Update/Seems like possible progress

[engineer31]

So, about a week ago now my MIL messaged DH that they were going to live and out of quarantine (only 5 days after she said they tested positive ). She said she had a realization that life is too short and the family needs to heal, but (get this....) all the nonsense needs to stop, because it's all just nonsense. That made us both livid. Continuing to downplay our feelings. That was the only thing I could think about all day. When I got home DH told me that my BIL's wife messaged him saying she would like to talk to me and apologize (I had her blocked on FB messenger and she doesn't have my phone number). Anyways, we had a "falling out" because I let her know that MIL was talking badly about her marriage behind her back, threatened to take their kid, and she told MIL because she wasn't ready to hear it. Almost 2 years later and she called to apologize. A sincere apology. She empathized with me and now similar situations are happening in her marriage that have happened to DH and I. She let me know she took a step back to really evaluate what MIL is doing. We talked for 2.5 hours. She told me everything they have been saying about me. One Christmas (about 3 years ago) I invited everyone over to stay at our house (I hadn't met this SIL yet as she was new to the family). She told me, on the way to the house MIL warned her about me . Apparently there's a group chat with the entire family (except DH and I) and when I asked MIL about the cookies I sent for Easter, she texted everyone in the group chat "here we go again". AND about a year ago when my DH stood up for me and chewed her out over the phone, when DH hung up, she told SIL that DH didn't even want to be with me. They claim they have apologized to me. THE LIST GOES ON. I told my DH all of this and it has really opened his eyes, hearing all of the gossip she's been doing. We realized that she was out of quarantine just 5 days after testing pos, so I asked SIL when they found out and it was A WEEK before she told us!  My only thought is she was looking for attention. SIL sat down with MIL and let her know that she talked to me and apologized and we made up. She said MIL seemed shocked and almost worried wondering what all was said (SIL said she was very vague and didn't go into detail). She also said she plans on sitting down with her H, MIL, and FIL and having a discussion with them in a couple of months. I'm so happy that she realized what is going on and reached out, and I am worried for her because we've been dealing with this for close to 7 years, she just hasn't realized that our MIL is uBPD. Anyways, not really looking for much other than things have become a lot more clear for the both of us. Having someone validate my feelings and understand why I am NC with the family and why DH and VVVLC has really helped. DH has been doing a lot of thinking and he's unsure if he even wants to try to maintain a relationship with them. This week feels like progress, even if we're still not speaking to them.

[Starboard Song]

There is a whole lot of work ahead, of course. And there will be trust issues to solve, or to not solve. But however it ends up, that is real progress. I am sure that it really is a great comfort to be heard and understood -- even just a little.

[Cat of the Canals]

Having been in a somewhat similar situation with my own family, I want to echo the subtle note of caution in Starboard Song's post. I know what a relief it is to finally feel like you aren't a lone castaway on Truth Island. But I think almost everyone comes Out of the FOG in stages, and that's why I would suggest you take things with your SIL slowly.

My brother is very enmeshed with my NPD/BPD mother, and while he doesn't wholly deny the dysfunction, he tends to swing back and forth to some degree. Sometimes it's, "I've met people with diagnosed BPD, and she's not THAT bad." and other times it's, "I read an article on family estrangement and thought maybe I should show mom so she'd know what's at stake."

I've learned over time that it can be very painful to watch him slip back into the FOG. Partially because some of that loneliness and invalidation comes back, but also because you KNOW they are only signing up for more abuse and wish you could stop it. You can't.

These days, I try to keep certain boundaries in place, even when he's having a moment of clarity. One of those boundaries is that I do not openly share my feelings about my mother with him. I will listen and support him when he's venting about the latest fiasco, but I try not to bring "my stuff" into it. I don't think he'd intentionally repeat anything that I'd said to her, but I can imagine him trying to "fix" it. He's done it before, and it didn't turn out well.

Anyway, just something to consider. Especially since there are more talks between SIL and MIL planned. PDs can be so very good at hoovering and getting everyone on board to just forget all this nastiness and move on as if nothing happened.

[engineer31]

Thank you both for the advice. I will definitely  take it slow. If it was my other SIL (DH sister) then I would probably not trust her as much, but this is my husband's brothers wife, so married into the family like me. I think that's why I am having an easier time accepting her apology and moving forward with her. I know if my MIL or her daughter were to "apologize" it would be VERY hard to gain my trust back.

[Hopeful Spine]

Also echoing caution.  While reading your post (and basing it off my past experiences) I have to admit I had a bitter feeling of "hope it lasts".
That relief, the bonding, and a 2.5 talk feels SO GOOD.  I'm happy for you.  And hopeful.  But these things do come in waves and not everyone is strong all the time.  When you marry into dysfunctional families you find that even the good allies can (understandably) crumble when the bullies begin.  Sounds like you are proceeding with caution and staying strong yourself.