My husband(possibly npd)passed away. Dealing with ghat and his possibly NPD dau

[livinginmyhead]

This man had so many npd traits.  He was awful to us and ruined just about every trip, special occasion or holiday with raging.  He was the type who had the neighbors, coworkers and anyone else outside the home totally snowed and fooled.

There was a time five years ago when I got very ill for no apparent reason.  It was almost like I'd been slowly poisoned.  I went to urgent care thinking I had some weird flu.  They couldn't figure it out but even my relatives were really weirded out by this and had discussed it at length.  I did finally get better by not eating things he gave me and getting rid of or not consuming things I suspected had been tampered with.  When I got well enough to drive across town and see my mother for the first time in a couple of months he had a rage attack.  It all fit the poisoning scenario but I wrote it off as my throid problem because that's just crazy.

I have suspected that over the years he has told people he works  with, neighbors, anybody he can awful things about me so I can't try and get any help with his abuse problem or to just discredit me in general.  I used to call a domestic violence hotline just to document and daughter and I were in therapy for a while.  He said really awful things about his XW and I am suspecting she fought every bit as hard as I did to rise above his crap but wound up throwing her hands up and leaving.  I have seen, in sorting through all the stuff in our home, police reports and other correspondence documenting his domestic violence/abuse problem while married to her.

He has still managed to get his XW and his daughter to fully back him up and they have on occasion gone along with him and helped him discredit and abuse me.  I have been fighting this for over twenty years and I am exhausted.  Utterly spent.  Too wrung out and wrecked to save myself.

He had battled cancer twice and in spite of everything I looked after him the best I could.  I couldn't change him so I worked on me and yes, I have my issues too.  I can be clingy needy jealous and paranoid.  After dealing with him the paranoia was kind of off the charts.  I tried hard to be a better person and more present for my children.  I dropped the rope and just detached.  Medium chill and grey rock helped a lot.

Then I got cancer.  At one point we were both in the hospital at the same time.  I believe due to his ailing health he kind of cut me some slack for a while and counted on me to take him to medical appts and help him get around the house and take care of what he no longer could.  I was very kind to him up until the day I went into the hospital even though I was in a great deal of pain.  Before I had surgery I was on pain killer 24/7 and was actually having to keep track so I wouldn't OD.

The surgery I went through was lengthy-10 hours- and very invasive.  I had to learn how to talk, eat and walk again.  I was extremely weak and couldn't even feed myself.  I was tube fed for a while and had to take all my meds and painkiller through my tube.  For a time I couldn't even manage that myself.

I knew going into this surgery that I was going to have to go through this.  I remembered that time five or six years prior that I got really sick for no reason and it terrified me.  I was afraid to come home from the hospital and be at his mercy or his daughter's mercy as she would be having to come around more due to his illness and mine because I would not be able to look after him.  I panicked and told the social worker at my hospital all this.  My kids are the only people I know who really know what my husband and his people are like because they live here.  They advised me to do this just in case. 

A few days before I was due to come home from the hospital my husband went into the hospital.  I was unable to speak or get around to see to things or visit him so husband and I decided to leave that to his daughter which was the only practical decision we could have made.  The hospital only allowed one visitor.  I believe his daughter found out about the social worker and began the mother of all flying monkey/smear campaigns or maybe she was just angling to completely take over everything as there was a time when we thought neither one of us would make it out of the hospital alive and he showed her how to get to all the accounts just in case. (I have since taken measures to prevent any tampering or intrusion)

There were some things he asked me to pick up from his work if he passed away.  He must have asked her too.  He always loved to have everyone at each other's throats or fighting over him.  The HR guy at his work gave me contact information to arrange things but it was no good so I called a co worker of his that he claimed he hated because that was the only person I could think of to call.  Apparently the daughter got there before me.  He was hostile and assured me several times  that he would keep everything safe for the daughter.

Let's go back to when my husband went into the hospital, shall we?  She filmed him being wheeled into the ambulance.  Filmed him.  When he was in the hospital on his deathbed she sent out pictures of him but she put the facebook and instagram filters on him that turn him into a dog or dragon or a leprachaun.  My kids and I were furious in spite of how awful he was over the years.  I was horrified.  She was making a spectacle out of this man as he lay dying in the hospital. Making moves on the male nurse who is caring for him. But at the same time she is also the only person who will come and visit long suffering eligible for sainthood and the star of her own social media reality show.  Facebook updates that didn't mention anyone except her and her dad not that any of us wanted to be mentioned but my husband had a brother who was hurting too.

