PD parent can't handle child being independent/having other people in their life

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MarlenaEve

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Yeah, this is very typical narc behavior.

My NM doesn't accuse me straight out of abandoning her when I hang out with friends but, she monitors my friendships online, for example, and tries to get between me and these people.

She is an insanely jealous person so she can't stand me having other people in my life with whom I share things.
Please, don't feel bad about it. Remember that she's a sick person and ignore these sick behaviors. You don't need to be her parent and check in on her several times a month/day to make sure she's OK.

You, your FOC, as well as your life and the people who you didn't grow up with need to come first. You don't exist to satisfy her needs, you are your own independent person.

In my case, I make sure she doesn't know WHO my friends are or my SO is. I burned myself before so I learned my lesson not to talk about friends/boyfriends and, god forbid, not to introduce them to the fam.

My brothers all got badly burned by NM because they all let their ex girlfriends become almost like our mother's best friends/confidants. Their relationships failed badly and, my hope is that they've learned a good lesson from it.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2021, 06:21:30 AM by MarlenaEve »
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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runnerbabe33

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oh yes. I was just thinking about this today, before my weekly therapy session. My PDmom is this way and has been since I was a child. I couldn't have friends any normal way because every time I tried she would fly off the handle and punish me for "abandoning" her for someone else. Never mind that I was 6 trying to make friends in school. As I got older she couldn't just tell me how I felt and would lie and twist reality to he own choosing and make anyone I wanted to befriend seem evil, malicious or horrible. She has accused teenagers of trying to do awful things to her that never happened. It never stopped and sadly it never will.

The way I cope/coped with this toxic dynamic was moving out, moving on and giving her no insight to my life. At best she gets the barest of details and I let her assume she's the most important person in my life, that I have no friends or family other than her. She lives in her own self made delusion and I'm happier. If something like this comes up, or I have a flashback or nightmare (it happens) or the old anxiety of making friends resurfaces, I remind myself that her behavior is not normal. I try to picture a healthy adult in my life reacting to the situation or at worst call someone I can trust for their opinion and move on the best I can.

Another example is my best friend (and found family). Her mom is also an abusive nMom. Recently, her mother accused her of ignoring her for a life saving medical treatment (my friend has cancer and was in treatment for that) and tried to manipulate her via shame and lashed out when her tactics didn't work. ("you don't love me because you didn't answer my call" "you're pathetic and have made being sick your whole personality") She ignores reality if it doesn't suit her narcissistic needs, she lies to their family about my friend's health and has said my friend is exaggerating her condition. She makes everything - my friends health, career, friends, kids/husband/in-laws - about her. And if my friend tries to set up boundaries she shames, manipulates, bullies and abuses her and has gone as far as to abuse and threaten her kids and has put them in harms way to get what she wants. She will go to any length to isolate my friend from other people who care about her, including medical doctors, therapists and her husband and children. The only thing that worked to stop the toxic cycle was leaving her 1000s of miles away and blocking her number. It's an extreme case though.

but we both do the same thing, when she's feeling guilty for getting treatment for her health, I have to remind her that her mom is not behaving rationally or in her best interest and that other adults who love her want and need her to care for her health.

breaking free from the toxic abuse from PD parents is rough. I wish y'all the best. <3


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Andeza

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Hilariously, my uBPDm was jealous of my books in this fashion. If I spent eight hours plus of the day in my room reading (to avoid her 16 hours of TV viewing) she would complain that she was lonely. Why couldn't I read in the living room? Logically, I tried to blame the TV, but the real reason was because of I was in the same room, she'd sit there and yap nonstop.

Normal, healthy parents would be thrilled that their kids loved to read quietly! They'd be thrilled by the college level reading skills in elementary school. Not mine. :doh: I started shrugging and then just walking out of the room. Books were my refuge. I didn't have friends.

Additionally, she used to attempt to guilt me by starting off saying "I know you're an independent young woman, but..." The "but" invalidates what comes before. So she was ultimately revealing that she either didn't believe I truly was independent, or she resented it. Probably both, because I achieved what she never was capable of. Separating from my parents as an adult should be able to do. She couldn't. Dropped out of college because she couldn't, in fact.

As the years passed, and I accomplished more things than she could because of her mental illness, the guilt trips became nonstop. She resented my success, or perhaps my ability to succeed at all outside her home. We're NC now. I don't miss the guilt trips.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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runnerbabe33

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Additionally, she used to attempt to guilt me by starting off saying "I know you're an independent young woman, but..." The "but" invalidates what comes before. So she was ultimately revealing that she either didn't believe I truly was independent, or she resented it. Probably both, because I achieved what she never was capable of.

THIS :yeahthat: I definitely do not miss the backhanded invalidation stuff. My nMom finally admitted she thought my independence, ambition and accomplishments were a flaw. She used to call my degrees and career "nonsense" (this woman is a doctor and would shame me for wanting an education, it made no sense until i realized she had a PD).  :wacko:

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Arnelle

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I recognise so many things in this thread.

My uBPD dad would get upset if I wanted to go to birthday parties of my friends rather than on a walk with him when I was still a child.

I would never have friends over because he acted so strangely whenever I brought someone home. Iím sure he wouldnít be able to name a single one of my friends, because he never cared about that part of my life.

Once my parents divorced, he would get extremely jealous of my mum spending time with us. Around Christmas time he would always go on holiday because he couldnít bear to see it which led to us not seeing him at all for Christmas most years.

When both my sister and I started to be in serious relationships, things got so bad that we are now NC. My dad really couldnít handle not being the most important man in our lives anymore. I think itís because he increasingly lost control over me, and couldnít handle it.