Binge eating

[Amadahy]

Hi everybody.

I have a real problem with binge eating.  I feel like I'm at a tipping point with my health.  I do associate this disorder with trauma from Nmom.

Has anyone here successfully recovered from this or learned ways to mitigate?  I feel very out of control with it.

I had begun addressing with my helpful therapist, when she relocated. Her replacement was horrible and I haven't found a good alternative.

I know many folks do this to feel "protected" with the fat keeping others at bay, but I believe my issue stems from self-loathing.  Logically, I know I'm not horrible, but something in my conditioning has planted that seed very deeply.

I appreciate ideas, stories or resources.  Thank you ❤️

[1footouttadefog]

I sometimes turn to junk food for a carb fix.  I bieve it is a learned behavior.

I can remember my mom coming in from work or at other stressful times and grabbing a slice of bread, putting some butter or margerine on it then folding it over and stuffing it down.

The has struggled with eating and carbs and I can see her emotional battle between ordering what she wants and what she should at a restaurant.  It's plan as day on her face that there is a deep emotional battle going on.

I dont tend to go to far or too long when feeding nerves but have noticed I go more often and stay longer as the years go by. 

I know what my triggers are to an extent and that helps.  I know for me this started at a specific time and place in my life.  I was worki g two jobs and at one job it was super bad stress. I was in delivery and once I was loaded and ready to leave I was leavi g the stress of managers etc for a spell. I had to drive in traffic for 35-45 minutes and passed behind a burger King at the beginning of that period.

I would get a combo and that warm burger and soda was awesome. I had never had enough money to eat such anytime I wanted so this made it especially good.  Also this bit of quiet time eating and listening to the radio alone while sitting in traffic was like a vacation each day.  I was working 80hour weeks and things were not good in my marriage at that time.  The little MI I vacation.

I still crave a soda or snack super bad at that time each day even 30years later. 

When under bad stress it is magnified many times over.  I related it to self care as it may have been the first time in my life when I actually regularly spent money on just me for my own wellbeing.

I also relate it to a freedom and baking away from stress. 

Over time I have had other things as substitutes.  However they end up being preempted sabataged etc.  The food thing is a trusted friend and easy to fall back on.

I hope you find answers and that you get in a path to healthier coping mechanisms.

Most recently I have been enjoying taking baths in a plastic Japanese style tub I got off ebay for 50 dollars.  I also spend some time in the evenings watching a great courses program or oRt of one. 

I bought some refurbed vintage binoculars from a birder on ebY and have selected 5places to go sit and bird watch.  I have a folding sports chair to take and plan to take drink with me.

[blacksheep7]

Oh Amadahy, I'm sorry you are going throught this, I can imagine how you feel.  You are a brave woman to come out and talk about it, many hide it.   
This is such a safe place.

I would also tend to believe it has to do with trauma, a way of coping.

I am not a binge eater but had unhealthy ways of dealing with food all my life.   In my teens, we wouldn't snack which was a good habit but sometimes I wanted a cookie and was afraid to ask or simply go for it.  I can binge on peanut butter, two spoonfuls.

My weight was Very important to me, to stay thin because my Pd parents didn't make me feel good or pretty, inside and out so I had to at least look good on the outside to make me feel good about myself.
I would weigh myself everyday even though I really didn't have to.  I was a smoker.  Being hyperactive while working and raising two kids  kept me thin.  I would also excercise and/or do aerobics in the 80's when it first came out.

When I quit smoking late in life, I started snacking at night. The weird thing is that it was usually healthy, like grapes, fruit usually.  The weekends I would permit myself junk food and sometimes a real sugary dessert.

To make my long story short, in the last 7 years I've been gaining 10 pounds, losing and going back and forth.  It's exhausting and now I don't do the quick fix diet anymore. 

I recently have finally stopped the snacking at night, a big victory for me.  I was my mental state that kept me snacking, general anxiety.  Now after 4 yrs nc, I can say I'm in a good place so it was easier to stop, I had a goal to lose the 10 pounds of Covid weight .

Keep searching for that therapist, it will certainly help you greatly.

