Husband has NPD traits like uNPD MIL, won’t go to counselling

[Breakthrough]

Hi,

So my husband often says or does NPD things.  I didn't think he had a PD, but his mom and her family are full of them and he is enmeshed with them but won't admit that and is very defensive of his family (but not so much our family).  He is critical of my parents, who definitely have their issues too, but at least I keep healthy boundaries in place.  I feel exhausted with the self isolation and have pandemic fatigue.  I will be starting counselling at the end of this week.  I have my issue with my marriage boiled down to one big issue, he takes no ownership of anything and there is a very inequitable division of responsibility.  He is a SAHD by his choice, not ours, he refused to work since we got married.  He uses me as an excuse, but the fact is he is just lazy.  He has 2 degrees, but has never worked using either of them.  He refuses to adult and I end up picking up the slack.  He doesn't clean, or cook, or do laundry.  Or dishes .  I should say he occasionally does these things, but may be 10% of the time.  I don't cook either so we eat a lot of convenience foods.  We have 2 kids and he does get them to and from school, but often he's late or forgets things and I have to put them into a schedule so it gets done. 

I just feel tired.  I get physically sick easily and work an intense and stressful job with a lot of responsibility.  My workplace can be toxic at times.  I have had some physical injuries that required frequent physiotherapy.  I just don't feel like I can do this anymore.  I want to quit to force him to get a job sometimes, but honestly, I don't feel it would work, it would just mean I would have to get a different job and it might be hard to find one. 

I don't want to get divorced, as he would take me to the cleaners and I would never be able to afford to retire.  I have to retire early, this job is also physically taxing at times and I don't think I can manage to work much beyond my mid 50s.  I have contemplating kicking him out of the house and letting him deal on his own, but I am afraid he would lawyer up.  He isn't physically abusive, but he sure is abusing my goodwill with his behaviours.  He is also mostly a good dad, and I do love him, I am just tired of feeling like I toil while he puts his feet up.  He is not selfish, but he is not organized and our house is in constant chaos and I just can't deal with that anymore. 

I know I should hire help, a cleaner, but we tried that and paid a lot for crappy service, the floors weren't clean, and they charged us for 12 hrs of cleaning.  What they did would have taken me 6hrs max, and they charged us over $500.  We decided never again.

I know it's my issue too, I am exhausted and feeling down.  I know I need to be healthy for my kids, but I just want to run away from my life sometimes.  I feel like I picked the wrong person to be with in life at times, but then may be I am the problem too?  May be my expectations aren't realistic?  I just wish he had it more together.  I feel like I am struggling to keep it together myself, but yet have to keep it together for him and our kids too, because I am constantly picking up his slack.

Thoughts?  If he's actually an NPD I know I should get out, but I don't think he is, he just looks like one at times because of learned patterns in his upbringing.  He has said he is the most like his mom, and he is quite a difficult person at times, but he also can be very considerate, and I don't think actively tries to manipulate things, though he is terrible about taking responsibility for his actions at times.  I guess at this moment, I don't really like him.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes, it is such a bitter pill to swallow - the acceptance that we can only change ourselves. Never our partner. No matter how hard we try and how important and good that would be.  Your husband will go to counselling when he sees the need to do so. He will change when and if he wants. For now,  you might want to try to accept that what you see is what you get.