Spilling Over

[Hepatica]

I'm having a hard day. Even with all that I've learned about breathing and moving into self-compassion, I am feeling overwhelmed and doubting that I am a good person.

How can it be that I have closed off so many people? NC with parents and sister. Distant from many other family members. This week I feel sad that I've felt really sensitive too, about my husband's family - who are so tight with each other, and I'm not included in it. My husband's brother's wife is included in everything and they all chat on Facebook, but never address me.

Super touchy. And I keep thinking I am totally weird. I don't think anyone really "gets" me.

I woke up and did a mindfulness meditation, guided by Tara Brach and as I did it I just burst into tears. Too much sadness. Too much feeling ostracized and alone. I am not handling it. I feel weak and tender and sore.

I really wish that one day I will find my swans. (Thinking how much I resonate with the Ugly Duckling story and the post one of you posted here this week, about what it means for INFJ's which I am.)

It's hard to be alone and fight this big, dark abyss where I wish I was like everyone else and took things in stride and accepted the flaws of my family, because at least then I'd have one. But that cannot happen. They will always zero in on my oddness and find my sore spots anyway.

It's hard sitting with those sore spots this week. I'm very weepy and filled with sorrow.

[Andeza]

Oh Hepatica, I can just about promise you, you are not weird, or odd, or any other negative thing that they have tried to instill in you.

You are you. And from what I've seen that means you are a compassionate soul and deep thinker. If you have shut people out, it is because they are not safe or healthy for you. Which means you have taken the initiative to protect yourself and care for yourself as they never could. Be proud!

"Weird" is just the negativity they try to force on you, so you will lack confidence in yourself and your decisions, so you will be easy to control, a vulnerable victim.

Find some time today to sit in the sun if it's not cloudy where you are. Five to ten minutes of brightness and cheer may help.

[1footouttadefog]

When I am down like that I ponder what things make me happy and then go there.  I figure at least being around other people who like the same things will spark joy. Quite often I am able to find a good conversation.

I have found that volunteering at a soup kitchen or thrift store is a nice way to get some positivity and be around others who are being positive also.  Everyone chats nicely while working and I leave refreshed.

Just listening to people talk about their or others volunteer efforts elsewhere  and good things happening in the community etc is a nice change from the pd world.

I hope you find your people soon. Stay strong.

[Hepatica]

Thank you for your responses. Thank you Andeza for reminding me to be proud. I seemed to have lost that sense of pride in myself this week. I did a meditation with Tara Brach yesterday and then I went for a hike with my dog in one of our local conservation areas. The fast movement and nature helped.

Thank you 1foot. I think volunteering is so great and just having a fun conversation as you work with people, so rewarding. We cannot do that at the moment, due to being in shut down because of Covid. I will try to stay above my weak moments and I am at least grateful to talk about them here, where I know I'll get some kind pick me ups.

[JustKeepTrying]

You are allowed your weak moments.  Your moments of tears, angst and even despair.  Those are your feelings and they are valid. 

I have a sticky on my bathroom mirror.  You are not your emotions.  It helps me remember that I am allowed to have those feelings but I don't have to follow them.  They are not all of me.  They are a part and it is my choice to continue with them or try to find something else

I admire your strength.  To go NC is strength at it's very core.  To post here and admit your struggling is strength.  That in my mind is very cool.

Last week I was coming back from a walk in the park with teenage son.  I pulled over in front of a house with a for sale sign and sat looking at it.  It was cool and funky place - converted church with large windows, etc.  My son asked what was up and I told him I was thinking of buying it.  He was shocked.  He said "You're weird Mom.  You are not like the other Moms.  Don't stay here.  After I graduate, there will be no need for you to be here.  Go find your people."

I was absolutely struck with how he made weird sound amazing. 

Go be weird and amazing.

[Hepatica]

JustKeepTrying,

Yeah. I am struggling this week and generally the struggle is under control and I can self-soothe, but this week I needed this place, to reach out to all of you who get what I am going through because so many of you understand it viscerally and have so much excellent wisdom. Thank you for reminding me that my feelings are valid. Trauma does spill over at times and it does need some TLC and attention and I, thankfully, am at the place where I know that the hard emotions do pass.

I am also struck by the kindness and wisdom of your son. That is so touching how much he cares about your wellbeing and how much he understands about life. My son recently graduated and I feel my engines revving. I am trying to lay some plans in terms of doing things that I love to do and I am taking your amazing son's words to heart.

Thank you.

[Boat Babe]

You are allowed your weak moments.  Your moments of tears, angst and even despair.  Those are your feelings and they are valid. 

I have a sticky on my bathroom mirror.  You are not your emotions.  It helps me remember that I am allowed to have those feelings but I don't have to follow them.  They are not all of me.  They are a part and it is my choice to continue with them or try to find something else

I admire your strength.  To go NC is strength at it's very core.  To post here and admit your struggling is strength.  That in my mind is very cool.