That's the tip of the iceberg.  I am having to make final arrangements, sort out all the crap in the house in case I have no money and have to move.  My chemo and radiation haven't even started yet and I'm having to deal with all this and his narcissistic kid trying to call all of the shots and get her foot in here to cause grief and chaos and pick up where dad left off.    I haven't even scratched the surface on everything these people have done.

I am so tired.

My kids have been helping, my son offered to be a go between so I don't have to deal with any more of his people.  I let them go to the mortuary with me but they are wanting to do all kinds of extra and the daughter is probably planning to use the service to plan a final epic snubbing of me. The kids and I want absolutely no part of this.  Knowing how I have likely been smeared into the ground I have no interest in attending anything like this.

He has already been cremated and his ashes are sitting on a shelf. We had put aside some things for his daughter and brother.  My kids are completely disgusted and told me I should just dump it all and I don't owe anybody anything.

On one hand I want to see about putting him in the niche like he wanted but on the other hand I am flat out done.  Originally, he said no service, no obituary and scatter the ashes then he changed his mind so we could have a place to remember him at.  I am willing to place him somewhere but I really don't want to aid and abet his daughter any further in her virtue signalling social media show or pay for my own snubbing at the service.

She kind of crapped on our family at her wedding.  I saw this coming and refused to go and was never forgiven for it.  I am supposed to eat my shit sandwich and happily ask for more.  Her and her dad were estranged for several years over several things.  Mostly not caving into her every desire.

I am probably not going to do the niche and service and all anymore.  Maybe I'll just do the niche.  Maybe I'll just hand him over to everyone else and wash my hands of the whole mess.  What have I got to lose?  The well has been poisoned why try and drink the water? 

She is now unemployed and has even more time to make trouble, smear and go to lawyers.  We have no estate, no valuables and I was beneficiary on all the accounts.

I just want to get my cancer treatment and be done with it all.

[Starboard Song]

So much strength to you, and best wishes for a good recovery.

Keep processing: it is time to get a clean start for yourself.

[livinginmyhead]

Is this normal?  Sometimes I'm relieved that I don't have to deal with him anymore.  Other times I see the little empty spots where his stuff was, very old family photos that should really go to his daughter or brother, some collectibles not really worth much but his daughter or brother might like to have all that stuff and I just start losing it and crying and feeling so sad. (I have been packing things away for his friends and relatives)

We never got to have the marriage we were supposed to because everyone-including myself-had major baggage.  I was hoping so much to have a great marriage but he held onto everything from the past and there was no room for me.  I don't know why he even married me or held onto me so hard because he was just so angry all the time.  It's like he wanted to be married but had the wrong wife and I suppose that's what his deal was.  He was never completely in the marriage with me but he wouldn't let me go.

I have so much anger at being displaced by his daughter(yes, his daughter)and his XW.  I never had my rightful place as wife it was always given to them by him.  I am going through all the stuff in the house and having to deal with who gets what and it's bringing back so many memories and people just want to drag everything out.

My son is acting as a go between because I'm probably going to have a heart attack or stroke out from everything I already have to deal with.  His daughter wants all kinds of pictures of me and the kids for a slideshow for a big zoom memorial thing.  I want to move on.  I don't want all the drama and having to give out pictures and trying to get them back.  I don't want to be involved in this with all the people from his past and everybody from his work that heard god knows what from him and his daughter.  There are loose ends to wrap up and we are getting different stories and bullshit from his daughter, friends and coworkers so it never ends.

I thought I had come to terms with him being abusive to me all those years and abusing by proxy and ambiance.

But now that I don't have to walk on eggshells every second it's all coming out all the memories and the pain and heartache of being married to him. 

And even though he's dead his abusive manipulative legacy continues.  I have so much anger and bitterness boiling over.

Why is it coming back now?  I was just fine until I got out of the hospital.  I was actually looking forward to going to the hospital so I didn't have to deal with it all for a while. 

