Boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Yoyocait]

I really need your help and understanding.
I'm struggling a lot in my relationship. I feel like my needs aren't even considered most of the time and every time I ask for a certain level of accountability it ends in an episode. This means I have to drop my feelings in order to meet his needs

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG. You are in the right place.

Start at the Toolbox, to read What To Do, and What Not To Do. There are also a lot of descriptions of the sorts of personalities that bring us here. Don't focus on diagnosing your BF. What matters is seeing the strong pattern, and learning -- or deciding -- what to do about it.

We work very hard here to realize we don't know the details of someone's situation, and so we don't give strong and direct advice. But I'd like to put this bug in your ear for your consideration as you read. You believe your boyfriend may have a borderline personality disorder. It is not the case that we have romantic relationships with most people, only weeding out the bad apples. Instead, we have romantic relationships with almost nobody, when you think about it, selecting only a handful of people in our lifetime, and always because they are great people who make us feel great. We reject scores of people who are attractive, kind, and funny. Maybe it was just bad timing. Maybe we were already in a relationship. Sometimes we just aren't feeling it.

I encourage you right away to find a FOC friend in real life to talk to. Share your observations and feelings. Compare notes. Discuss the Toolbox. Ask "is this a relationship I should invest in? And why? Would I be predictably happier if I were with someone who didn't have a personality disorder?" These aren't easy questions. But a good friend -- one you trust -- can help you answer them. They are hard to even ask. And who knows the answer? You may decide to move on with haste. Or you may come out with firm resolve that this is a man worth the fight: he's just that good and important.  Either answer is respectable. You owe yourself, though, the serious inquiry. And a good friend by your side will keep you honest on whichever path you choose.

Welcome!

Be good. Be strong.

[Yoyocait]

Thank you for the quick and thoughtful reply. I already feel like I'm in the right place.

I thought I'd add a bit more background to my situation

I love my boyfriend deeply.
50% of the time I'm in a healthy and loving relationship.
The other 50% of the time it's exactly how imagine hell to be.

My Boyfriend has been formally diagnosed with BPD. At present it's manifesting every 48 hours ( some weeks it's less)

Something that is acceptable to him one day, won't be acceptable the next.

I am constantly walking on egg shells in my relationship.
The slightest critique can cause 24 hours of insuffao behaviour.
Usually this starts with an over reaction to something very small, nasty name calling, blaming me for everything negative in the relationship. Saying I have anger problems, saying I'm verbally and physically abusive (For clarify I'm not physically abusive, but I have raised my voice in temper when I've lost control) he will then drink till he is intoxicated, something which really upsets me, he'll storm out of the house in the middle of the night and do many inconsiderate things causing me to lose a full nights sleep a couple of times a month.
I understand lockdown is hard and it affects people in different ways but this is becoming so difficult for me.
The relationship is incredibly unstable, he breaks up with me twice a week, he has been found on dating apps by my friends and when questioned about this refuses to see any wrong doing as "we were broken up" - we weren't. We never are. He says this all the time in order to hurt me.
Every time I seek some form of accountability from him, it ends in another long episode which forces me into letting him take the place of 'victim' over me.
I am so desperately upset. I feel unloved, like I'm not a priority and like I can't make this work.

I really want to make this work. But I don't know how. I don't know anybody I can talk to with lives experience that won't judge me or him for something that for most part is out of his control.

I

[Starboard Song]

You've come to the right place to find out how. People do it.

Check out the Committed to Working On It board, and we'll see you around.