People get sick. People use inhalers. You have gained ground and are still good! You are growing and learning and gaining support and you will find the best path forward with all of this. This is part of your and your DH's good work to continue to establish a firm foundation and methods of responding to this kind of thing from anyone, but in specific your in laws and FMs.

Breathe! You've got this!

[Starboard Song]

Bloomie is a genius. She sunk that nail deep.

But I write to add this: try not to let the FMs get to you, and neither to let this interfere with more relationships. They don't understand. Most people don't. So while you shouldn't explain yourself, or accomodate them, try also not to villify flying monkeys unless they too prove unwilling to respect your boundaries. You needn't explain yourself to them. A little "Thank you so much for your concern," with a dollop of "we take their health and our relationship very seriously, as I am sure you know," and a heap of "we will do our best, and appreciate your respect as we work through this personal matter." We've found that every FM took well to such treatment, but we had to abide by our own boundaries first by (1) responding with kindness, and (2) making that request for respectful distance. It took a couple tries, once, as we firmed up the request part. But we've not lost a single collateral relationship despite almost six years of NC with my in-laws.

Best of luck to you. This is terribly hard.

[Leonor]

Responding to the FM is a JADE.

It's so tempting to JADE the flying monkey! After all, they are not the high conflict person in your life. They aren't as far as we know personality disordered. Of course, if they are getting involved in some kind of very intimate family conflict, they are probably high conflict too -- they're just covert. I mean, none o' yer dang biznez, lady!

But the real problem isn't the FM. It's us. What are we really thinking?

Maybe they'll "get it"! Maybe they'll see that the other person is the *real* problem! Maybe they'll see I'm *not* crazy!

Okay, see how by responding to the FM,  *you* make him/ her your own FM? To continue the argument? To justify yourself? To defend yourself? To explain yourself? And then boomerang him or her right back to the high conflict person? Because, let's face it, the secret hope is that the FM goes back to the high conflict person and gets him or her to change.

In other words, now they're *your* flying monkey!

Stop. Breathe. Grey rock. "Hmmm. So, how about this weather?"

[engineer31]

All great advice on the FM's. Thank you! I ended up just responding with a simple, we are aware and thanks for the advice. I am feeling a lot better today.

[Starboard Song]

Well done, you!

[bloomie]

Nicely handled!