NEW Sorting out reality with undiag possibly NPD husband

[birdofpassage]

Hi and thanks so much to the admins and all who read and respond.

I don't know which way is up and I feel so very confused and guilty but I thought I should join and post anyway. There is nothing dramatic about my husband. He does "lie" to me regularly (maybe once a day) but they are always defensive lies, and they're often lies by omission -- such that I'm not even sure what to call them. I am often angry with him (raising my voice, accusing) when he breaks commitments, so I know it's partially my fault that he doesn't trust me, and I know our patterns are part of a dance that we're both responsible for.

Sometimes it's "forgetting" something he said he would do (after a decade of marriage I know the difference between when he truly forgets and when says yes but means no), sometimes it's turns of phrase in conversations, where he asks me something he already knows as a way to make the decision mine -- for example when he feels guilty about buying something and he wants to think that it was me who decided to buy it, so it's my fault we're over budget and not his.

When I tell him that something doesn't add up, nine times out of ten he eventually comes around and admits that he's twisting the truth as a way to get out of something he's ashamed of.

I just don't really know if he's just a flawed person like the rest of us here on spaceship earth, or someone to get away from. To everyone who knows us, he is a sweet, quiet, insecure, generous guy. A little non-descript, not very reliable, but pleasant and always willing to lend a hand. Yet I've known since about 3 months into our marriage that things were not right. Not to mention knowing that a relationship that began in earnest with my sympathy for him after he burst into tears apologizing for infidelity and a major ethical indiscretion was, well, different, at best. I know he's not a great dad, he's not a supportive husband, because to be honest, he doesn't spend a whole lot of time or effort trying to make our lives better or even knowing what's going on with us. But he's also not terrible, or at least I don't think so?

I just found the book Should I Stay or Should I Go by Ramani Durvasula, and I identified the following traits in my husband:

Unwilling to Empathize
Manipulative
Angry and Rageful (sudden rage like slamming his hands on furniture, slamming doors)
Hypersensitive
Lack of Guilt/Lack of Insight
Needs Constant Admiration and Validation
Lying
Emotionally Cold
Gaslighting
Cheap
Never Takes Responsibility
Unpredictable
Doesn't Listen
Fragile
Careless

According to her book, he's "likely" a Narcissist, but I think it's a spectrum? I'm also reading In Sheep's Clothing by George Simon, and I'm trying very hard to both identify and change the way *I* react (it's a process) when my husband uses:

Selective Inattention
Evasion
Feigning Confused Innocence
Rationalization
Projecting Blame
Playing the Victim
Villifying the Victim
Brandishing Anger
Playing the Servant

I'll just say that I know that I feel alone. For a long time I've felt more like a doll or a pet to my husband than a wife and a partner. I don't know what's going on but I know that marriage counseling didn't really go anywhere and now that I'm seeing these things I wonder if it's time to move on rather than dig in...

Sorry for being all over the place, and looking forward to slowly sorting all this out... Hello, it's me! 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place. Sounds like you not in a direct emergency but rather have come to a point where you wonder about your marriage and your role in it. It might be really helpful for you to study the toolbox and start implementing the strategies, especially medium chill and non JADE,  since you are telling us that you sometimes 'loose' it and become very angry.  I have found that the angry state, as well as the fearful state are not good states for me to make clever decisions, so i try to maximise the times I spend in a calm state.
It might also be a good idea to swallow the bitter pill that you will not be able to change your husband, no matter what you try. However, you can change yourself and how you behave towards him and as a response to his behaviour, like unreliability, lying, being emotionally unsupportive.  When you turn the focus of your attention from him towards yourself,  you will feel so much more in control. You will get to know what you want, feel, need, dream of and you might be able to compare that with what you have actually got.
Read around on this forum as well, you might find a good place for you is the Chosen Relationship tab.  Hope to see you around on the boards!