[hhaw]

Food is a tough thing to deal with, ime.

It's our first pleasure, we need it to survive, ad companies spend all their time figuring out how to get us addicted to products and their priority is making food light up our brains pleasure centers like a pinball machine.

Food....junk foods full of inflammatory ingredients, are everywhere.  Cheap, easy, lacking nutrition, but full of fat, sugars, gluten and chemicals.  More chemicals than food.

We need degrees in science just to read the labels.....sugar has many names and sometimes sugars are sky high, but one can't figure it out, bc we're not supposed to.

Addictions to dairy, sugar and carbs are really difficult to kick, even with the help of an informed nutrition response practitioner.

The more junk we eat, the more we crave it, ime. 

Self soothing with food is so human....so easy.  So understandable and everyone seems to be doing it.  Ads tell us to do it.  Grocery stores are filled with choices making us sick.

We have to adress more than the emotional aspect of self soothing with food, ime.  I just ate and my brain is ranting for carbs....Im not hungry mind you.  My brain wants crunchy, salty, simple carbs.  Or sugar. 

The thing is, when you figure out what nutrition dense foods are, and choose them exclusively, food is pretty boring, ime.

There are no exhilarating happy highs with food anymore.

It's sad.  I actually mourn the loss of feeling better, for a short time, while eating chips, dairy, sugar....carbs.  As my brain calms down, cravings calm down.  That's true, but the brain is always looking for something exciting to eat.

I thought the coconut whipped cream, with sugar and chemicals Darn it, would be ok.  I binged on it with these mostly egg muffins tasting if French toast.....SO good. 

That was a lesson for me....anything I really love....anything making my brain really happy isn't goid for me. 

It's heartbreaking to realize zero sugar, gluten and dairy, with one simple carb a week....like gf bread/pasta/taco shells is how I heal my gut and body.

This is the second time I've seen this nutritional response practitioner.  She performs muscle testing to prioritize causes and address them.

The first time I needed to address brain for so I could get through a custody trial.  The brain for was devastating and the nutritionist got me feeling better quickly.

An unintended consequence was.....
2 months of pristine eating habits of clean, organic protein and complex carbs combined with good fats(ghee, coconut oil, olive oil, avocado, etc) meant I was eating more food than normal, actually forcing myself to eat, while my body dropped 20 lbs if inflammation.  It was shocking. 

I'm at the end of my first month of healthy choices and hitching my pants up.  I can button my pants again and these are the pants I bought bc I grew out if my favorite pants.

Eating chips and carbs, even gf choices, put 10 lbs a year on my frame.  Covid added another 15.  I stoppedcwighing myself and started closing my pants with hsurtues....I refused to buy pants that fit. 

A month ago my youngest DD asked for help with an eating disorder that shut her digestion down completely....she couldn't eat solid food or go to the bathroom anymore.  She was scared. 

Researching her options for help took us back to the nutrition response practitioner and dd18 is following instructions more closely than I am right now, bc eating like this brings up so many triggers and upsetting memories.  I'm sure everyone has their own personal experience.  No two alike.

It's difficult to make consistently pristine choices, bc it's stressful.  Stress is usually a good reason to treat ourselves or make choices that excite our brains.....the cravings are really bad at first.  They get better as our systems clear the junk, ime.

IME, duets don't work. 

Choosing nutritionally dense foods, excluding chemicals, ALL sugars ( it feeds everything bad in the body), dairy and simple carbs isn't a diet.  It's nurturing our good one and healing our beleaguered organs. 

If we go back to eating junk, we harm our health again.

There's no fudging while we fight to heal ourselves, ime.  Once we get healthier, our bodies can do their jobs again.  We might add some things back in, like dairy, but not in the beginning.

The older we are, the longer it takes to heal.  My 18dd's body and gut will likely take 18months to heal, bc she's producing lots of growth hormone older people aren't.  My healing journey will take longer, bc of that.

I'm really sad about food right now.  I can see my body shrink down as inflammation melts away.  I should feel better, but hitching up my pants, that are now too large for me, is really ticking me off.  Nothing fits and the idea of buying anything new upsets me more.

