hurting very badly today at notion of being forgotten by my mother

[BrightMoon]

I went NC but it has been sporadic. But I find myself, today, on the edge of tears, struggling to deal with the day and normal things, because I feel such pain at the notions that my mother has never really cared much for me, seems to never think of me, and so on.

I tried some therapy with her and she said something about 'not considering me one of her kids anymore since she hasnt seen me for so long' (about a year technically but about 6 since regular contact).

She always put my siblings first my whole life. Always scapegoated me, always ignored the many awful things they did and continue to do.

My dad was emotionally absent growing up and he too favoured my siblings. My siblings hate me and always acted like I was spoiled by my parents...(!) I guess its taken me my whole life to realise the reality of my bad upbringing and my FOO lack of care or love/acceptance for me. Yet at the same time I cant believe Im middle aged and still struggling to face these things.

Anyway, Im hurting, badly. I just wanted to reach out and get some responses, or feedback, etc.

[engineer31]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It's ok to be hurt by this, no matter what age you are; what you are going through is awful. Show yourself some kindness. Take some time to grieve and then get back up and fix your crown.   

[moglow]

Feeling this with you today, BrightMoon. This isn't new for me either but sometimes it does swing around and catch me off guard. It's very much a mourning process and there arent any shortcuts that I  can see. These lessons are hard won, no doubt about it.

You're not alone. Wishing you peace.

[Yael924]

Oh Hon, I'm so sorry.

No one here has ever been able to figure out why one child is petted and the other ignored.

As a young child I thought there was something wrong with my face. Later, I would think of a million reasons to justify my parents treatment of me.  The hardest thing to accept is that it's just pretty random. It's a failure in your parents, not in you. 

You aren't alone.

[Boat Babe]

I work part time in special education, specifically with kids with emotional, social and behavioural issues. There's a phrase that gets me through tough moments.

The rage of the unparented.

With some kids it's rage, with others it's bewilderment and bone deep sadness. As the kids get older, they are at risk of criminality, drug abuse, early pregnancy and being exploited themselves.  It is all beyond tragic.

And here we are, adults with similar backgrounds, with the feelings we still had back then.  It's still tragic.

However, we do have a lifeline. We can heal, to a great extent. We can find love (romantic, platonic, fraternal and parental) We can find out FOC. We can be part of loving, humane and sane groups of humans. Our story is not over.

I totally get how you feel and promise you that you won't always feel that, certainly not all the time. I love the Mindfull compassion work of Dr Neff. It works for me. Lots of therapies out there, books by specialists that really help and this forum.  You are not alone. ❤️❤️❤️

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.     It is OK to feel sadness around that.  That means you're absolutely normal.    Take some time to treat you or your inner child to something that enriches you.     

My mother has said similar.   It took a long time, but through lots of therapy, I'm able to take the "I don't want you, or anything from you" comments and realize that this speaks volumes about my mother and nothing about me.    It seriously took "hacking" my brain through EMDR to loosen the negative self talk about being discarded and abandoned as a child.       As a mom myself, I can't fathom my child doing anything so heinous that I'd want him to feel that kind of pain.   Even if he was a closet ax murderer....I'd have some boundaries, but wouldn't go out of my way to tell him that he is unwanted/forgotten.    That you've taken the pains to try joint therapy, speaks volumes about your intent to help makes things better with her.   But, she has to also do her part of the work here.   I'm not seeing that in your post.

I THINK it stems from her insecurities, her own trauma, her own poor parenting, generational demons, etc..    For me, I'm going to focus on people that I can lift up and that lift me up.    I know....but it's your mother........bah.....not everyone has the skills to be a good parent.   

[Leonor]

Hi all,

This just hit me, too.

For decades, I was the GC (and the only child other times) in a completely unstable, addicted, $#@ed up family.

For many years growing up, it was just me and my m., and I worshipped her.

I knew things were not good, but I always had an excuse, like "she was busy providng for me," or "if she had known, she would have stopped it," or "deep down she loves me, she just has issues."

Then I started to realize, or allow the awareness, that I was not really petted or loved or even thought very much of. When she was bored and had no man in her life, I was her entertainment. She bought me stuff and took me places, but it was like I was a doll. If there was a man in her life, she disappeared. Or she was working all the time. Or out all night.

I understood that when she cut me off for calling her out on her bad behavior now almost 13 years ago, it wasn't because she was furious or guilt-ridden or devastated. She just ... moved on.

I totally agree with other posters who have said the emotional neglect and abuse are worse than the pa or sa. That has absolutely been true for me, and wanted to share empathy for you.