Help! Does this make sense?

[livinginmyhead]

My husband passed away and he had many narc traits and so do some of his people.

If I don't have to deal with his people I'm just fine.

But the minute I get so much as a text from any of them I feel like I did when my husband was doing all the usual npd type stuff. 

I feel like they are picking up where he left off.  As soon as I start to settle down one of us-the kids and I-will hear from one of them.  We feel like it's a strategy...

I start to remember everything that happened and I get really angry.  None of us trust his people as far as we can throw them so we're always wondering what is the deal.  We don't believe they are sincere in their efforts to establish contact.  When my husband was alive they only dealt with him.  They never really considered me to be family so why all this pretense now?

It's making me nuts.

[livinginmyhead]

Just wanted to add-I really want to eventually cut ties or be extremely limited contact.  I do not feel close enough to be texting with them regularly. 

I feel like me and the kids would be much happier and we are if we don't hear from them.

But then I second guess myself about putting up boundaries. I know it's some kind of codependent trauma bond programming thing but I can't get around it and stop feeling anxiety over all of the boundaries I've had to put up already.

[Andeza]

Trust your gut instinct. It's probably right. If it doesn't feel safe, then it isn't. Now is supposed to be a time of healing for you and your kids, to recover from the narcissistic abuse you've endured. It's not time to swap one NPD for another, that's for darn sure.

It's fine to block them for a month at a time or more and check when you feel like it.

[square]

If they didn't contact you before, now is the time to get them used to how "swiftly" you answer.

With my MIL, I don't pick up the phone. I return her call the next day. Texts are replied to similarly. If ever she mentioned it, "I didn't see the text come in," "I didn't hear it ring," "had it on silent at the doc's office and forgot to turn it back on," etc.

You might lay harder boundaries than that, but in the meantime, don't train them that you jump when they call.

[1footouttadefog]

Nosy, bored, entitled.

You are likely objectified as your H's property.  Now that he is gone they are entitled to seek supply.

Additionally be ready, they may be keeping in touch because they want something.  Perhaps your Hs belongings or items they gave him. 

[livinginmyhead]

I don't understand why I get so wound up when I hear from them. Why does it make me so angry?

[notrightinthehead]

difficult to know.
The way I handle it when I have such intense feelings - I give myself some quiet time and try to experience these feelings consciously with attention. Images, words, memories come up. Sometimes I understand my response better. Sometimes I don't.  I try to accept that when I think of X my blood boils just like when I trink fruit tea I experience heart burn...

[Boat Babe]

If they didn't contact you before, now is the time to get them used to how "swiftly" you answer.

With my MIL, I don't pick up the phone. I return her call the next day. Texts are replied to similarly. If ever she mentioned it, "I didn't see the text come in," "I didn't hear it ring," "had it on silent at the doc's office and forgot to turn it back on," etc.

You might lay harder boundaries than that, but in the meantime, don't train them that you jump when they call.

[Boat Babe]

I don't understand why I get so wound up when I hear from them. Why does it make me so angry?

Your anger is real and valid. You need to use it to protect yourself from further abuse. You have got a lot of healing to do and the last thing you need is a bunch of potentially PD inlaws stirring the pot.

Personally, given what you've written here, I would withdraw from contact for a few months. You don't need this, at all.

[livinginmyhead]

It's my BIL and stepdaughter.  My husband and I were in the hospital at the same time and I literally could not speak because of intense surgery I had so unfortunately his daughter had to handle everything as far as visiting him, notifying friends and family and all.  When I got out of the hospital I was still in recovery and trying not to think about things because if I cried I would not be able to breathe.

Anyway she took everyone off the list of people who could inquire about him.  She cranked up the gatekeeping she was already doing after someone at the hospital called me to ask if they could give my husband a blood transfusion.  By this time he had been in there for over a month and I could sort of communicate by then. Of course I told them anything to make the man feel better please.

And then, not wanting to deprive his daughter of information I immediately texted her regarding this new development.  She seemed more upset that they called me to ask me about it than she was about him being sick enough to need one.  I don't understand that.

While I have never trusted her due to her past behavior I was grateful that she could be there for her father when I couldn't.  And therein lies the difference.  If they had asked her to okay his blood transfusion I wouldn't have had a problem with it.  I would have just been thankful that the medical people were doing everything they could for him.

She has this continual desire to control everything and everybody around her and call the shots but it is in a very destructive manner at times.  In response, I find myself saying no just because I can for no other reason than to jerk a knot in her tail for being that way and not letting her run everything which might be just as bad as what she does.  It feels extremely petty but I have been walked on by him and his people for years and I've just had it.

Whenever I hear from them I remember stuff like this and I just become angry and unreasonable.