The one hopeful thing I look forward to is having my favorite pair of jeans back in my life again.....feeling comfortable in my skin again.  Recognizing myself again.

See....the idea I'll outlive my siblings, bc they continue making sad dietary choices, is scary.

I look around and almost everyone is making sad choices. 

Our water is creating inflammation.  Our skincare products.  Not just foid.  Our cleaning products and pesticides and....
::gulp::.
parasites Western doctors don't look for or address....all adds to our toxic load and the body starts losing the battle.

The pharmaceutical companies treat our symptoms with drugs that add to the toxic load.  Those drugs create more symptoms, but there are more drugs for each symptom, not to worry.

It's a spiral.  People get sicker with the best medical care in the world....we stay sick and we die sick without understanding food I'd prescriptive in itself if only we had access to the facts about it.

Instead we're surrounded and bombarded by ads and messaging to consume, enjoy, treat ourselves, form habits and buy buy buy....and we do.

Changing patterns, any pattern, is really hard, ime. The stats are we form new habits if we stick with something for 60 to 90 days. 

Food is harder, ime, bc it's all around us
And
We
Don't
Know
What
To
Choose/buy/replace with if we choose to prioritize health and healing, ime.

People around us complain about our PITA eating habits.  We're difficult to feed.  We make really boring food choices and I think it triggers and scares them to see someone making healthier choices.....maybe they're reminded....they aren't.  Heart attacks, diabetes, gallbladder surgery and obesity are common....happening to them or will happen likely.

I notice people demeaning my choices, sabotaging....eating crap in front of us and it's not making this easier, I'll say that.

The fact I've worked through some of my trauma seems to have freed my mind up to notice things I didn't have to deal with the first time I changed how we eat.

I was living under siege, terrified and making every single mouthful of food count....forcing myself to eat on time, never hungry.....desperate.

I'm not desperate now.  I have time and attention for the various things coming up and it's a lot.

It's harder, bc of that, but I'm doing it.

I'm choosing my health, bc I don't want to treat symptoms, get sicker then spend my life savings in the last year or 2 of my life dying horribly.

I want to be mindful and wise and free of the drug companies......Ive never been one for prescribed drugs.  My intuition tells me it's not the right choice. 

THAT is my daily journey right now and I want you to know food IS important.  It can heal as well as harm.

Choosing to heal ourselves with it isn't easy, but it's a choice I regret less than choosing the exciting foods creating inflammation and weight gain......putting pressure on my joints....taxing my gallbladder and liver.....robbing my strength and focus.

It's complicated.  Brain pathways and defaults have to be noticed....then tended to mindfully, with self compassion, zero judgment and curiosity for what comes next.

There will be good, bad and terrible days, ime, but really joyful days too.  All our traumas present and ask for attention.  We tend to judge it as negative, instead of dropping judgment, getting curious about it and attending to it.  THAT habit, when I manage, is the mist productive healing strategy in my life.

I was really hard on myself at first.  I failed till my trauma informed T helped me experience and grow through the process.

And remembering to breathe.....that still escapes me when I'm stressed,but there's healing and epiphanies too.

Becoming our own advocates and caretakers is a journey, ime.  One unlearns habits.  Learns to discern the negative voices installed in our young hearts and minds from our true voices.....as habit.

What becomes habit becomes pleasure.  You can do anything you set your mid to.  It's easier to have wise teachers helping us learn and find new ways to be, but it's still us doing the work.

We're amazing creatures🐝

The journey continues.

[Andeza]

Amadahy, you put binge eating and self-loathing together in your opening post and I feel you've made a significant connection. I'm going to posit a theory, just a theory nothing more, and you can turn it over as you will. The person that taught you this self-loathing was most likely your mother. However, since there's ultimately nothing about you worthy of that sort of self-loathing, the trauma response was to create a situation where the self-loathing became appropriate in a way. So to avoid cognitive dissonance, being in this case the narrative of negativity about being a loathsome person versus being a perfectly fine human being worthy of love and respect, your body/brain duo has been trying to merge the two realities in a way that prevents the inner conflict.

