I'm finding life very difficult right now with a sibling.

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Ilove....

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I'm estranged from one sibling and to be honest m, I don't really think about her unless if she pushed her way with carrying out revenge.   She wanted to cut contact with me years ago and I accepted and she has been extremely revengeful. She doesn't really cross my mind much.

I have a few more siblings. 2 of them live abroad.  We live our own lifes. We are in touch with each other a few times a year and generally it's good between us when we are in touch.

I have one brother living at home with me and our mother.  I'm having problems with him.  We used to get on well but not any more.  There's issues here.

About 5 years ago, he used to spend days at a time away when he went out with his friends and then his hangovers were lasting days too.  Over time he developed mood problems too.   I remember one time he came home and he was tripping.  Basically I came to realise that he's taking drugs.  He had a complete personality change. There were times when he spent days at a time in his room and only came out at night time after me and mother went to bed at night. I think he would hear our doors close and he would go to bed.

The only time he ever had was for his friends.   He became withdrawn and distant at home.  We live together under the same roof and there were times when weeks went by before we saw each other and when we did see each other, he never spoke to me except for 'hello'. I made attempts at conversation with him before but I just came up with a blank from him.  For example he went away on holidays with his girlfriend and when he came home I asked him how were his holidays.   'they were fine, I will show you pictures another day before fleeing to his room' of course time went on and he never showed me pictures.  He wasn't able to hold down his job or his relationship with his girlfriend and the drug use continued.   

To be honest, I'm disgusted he's using drugs and that he's an addict too. I never had a conversation with him before about it though.  There were times he was behaving like a dick and I wanted to wring his neck but I never did and I held back. I always hoped that by keeping the peace the situation would improve.

I can remember a situation a few years ago where there was a serious matter developing with a different member of the family and an uncle came to visit us to tell us. My brother stayed out of room and let me and our mother speak to our uncle. My brother just stayed in his room.  When the uncle was gone, he came down to the kitchen to speak to me and our mother to see what it was about.  My mother couldn't grasp the situation entirely because there was some legal stuff and she allowed me to explain to my brother. He stood in the kitchen nearly grunting reply to me, there was something not right about him. He nearly felt sore standing in the kitchen have to talk to me before he fled back to his room.

I've given up having conversations with him at this stage.   Any attempt at conversations was never reciprocated.

My mother gave him an easy, softie approach in fear that he would run away with a rope.  She knows he was taking drugs. We don't know what his current drug status is. He completely took advantage on living at home.   He never once provided a financial share towards household bills and he rarely helped. Then there were times he did help but it was the minimum and the least he could do considering he lived there.  Basically he gave the impression that any help he gives, we pay him. There were times when he let us down badly too.  If I behaved the way he did, she would have killed me.  The way she is allowing and enabling him is neither here nor there right now.

Our relationship is nothing.  He doesn't talk to me.  This is an issue for me now. It really got to me bad the other night. He eventually he got up out of his bed and out of his room to walk into me in the kitchen.   I think he was in his room waiting for me to go to bed but that wasn't happening so he came down to the kitchen.  He came in and he said 'hello X'. X being my name.  It was just so lame.  That's all it it to our relationship. He's doesn't talk to me or have a conversation with me.   His hello was so lame. 

 Why does he say hello to me when he doesn't want to talk to me?   Can he not just continue ignoring me?   Why say hello to me? It's mixed messages for sure. 

I'm ready to pull the plug on this relationship.   I want to blank him from now on and stop with the lame hello. I want to block him on facebook too.   He has facebook account that he never.   I have a boyfriend of a few years and not once did he ever try to be friends with him.  Me and my boyfriend used to out up pictures and not once did my brother ever press like or wish us well.





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Oscen

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Re: I'm finding life very difficult right now with a sibling.
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2021, 01:53:55 PM »
Hi Ilove, this sounds hard.

You have the right to speak your mind to your brother. I'm not saying it will magically fix everything or make things immediately get better, but it sounds like you have lots of valid feelings that would be healthier for you if they were expressed.

There's no knowing how he'll take it or what he'll do, but that's part of the relief of speaking - then you've done your part and the ball's in their court. At least you'd know that you made it clear what your needs, wants and expectations are.

Wishing you the best, Oscen

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Ilove....

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Re: I'm finding life very difficult right now with a sibling.
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2021, 12:15:50 PM »
We live together but it's been weeks since we've seen each other and whenever we do see each other.  He's in bed when I get up in the morning. I don't know what his days are like.  Some mornings I get delayed to get out and he's still in bed.   When I get home in the evenings, it could be about 7 or 8 pm in the evening and he is in his room.   We don't see each other. I think he's having some interaction now with our mother.    It's hard not to take this personally.

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Oscen

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Re: I'm finding life very difficult right now with a sibling.
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2021, 02:34:49 PM »
I understand. It's your home, so the usual ways of coping with bad behaviour by grey rock or going no contact don't apply. He's there; you're affected.
Can I clarify, you're not saying your brother has got a PD, right? He just seems to be somewhat unhealthy. So the issue here is not how to deal with a person with a PD, but more about overcoming the unhealthy communication strategies conditioned in you by PD individuals so that you can interact better with normal but difficult people like your brother. Let me know if I have that wrong.

I really think you need to talk to him about it, Ilove. I think you have the right to and will feel better in the long run, even if it's difficult and it doesn't change his behaviour. It will at least be a load off your mind. I understand you might be reluctant to do so because of your difficult upbringing with PD individuals, but if so, that's your stuff; not his. It's up to each of us to commit to healthy, assertive communication. If healthy, assertive communication is a work in progress for you, then you're in good company.

I've been learning this myself, and in the last six months confronted two people with things that were bothering me and actually made a bit of a mess of those conversations because it was new for me. I felt defensive which meant I behaved aggressively rather than assertively. However, I apologised in both cases and learned a lot from the ensuing conversations. Though it was awkward, scary, and somewhat humbling, I now feel more confident in my communication abilities, and our relationships are even better than before.

What I mean to say is, I didn't wait until my communication skills were perfect before I started having difficult conversations. It was extremely hard and went against all my conditioning from my PD parents to be a people pleaser and to never express myself, but I listened to my feelings, did my best with the skills I had, and was willing learn from what came up afterwards. With the PD individuals in my life I know can't communicate openly in this way because they use my mistakes against me, but with everyone else, I believe it's my responsibility to do my best and learn as I go along.

You'll never learn without making a bunch of mistakes, so forgive yourself for being imperfect and keep going. Wishing you the best of luck.