New and concerned about my kids

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cjmama

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New and concerned about my kids
« on: May 02, 2021, 01:09:40 PM »
Hello. I'm new to this forum and have little experience with any forums. I was in a nine-year relationship with a PD. When we met I was a single mother of three young kids ranging from 11 to two years old. I had been widowed a year prior to meeting him. I mistakenly believed his personality and methods in our relationship and in parenting were due to a difficult family dynamic of his own, his military training, and inexperience with kids. I believed I needed his "firm hand" to help me ensure my kids stayed on track. I feel rather stupid, naive, irresponsible, guilty, etc. for exposing my kids to him for so long, but I'm working through that in therapy. The good news is that we never married, he never adopted any of my kids, and he moved to another state after we broke up a year ago. The bad news is that he is the only father my youngest child (an 11-year old girl) knows. She is his favorite. He has cut off my 16 year old daughter because she won't put up with his behavior, but he still tries to emotionally manipulate my 19-year old son who sometimes still yearns for his approval. I'm learning about boundaries and how to communicate with a PD (the least amount that is absolutely necessary and without emotion). I am still working through what sort of relationship with him is in the best interest of my daughter. It is absolutely brutal to watch a child I love so much go through this. I thought this forum might be a good way to augment my therapy and reading to hear first-hand experiences and insights. I thank you in advance for sharing with me.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: New and concerned about my kids
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2021, 06:03:12 PM »
Warm welcome and Iím glad you chose the safety of yourself and your young ones and to protect all of you. Thereís a sub forum on separating and divorcing that might help. Yours is a unique circumstance in that thereís technically no ties at all and itís completely your choice to take the risk. Generally speaking itís only a matter of time before his behavior turns on your youngest.

From a personal standpoint I can say being the favorite of a PD person comes with its own price to pay. What I learned was not love but that compliance wins affection. Conditional favor which felt like love. Making my own choices earned me disfavor. It was a gilded cage, made of gold but still a cage. Eventually I was so suffocated and it crushed my soul. I had to choose between losing what felt like love and living my own life. If I donít comply they cut me off.

Wishing you a healing journey and maybe stop by the Dealing with PD Parents board to see what grown adults experience having had a PD parent.
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
∑ Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
∑ It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
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