That's just my gut feeling. I apologize that I don't have any resources to offer, but I feel that it would be wise to pursue this avenue with a qualified therapist with whom you connect well, and additionally if there are trauma informed nutritionists out there, they may be helpful as well. My point being you need someone to encourage you and lift you up, not beat you down.

Hhaw brings up an excellent point as well. It's absolutely true that the vast majority of food in the market is designed to be addictive. There are studies available that demonstrate producers add sugar and more sugar until their test group finally says it's too sweet. It's not because the food needs sugar. No. Sweet is only one of the main tastes that we can detect. It's because processed sugar really does light up the same receptors in our brains as addictive drugs. Yay.... And so, your struggle is most likely not limited to ONLY past trauma and current responses, but rather that situation coupled with current trends in the food industry.

I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Whatever the source is, I have no doubt that it is a worthy struggle, that the cause is valid, and that you can overcome with time and assistance.

[Boat Babe]

Our friend Hepatica recently started a thread about self harm, which had some really good contributions.

The link between trauma and addiction (be it food, booze, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping etc) is now well established in progressive therapeutic circles (Dr Gabor Mate is my guru in this field).  Basically, heal the trauma and the addiction can then be successfully tackled.

I am a lifelong smoker and have recently stopped, in great part due to the healing and learning work I have been doing. Not easy, but actually very simple.

Wishing you well. ❤️

[Hepatica]

Amadahy,
I thought the same thing that Andeza brought up, that you put binge-eating and self-loathing together, and I suspect that is because you feel mad at yourself that the binging cannot be controlled.

I can relate to this. Every time I try to be disciplined around food, I lose. As soon as I set an intention I blow it and eat exactly the things I shouldn't. It's like a battle against my own well-being and I've fought it for years. I am also even worse the two weeks before my period. I feel so hungry! Once my period is over I can be more disciplined. But the emotionality of my PMS and my body's need for more is nearly impossible for me to fight.

Part of it is loneliness. I will only overeat, or eat unhealthily if I am alone. So I know I must feel shame about it. When I really dig deep, I think that binge eating comes from somewhere very early in our development. Like probably infant level. We probably did not get the soothing and love we needed when we were just born, and for me,  I suspect I was left to cry when I was far too young to be able to self-soothe. So as soon as I got power, esp. as an adult when I could buy what i want, and I feel that old sadness, I sooth with food. I fills a void in me that feels huge. So I over eat.

I honestly feel it comes from neglect. And maybe the only way to heal that is to learn to re-parent ourselves very very lovingly? It's sad that we have to re-mother ourselves, but I feel and think that is the key with binging. We have to step in and be very creative and loving in our response to it. Because if we get mad at ourselves, it won't heal this part of ourselves that is very young and needed that loving mother to pick us up and soothe us. Just imagine how angry we would have been as a baby, who was left to cry? Instead of turning that anger inward, I really think we have to move into saving ourselves with a loving plan.

I am going to think about what my plan would be. It would be replacing the automatic eating (which brings a feeling of bliss) with something more healthy. Lately I have found having cottage cheese in the fridge helps. I eat two tablespoons of it and it satiates the hunger. And then I walk outside really fast. And the walk brings about a feeling of joy. It takes more effort but when I do this I feel less of the anger toward myself. Instead I feel good about myself.

Good luck and here's to both of us for healing whatever happened to us that caused us such great wounding. May we heal as we begin to bring the action of love to ourselves.

[Amadahy]

I SO appreciate each and every one taking a moment to respond.  All your thoughts are valuable and helpful, so thank you very much. 

I remember the exact moment my binge eating surfaced.  EnDad had died and I knew I was "stuck" with Nmom.  I literally remember thinking, "I'm going to eat and eat and I don't care if I die."  Good grief.  What a sad state of mind.   That was 21 years ago and it has been a recurring theme, even if often subconscious. 

I do know that most "food" is total crap and I feel so much more myself when I eat whole, real, healthy foods.  Of course, these aren't the ones that bring that temporary comfort, that turn on the receptor signals in our brains that feel so momentarily good.  I have yet to binge on broccoli!   