What's wrong with me?  Why am I like this?  Why can't I just suck it up and get on with everything I have to do without getting hysterical like I did before?  I really need to get this house cleaned out in case my daughter and I have to move.  My daughter wants to move away.  I want to move away.  We are weighed down by all of this stuff in our house that for the most part had absolutely nothing to do with our lives.

I know this sounds awful but we want this to be over so we can move on.  I tried to love him and at one time I did.
Near the end I did look after him and I didn't mind as long as he didn't snap at me.  We were civil and kind to each other for the most part until he started going downhill and he went quick and we all did what we could but all he did was snap at me and I tried so hard to do everything I could for him.  He hadn't raged for a good long while but really the only reason why is probably due to his failing health.

Sometimes it hurts sometimes I'm glad I don't have to deal with his rage and living in the past anymore.  I'm a mess and I'm driving everyone crazy even my kids who were here with me and saw the whole thing and know how things really were.

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.  Everyone goes on and on about how wonderful he was but they didn't have to live with him.  Even the HR guy from his work said he was a company man through and through but all he ever did was complain about his job. He was extremely high functioning but he raged at a few people there and he's lucky he didn't get fired.  He c!aimed he gave his boss a case of Bell's Palsy and laughed about it.

Everyone out in the world seems phony or patronizing or predatory.  I just want to curl up in a little ball and wake up from this nightmare.

I am really questioning my sanity here.  I just don't know.  I am probably going to have to post a bunch just to try and unload before the stress and grief kill me.  I was doing so much better zombified on painkiller...

[notrightinthehead]

Be patient with yourself.  Sounds like you are in the shock state of the grieving process.  Feelings all over the place. Crying, rage, joy, fear the whole lot of them all over you.
If you can at all, try to think as little as possible about what others are thinking, feeling saying.  Every time you are exposed to what others are saying, just refocus on your own experiences and let that go.  Very few people will say anything bad about a person who has passed.  Whatever their experiences and memories, nothing to do with you.  You are embarking on your own grieving process, it is a painful journey, there is so much to grieve about - the loss of all your hopes and dreams, the regrets, the wrong decisions. Be patient, be kind with yourself. 

[1footouttadefog]

Take time to rest a bit.  Step back and decide how much you want to participate.  Co soder what you will feel later when you are not so tired and freshly bereaved.

Make a plan based on you in a time of strength without his family bearing down on you.  Imagine it then plan it and take no BS from anyone.

Once this chore is over, you can be rid of his people. 

Mt spouse has of late become cranky about the idea of a public funeral or memorial.  Suits me.  The only reason I would need one is for his relatives.  My family and friends can do our own thing in a private gathering. 

I was caretaker for an elderly friend who loved with us his final years.  He had prepaid and preplanned his funeral. In the end his family (in laws) messed up his plans and the prepaid thing ended not covering the  hangers and I had to pay for a niche out of his estate funds.

Funeral stuff is so messy at times.  I hope you can get past those very large life challenges and to a healthy life soon.

Take care of you and be kind to yourself as you grieve and process mixed emotions.  We all understand.  I hope you find rapid and holistic  healing.

[livinginmyhead]

Thank you for your responses.  It's so comforting to interact with people who really understand what goes on with people like that. It's so lonely when nobody believes you or tries to tell you it didn't happen like that.  It feels like they are taking the abusive person's side or like they are abusing you too.

Not everyone is gaslighting.  I think some people just have never seen anything in their lives like what some of us on this forum have been through.  (Can't be true.  Who would do something like that?)

Thank you so much for understanding.

[livinginmyhead]

Here I go I'm all over the place.

Had to get a medical procedure done today.  Last time my husband took me anywhere it was to get another medical procedure in the same place.  I still have the texts we sent each other that day.  We still had some okay days but the bad ones were so traumatizing.

Anyway, I remember we texted about coffee.  I got regular for me and decaff for him because he had heart issues.

As soon as I walked down the hallway I smelled the coffee and remembered that and I started crying on the spot.

I wished I could have been buying him some coffee again.  I think he might have tried to make up for all the meanness.  As I said before we seemed to have come to some kind of understanding and were at least somewhat kind and civil to each other. It makes me so sad all the time he wasted before.  We could have had everything.

[Starboard Song]

 

[livinginmyhead]

Thanks.

[1footouttadefog]

I am living In "We could have had everything" .

