Moving on from covert narcissist abuse

[CreativeCat]

Hi all,

I've recently joined this forum. I've just realised, in full clarity, that I've been in a relationship with a covert narcissist for the past 10 years. We've basically been going around the same abusive pattern constantly. He mis- interprets something I've said/done as critical and acts angrily towards me, the full blame for his feelings is shifted on me and I try to defend myself or I get angry, further confirming how critical and horrible I am. It has completely warped my reality and has damaged my self worth.

At first I dealt with it all by getting really angry, screaming and shouting, feeling shame and taking all the blame. I went to counselling for my 'problem' which I assumed must have been because of the abuse I had experienced in childhood, which I thought I must be transferring on  to him. I believed I was seeing mean behaviours from him where there weren't any, that I was making it up in my head, and that I was totally mental.

I then learned to (mostly) control my behaviours (which I now know was reactive abuse) and (kind of) assert boundaries. But I kept trying to explain and explain why he was in the wrong and that he was perceiving criticism where there wasn't any (again this just made me look critical and confirmed him as the victim).

Throughout our whole relationship he has acted like a victim to my 'terrible' and 'critical' ways, while criticising me quite a lot. During the summer he was getting angry with me for something 3 or 4 times a day, while I was reading self help book after self help book trying to be a better person, trying to not sound 'so critical' and treading on eggshells. I completely snapped. I told him that I didn't deserve to be treated this way and that I would leave if he didn't sort himself out.

He went to a therapist and he has improved but the same pattern continued, just less frequently - he still acted like a victim in response to perceived criticism. This week I told him that I just can't be around him while he works in this because I just can not tolerate one single more accusation. I have had such a powerful awakening that I just can't be with someone who treats me this way. 

Now I've put in this clear boundary and reached my limit, he responded to this with his own moment of clarity and wrote me a letter taking full responsibility and apologising for all the abuse he has put me through, as well as how he is going to do to put things right. He told me that his perspective has completely shifted.  I do believe he is being genuine and he didn't ever purposefully inflict such harm on me. He just could t see beyond his own world and skewed reality.  But I'm still wary that things can dramatically change,. I wonder whether it's too late and whether I can forgive him for everything that has happened.

So if you've got this far... I was just wondering if anyone has reached a similar point in their relationship and whether they've managed to move on? Or if anyone has any objective advice?

We have a lovely 3 year old boy so I'm committed to working on the marriage (as long as it remains non-abusive). I just don't know if I have any compassion or energy left :-(

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[escapingman]

Hi CreativeCat,

What you are describing there is almost identical to my situation with my wife. We have been together for 15+ years and I have had my light bulb moment(s), she is most likely a covert NPD. She critizing me constantly and as soon as I respond she becomes the victim and twist it all around. I am at the end of how much more I can take and unless she can change and that quick I will have to leave myself. The tricky bit is that we have children together that she doesn't hesitate involving in triangulation making me the bad one. I have left a few times and every time she has been begging for me to come home and promised to change, but as soon as I am home it only takes a week or 2 and we are back at square one.

I hope it will work out for you, but don't stay for the kids sake, I have done that so far but if I had another chance I would have left years ago.

[losingmyself]

Hi, creative cat. Although I have never received any sort of apology or recognition of wrongs done by my H, I understand where you are.
There's never any amount of yelling,  arguing,  pleading, explaining,  that will make them change their minds when they've decided on a 'fact'. So, you can put those ideas to bed.
If I were to get an acknowledgement letter like you got, I would take it with a grain of salt. They know EXACTLY what to say to keep you around.  It's love bombing. 
Read and study and implement the toolbox, it has been a life saver for me and many on here.  My experience is that when I set up boundaries,  such as, I'm not going to stay in the same room with someone who is being mean to me, and a huge amount of grey rock, and mc, things have gotten better.
I however know that I can't go to him for emotional support,  or say anything that might be taken as a criticism.  I just don't.  Which means we don't talk a lot. But we do work pretty well together around the house and it's not always bad. But the digs and accusations and criticisms are always there. I've just learned to ignore them.
I guess my short answer (too late!) is learn more, and learn how to, or how not to react.
Good luck to you, and keep coming back here.

[notrightinthehead]

Creativecat, a letter might show some insight, it is no indication for change. Change is a long term thing. If his 'good' behaviour continues for a year you might say that he has changed. For now, he only shows you 1) that he knows what he is doing. 2) that he can control it.

You are very right to remain wary.  If you are dealing with a PD, my prediction is , the moment you let down your guard and loosen your boundaries the behaviour slips back in.  Sometimes we have to do many such cycles before we understand that.  So prepare yourself for a life with strict boundaries and constant vigilance and learn to use the tools from the toolbox. 

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi Creativecat, I am in a similar position and I have recently left my marriage. I have 2 kids of similar age to your son. My ex has been diagnosed with bpd and NPD. He would interpret something as criticism, then give me the silent treatment for days at a time. Not much shouting, but very negative body language, berating me constantly and making me feel like crap. I couldn't take it any more.

He sent numerous emails and texts over the years, apologising and promising to change. But then he would fall back into the same patterns all over again.

A helpful book is 'Stop Caretaking the borderline or narcissist.' I have been reading this, and it is helping me learn how to respond (or not respond) to pd accusations.

Gaslighting is hard to deal with, and it really does feel as if you are losing your mind. I found some good videos on Med Circle - Dr Ramini has lots of great advice on dealing with narcissistic abuse, so that might be a good starting point for you.

Take care

[bat123]

     Hi, CreativeCat.  I can very much relate to where you are at.  My uNPD spouse and I have been on the same merry-go-round for 25 years.  Our fights almost always start with an accusation that I've wronged him.  Often it's just a simple misunderstanding, like I might forget to do something, but he twists and spins it so that he thinks I actually lied to him or tried to deceive him.  He frequently sees "intent" where there was none at all. 
     We've been in couples therapy on and off for years.  With the most recent therapist  (who he really liked and he seemed to see as a mother figure) we made some short-lived progress.  We went for almost two months with no major episodes, and I naively thought things had been "fixed."  But then one day he got angry and accusatory over something (honestly can't even remember what) and now we've regressed into the same old pattern.  Angry blowups, character assassination, and silent treatments every week or two.  I think the therapy temporarily helped because he really respected our therapist and I think he wanted to see himself as a good patient who could follow her advice.  But I see now that he never really internalized anything she said to us.  I don't think NPDs can really change unless they could somehow commit to deep internal work, which isn't their style.  Their behaviors are baked into their personalities.
      I highly recommend Dr. Raman'i's YouTube videos if you don't already follow her.  She explains it really well.  These folks are not going to change.  We can learn strategies for coping, and for trying to minimize the damage.  But it will always take lots of work, and the relationship will never really be satisfying.  It's a hard truth to accept, isn't it?  I'm on the verge of leaving the marriage after 25 years, but it's scary to consider such a drastic step.  We still have one child at home.  I've put all my cards on the table, told him that he's abusive and that I want to leave.  But I think he knows I may never be brave enough to pull the trigger.  In the meantime we are limping along.  There are still some moments where things feel okay, but now that I've put my truth out there I feel like it's just a matter of time.