Last week I was coming back from a walk in the park with teenage son.  I pulled over in front of a house with a for sale sign and sat looking at it.  It was cool and funky place - converted church with large windows, etc.  My son asked what was up and I told him I was thinking of buying it.  He was shocked.  He said "You're weird Mom.  You are not like the other Moms.  Don't stay here.  After I graduate, there will be no need for you to be here.  Go find your people."

I was absolutely struck with how he made weird sound amazing. 

Go be weird and amazing.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Hepatica, words of wisdom have all been expressed above. So here's a big survivor hug for you.

[Hepatica]

Hey Hepatica, words of wisdom have all been expressed above. So here's a big survivor hug for you.

Thanks Boat Babe!! 

[DistanceNotDefense]

I really feel you too this week, Hepatica. Mostly sorrow and grief and like this process is a strong wind blasting off dead, useless limbs on the tree that is life.

I knew they were not serving my growth, but it's still loss - and it's hard to be that one puny sprout left over on a storm-buffeted stump that once was... something, a tree, even if crooked, and trying to be a whole tree again, growing those newer healthier branches.

We've been laid low by loss, a natural occurrence in life...but like everything that gets hit hard, if there's a will to live, something will grow back even in the face of the worst disasters....it's the law of nature.

And yeah, the worst part seems it's not just one limb that gets lost - in the process of growth and healing, the loss of relationships have a ripple effect. Grief begets more grief. People also get alienated by it, it's too heavy, too much a reminder that it could happen to them too. I've been reading up on loss, and experiencing a wave of more relationship losses in the wake of grief is natural, but the best bonds do stick around (and the ones you do lose give you time and energy to find better ones).

Take heart Hepatica ❤️ there's a beautiful swan in there, and I hope you find your flock!

[doglady]

Hey Hepatica,
Don't doubt yourself. In all that you've written here on Out of the FOG, what comes through in all your comments is what a lovely, kind, thoughtful, sensitive person you are.

Like you, I feel closed off from many people. At times I think this means I must simply have a problem getting along with others. And then I think: well, good grief, look at the dysfunctional types I've been trying to get along with all these years. That is some degree of difficulty right there. And I also use some logic to remind myself that I can get along with many people from all walks of life, so I don't need to buy into the fiction that just because I don't '(go along to) get along' with my FOO and a couple of uPD 'friends' from my past, that the problem fully resides with me. Sure I was too passive and too good a listener and put up with crap from others and that's who I attracted because that's how I was brought up - to put up and shut up. But no more. Which means a number of people have fallen by the wayside because I've walked away from them. I'm also quite a reserved and private person, very much INTJ.

I wonder if some of the thoughts you're having are what happens to many of us here when we come Out of the FOG and start seeing toxic situations for what they are. But it also means we are raw, almost as if we have no skin. So we are often still very hypersensitive to the idea that no one could possibly like us, because in our pasts, that often seemed to be the case, that people didn't 'like' us unless we were doing exactly what they wanted. And so now we wonder if anyone can like us just for being us. Is that so unthinkable? No. It isn't. We are good people. We care. We've tried. We deserve good things. We deserve to treat ourselves like our own best friends - because we are!

I just want to add, that you seem eminently likeable, and a real human being, and I hope you find your tribe. I think it's all about connecting with those who share values and interests.

I think I've said here before, if only this forum all wasn't quite so anonymous, because quite frankly if someone organised an Out of the FOG convention I'd have already booked a ticket and be on the next plane out of here (Covid restrictions notwithstanding).

[treesgrowslowly]

It is an up and down process.

Now that I am at a point where the hard times are less often (they were fast and furious for a long while) I feel I can assure you that it does sound like you are doing what I did during the up and down grief and recovery journey. It is a lot like surfing waves I think. Really hard when everything spills over and capsizes us.

I am sorry that you see people who are "living life" without including you. That hurts a lot.

Honestly it just hurts. So many people all around us , and none of them get it. They don't know how to surf that wave with us they don't know how to help us surf our waves, they dont take the time to find out. They just go and do their thing on social media not thinking about what we are dealing with.

Its not your fault at all. When you are feeling better you'll realize how you feel about the way they approach their relationship with you. If they want to keep it superficial and disconnected you'll know it was their choice not yours.

Hang in there and keep posting.

When it feels like a break from the sadness emotions is coming - go with it.

Give yourself that break when it comes even if it is an hour or a day that you're able to enjoy some tv or music or a book or a blanket and tea.  Trust in the process the way you keep doing.

Trees

[Lauren17]

Hepatica,
I hope that you are finding some relief as this week progresses.  If not, I hope you are allowing yourself the time you need to process those feelings.
You've helped me and others here on the forum with your kind words and wisdom.  I'm confident you'll pull through, wiser and stronger on the other side.
Hugs.