We have enough money to live comfortably. Our kids are great and are both in college.  We have expendable income that would support a hobby or two if he had anything that interested him.

He has no drive, no concept of future, no goals, nothing.

We used to work well together and get a lot done in the past. Now it's just him occupying space, taking up resources and consuming time.

He is not happy and I cannot figuratively  make him drink even when I take him to the river.

I am leaning how to live for me so he does not use my life up with nothingness also.

[livinginmyhead]

My husband didn't really have any hobbies toward the end.  He used to like hunting and fishing but in his later years he was not able to do those things anymore.  He was so obsessed with his job I don't know what would have become of him if he no longer worked.  He was extremely good at his job but complained about it incessantly. 

Aside from that all he did was social media.  Even if he wanted to do something his health was so bad that he couldn't really. The social media became very irritating.  He could never just live in the moment he was always plugged in and engaged with others even on family outings so daughter and I quit doing them and he didn't really seem to notice.

I tried to just stay busy around here seeing to him, cooking, cleaning, canning, gardening and fixing whatever broke.  It was enough for me when he finally stopped having fits of rage.  But we still had major anxiety and could never completely relax unless he was out of the house.  Even if he was just having a normal day we all had that feeling in the pit of our bellies waiting for the other shoe to drop and the air just thick with tension and negative energy.

Whenever we did a major project together we worked well together and seemed to get closer.  But if I started to act like a normal wife would-the closeness and playful banter camraderie deal-he would quickly erupt or pick a fight.

It was so hard to finally slam up the boundaries.  One day I moved all of my things to the guest room.  It hurt so much to have to do that.  But I started living for me.  All my hobbies were usually something that could benefit all of us and blended in with the homemaker/prepper mindset.  I spent many hours reading and watching tutorials and sewing and trying to make up to my daughter the time we lost to his raging and teach her these things too.

A long time ago when the kids were little they didn't really understand what was going on and used to beg me not to make him mad.  Back when I had hope that things might improve I used to take the blame for everything.  If things got better, I certainly didn't want to alienate them.

But when they became teenagers, they opened up their eyes and began to see that it wasn't all my fault.  When they saw on their own only then did we discuss the reality of our lives.  I didn't keep him hid anymore and my kids would have hated me if I denied what they were seeing and hearing.  For a number of years we tiptoed around him while he unloaded-mostly on me-yet still managed to fool everyone else.

Sometimes I feel so ripped off and I know the kids do too.  It could have been a whole lot worse and I'm very thankful it wasn't.

I will give him major credit for being a good provider though.  Maybe that was the only way the man was capable of showing real love, I don't know.

I hate that after 20 years of gaslighting and all I have become angry bitter and paranoid, unable to trust anyone and constantly my bullshit meter runs I can't simply interact with people without looking for the trap, the lie, the hidden agenda or whatevef.

Years of therapy probably wouldn't even make a dent in the pile of luggage I've accumulated.

[1footouttadefog]

My bs meter and red flag meters are always going.

I have come to learn (remember?) that people in general BS.  I just adjust the relationship accordingly.  They are not all pds.  Some are just "socially fictional".  I see it as bar talk without the bar.  As long as it's not being done to weasel their way into something or to try to get something out of me I can overlook a degree of bs or exaggeration.

Because I have learned not to jump into other people's situations, there is so much less at stake.  Ie,my new post fog approach leaves me less vulnerable and less anxious.

[livinginmyhead]

When I say BS meter I am talking about always watching out for veiled threats, passive aggressive remarks and hidden agendas.  Exaggeration can easily be written off and is not worth the effort.

[1footouttadefog]

I get it. I meant that normal non pds will engage in pd typical behavior at times.

I am retrain myself not to see all signs of pd behaviors as a pd person.  Instead I am attempting to simply adjust how vulnerable I allow myself to be in any relationship.

Of course there are some deal breaker red flags, where as other things are a matter of degree.

We all get to decide what the deal breakers are and what the degrees of what we will tolerate are for other things.

I think this was trained out of a lot of nons who become PD victims and this training imout is what made is vulnerable and targets.

I see that my parents had a large amount of fleas.  My oldest brother was likely a narsissist, my older than me but younger brother of the family basically dealt by disengaging from every one at an early age. 

[livinginmyhead]

I guess normal nons might learn how to manipulate from pds in the family as a means of survival.