It's getting difficult to grey rock / Becoming similar to partner

[BefuddledClarity]

I guess this is a two part post, but I'm finding it difficult to medium chill or grey rock partner, because he ups his antics each time.

Just recently, he locked the door to our bedroom. He's been locking the door since I once, accidentally locked it on him, due to his mother being the type to barge in whenever she visited. Ever since he gets angry or annoyed with me, he'll lock our bedroom door. Before then, he NEVER locked the door, do very odd...I did have to lock it on him when he was drunk and raging, just didn't trust him since he hurt me prior by shoving me and putting his hand around my throat until I kicked him and he completely back off...


Anyhow...

Its really annoying when I'm trying to get something from bedroom. This instance, I was trying to take a shower in master bedroom but he locked the door to our room.

I got pissed off and started yelling at him and jangling the door knob in rage[which is something he does]...I never used to be this angry but wow, it's embarrassing that I'm becoming this way. I don't want to model this for son...

He got angry at me saying it's not his fault the door is locked pretty much...I just don't see WHY he locked the bedroom door because it turnt out, he was still showering..if the bedroom door was unlocked and I'd heard the shower going off, I would've went my own way and not disturb him at all.

I need to control my anger and figure out a better way to grey rock...I don't want to be a rager like my own parents were or current partner.


I had a post recently asking how to control anger---I just don't know anymore how to contain it in the spur of the moment. I'm not as mellow as I used to be.

Have a couple of stressors in life, with that being working at a PD filled job, the apartments having water issues to where it's turnt off for hours in a day and ongoing project that'll last 2-3 more months, and trying to figure out finances...

I pay everything on my own. I might take my partner up on his offer for helping with bills. The only reason I pay for everything now was because I was going to take a "break" from partner and live alone with son but that didn't happen. So every bill under my name. I just don't want him to think I owe him anything. He'll have literally nothing to worry about having no bills except phone. I got tired of him complaining about finances all the time when he wasted his on stupid stuff like alcohol and he'd treat me like I don't exist or yell at me based on his own stress of finances, I kept that stress to myself while holding it in. I always used to have "fun" money after bills were paid because I saved for it. Just gotta rebudget now ...

[notrightinthehead]

It's easy to loose it when others do it all the time. It is our normal.  You probably tolerate your partner's behaviour because of your childhood experiences.

In my experience medium chill helped me more than anything.  Bedroom door closed, I can't get in - fine. What can I do now to go on with my day? No reaction, no response. It helped me so much to understand that the response, my anger, my desperation, my expression of fear, sadness, my crying was what provided his supply. It gave him energy.  Satisfaction.  Me rattling at the door would have pleased him.  And when I decided to no longer please him, I stopped giving him this satisfaction.  The fact that he could no longer provoke outbursts, shouting matches, high drama confused him first. Then made his behaviour worse. Then he calmed down.  This went on for month.  One medium chill interaction achieves nothing. But consequently implemented over months,  you might find that you feel more in control of yourself, the situation.  There is some information on how to medium chill out there. Think about typical situations in your life and how you could mc them.  Then rehearse in your mind. Then implement.

The money matter you mention is very important.  You might need a nest egg for an emergency, when he becomes violent.  At the moment life seems cushy for him,  you pay all the bills and put up with his behaviour.  Is that how you want your life to be?  If not, what can YOU do to change it?   You might enable him big time.  Someone who lives with me for free does not lock any doors in my house.  Could you charge him rent? Only you know what you can do.

Sending you strength!

[ploughthrough2021]

I am doing medium chill and grey rock now with my uNPDw.  It is hard but I find you need to have several projects that you re doing for yourself for it to work so that you don't fall back into the trap.  And Anger I find is good because it removes the fear out of FOG.  I went through anger the last 3 years and now with medium chill, I am somewhat controlling the anger part.  Good luck and stay strong !