My Nmom has always struggled with poor eating habits and obesity, probably stemming from her own trauma with her own Nmom.  Somehow, I've gotten the idea that if she's not happy then I should not be happy either.  Did I start eating to gain weight to try to win her approval?  Goodness only knows.  I get tired thinking of all the possibilities.

I saw, too, while reading your thoughts and meditating that I often have a binge episode when something good has happened because I have been programmed that I do not deserve goodness or that goodness can't last, so let's just f**k it up and get it over with.  Mercy.

Well, it's the dreaded Mother's Day here (US) and I might normally have a binge, but I've turned off the phone, tended to my animals and family and eaten totally boring healthy food.  I feel pretty good!  One day at a time, eh?

Again, thank you, and I will read these again and again for help and support.  You are wonderful, helpful folks and I wish you each joy and happiness.

xoxo  Amadahy

[1footouttadefog]

A few years back I watched a documentary about food additives, primarily scents/Flavors.

I remember them talking about using scents in the air at stores to make products seem more authentic.  Like a luggage or leather shop using leather scents for example.

They went in to discuss how food. Heists would attend the big trade shows where high end chefs and restaurants would show off the latest and greatest trends.

They would take samples of this stuff and chemically analuze it so they could make craopy frozen foods taste like fancy stuff with only a few visual specs of actually high end ingredients.

Like an asparagus recioe would be "recreated" in. Frozen entire with only a few little chunks of asparagus in top and the rest was carbs and chemical flavorings.

They showed a scent manufacturer where a woman showed off  drWer of sample bottles of strawberry. There must have been a hundred types. From candy kids flavors to high end flavors that were used in top shelf products and everything between.

Then they got into something that was life changing for me when I learned it. They showed how researchers test food additives in bran cells in Petrie dishes.  They test to see what chemicals and flavorings/fragranves and additives will set off addictive brain chemistry.

They Intentionally manufactory foods such that they include these additives to addict people to them.

Additionally high fructose sweateners, while well digested by the body, they are not seen by the of the brain that looks for blood glucose to see if we have had enough.  So the natural feedback loop is not working.  When sugar was in soda for example most folks had a single 10-12 Oz serving and felt satisfied. Now you can drink several 32oz refills and never have  that enough feeling when eating out. 



Ever sence learning this I buy primarily single ingredient foods and cook from scratch.  I read labels and if they have the mysterious ingredient ts called flavorings or similar I leave them behind.

I buy only ice cream that has like 5 recognizable Ingredients, for example.

I believe this has helped my kids avoid putting on weight and they are aware of the cold hearted nature of global food industrialists.

I believe it has helped me resist advertising and marketing.  I can go longer times with fewer cravings for fast food. 

I wanted to put this out there because I believe it may play a role in a lot of food issues and knowledge is power. 

It makes me angry to think about a board of people making fake food that is intentionally addictive knowing its not healthy just for profit.

What's the difference in that and dealing drugs. 

That they do it with ingredients that mega corporations get subsidies to grow is more aggregating. 

[hhaw]

So true, 1Foot.  It's peddling chemicals, carbs and sugars with misleading labels .  It's creating health crisis and addictions.  Big pharm and western medicine are built on the backs of sick people with little understanding.....
it's our food, skin care and cleaning products making us sick.
That's just the sad, greedy truth.

[Hazy111]

One of my UBPD mothers well worn phrases was " I show my love through food" . Well, you dont have to be Freud do ya!

[1footouttadefog]

My PDH has problem with binge eating.

He gains weight, then after a year or so will loose a tree dous amount of weight I ly to gain it all back with binge eating.

His mother was an anorexic who abused laxitives and ate very little.

She would however prepare a lot of food ND bring it when she visited us then would point out pdh was gaining weight.

I also know his parents were very busy with their business and community engagements and he likely felt loved when they'd all spend time together eating or whe  his father would take him a ham ueger and fried at school a couple times a month.

There was a book called Love Hunger years back.  I have a feeling it's relevant to the Idea of food being tied in with feeling live.