about the boot a sibling

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Pepin

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about the boot a sibling
« on: May 18, 2021, 04:27:51 PM »
My siblings and I have a group chat through texts.  It is our primary form of communication.  One of my siblings decided to go stop responding because they didn't like a topic we were discussing.  It was clear that they felt that I and my other sibling were wrong in our opinions rather than accepting that we all have different opinions.  We have moved on from that topic and discussed many others things since then and the silent sibling still won't join in.  This sibling was never told that they were wrong about their opinion nor were they a main target.  I am feeling that this is an incredibly immature way to behave.  And, I have noticed other occasions in the past where this sibling has done the same thing - even before smart phones when only phones were available.  It almost feels like ghosting and I sense they are wanting an apology but there is nothing to apologize for -- I mean, wouldn't it be odd to say that I am sorry for having a different view on things?  How they feel about my opinion should have nothing to do with how they feel about me overall as a sister.  This one opinion doesn't define me in any way but they are taking it to mean that that is all I am about.  I am thinking that I need a break from all of this coming from this sibling.  I just don't have room anymore to be dealing with this kind of behavior.  They trigger me too much and seem more and more like NF.
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Pepin

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Re: about to boot a sibling
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2021, 10:13:21 PM »
I was thinking some more....sorry about the typo in the header as well.  What this sibling is doing to me feels the same as when I was discarded by NF.  I didn't agree with what he wanted of me (firm boundary) and stood my ground.  He then went cold.  Same scenario now with my sibling.  We don't agree.  But, I am not discarding them because they don't agree with me because we are allowed to disagree.  I think I am just going to drop any contact and engage with the other sibling only.  It is pointless to continue.  The other sibling has also noticed this as well and is playing it cool.  We both don't want to further ruffle feathers...
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

*

sandpiper

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Re: about the boot a sibling
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2021, 09:10:57 PM »
Maybe go read the My Stuff/Your Stuff thread, because it sounds like you're transferring a lot of your feelings from one relationship (your father) to another (your sibling).
Group chats aren't for everyone. They take up a lot of time and space and I groan every time someone sets one up, and I exit them ASAP. A lot of people enjoy them but your sibling may not and it doesn't seem like an unreasonable boundary to choose to opt out of them.
I'm the one who thinks differently from most of my family and FWIW, it is exhausting to have to spend time among people who don't think like I do. Years ago, my T actually advised me that for the sake of my mental health, it was a good idea to limit the time and the energy that I was giving to that.
So while this is uncomfortable for you, perhaps your sibling has set some boundaries that are designed to help his/her quality of life. 
Sometimes growth is as much about learning to accept other people's boundaries as it is about learning to set and maintain our own.
Cutting yourself off from a relationship because someone wants to do something differently is very black & white thinking. Situations like this offer challenges to find new ways to communicate and to reflect on how the old ways that we've operated might be damaging to a relationship.
Very few of us leave PD FOO with a useful skill set for healthy communication & it sounds like this is the issue here.
Sometimes it's just about sitting with the discomfort and dismantling the networks around our own hot buttons.
Sure you could withdraw and leave the relationship, but there are going to be plenty of other instances in this life where this situation is likely to be repeated. And if you can learn to change the way you are hard-wired to respond to it, and work on healthier responses, you have a better chance of salvaging your relationship. Even if things don't work out with this particular sibling, if you've worked on your own issues and your own communication skills, life will be easier further on if you know how to expand and explore our options when situations like this arise.
Hope that helps.

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Pepin

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Re: about the boot a sibling
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2021, 12:23:13 AM »
Maybe go read the My Stuff/Your Stuff thread, because it sounds like you're transferring a lot of your feelings from one relationship (your father) to another (your sibling).
Group chats aren't for everyone. They take up a lot of time and space and I groan every time someone sets one up, and I exit them ASAP. A lot of people enjoy them but your sibling may not and it doesn't seem like an unreasonable boundary to choose to opt out of them.
I'm the one who thinks differently from most of my family and FWIW, it is exhausting to have to spend time among people who don't think like I do. Years ago, my T actually advised me that for the sake of my mental health, it was a good idea to limit the time and the energy that I was giving to that.
So while this is uncomfortable for you, perhaps your sibling has set some boundaries that are designed to help his/her quality of life. 
Sometimes growth is as much about learning to accept other people's boundaries as it is about learning to set and maintain our own.
Cutting yourself off from a relationship because someone wants to do something differently is very black & white thinking. Situations like this offer challenges to find new ways to communicate and to reflect on how the old ways that we've operated might be damaging to a relationship.
Very few of us leave PD FOO with a useful skill set for healthy communication & it sounds like this is the issue here.
Sometimes it's just about sitting with the discomfort and dismantling the networks around our own hot buttons.
Sure you could withdraw and leave the relationship, but there are going to be plenty of other instances in this life where this situation is likely to be repeated. And if you can learn to change the way you are hard-wired to respond to it, and work on healthier responses, you have a better chance of salvaging your relationship. Even if things don't work out with this particular sibling, if you've worked on your own issues and your own communication skills, life will be easier further on if you know how to expand and explore our options when situations like this arise.
Hope that helps.

Got it.  Thanks for pointing out what I am failing to see.  This makes sense and I am embarrassed.  This journey has been incredibly complicated for me and I really am having difficulty trying to compartmentalize what goes where sometimes. 
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

*

Pepin

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Re: about the boot a sibling
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2021, 01:28:25 PM »
This morning I woke up and realized that what I am dealing with is totally valid for a C-PTSD survivor like myself.  While it may seem that the issue with my sibling should be my problem alone, it actually is not.  My siblings and I were raised by a raging narcissist and were of course assigned specific roles.  This sudden withdrawing by this sibling doesnít mean that they donít like conversing by text; it means that they are trying to punish.  We donít live near each other but have tried our best to remain close despite our horrible upbringing.  And sometimes we clash because of our assigned roles.  I see this behavior of theirs as another notch in the flea pattern.  I donít like it and I donít want to be a part of it if they refuse to communicate.  This sibling has often times operated from a pedestal - exactly as NF did - and that is where there is connection and also my trigger.  It is now up to me to decide what my next move is.  I can respond with compassion by giving them space to cool off.  I can also work to keep things even more neutral with them to avoid future silent treatments.  I am certainly not going to coddle them for throwing a quiet tantrum like this though.  It makes me sad to have to include this sibling less in my life but I guess that is what they want.
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

*

Hepatica

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Re: about the boot a sibling
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2021, 10:55:39 AM »
Another option is to ask your sibling if everything is okay.
It is true that opinions will be diverse and that is normal, but sometimes opinions can be very personal to a person. For instance, regarding politics. Because I married a non-white person, I am very sensitive to racist language and even the choices made on who to put in power politically. This is because I actually feel fear that my child could be harmed by racism physically and emotionally. It really hurts that much of my family has strong opinions that can harm my husband or child.

I have backed away because I feel so hurt by it. I have, in a round about way, told them how my family has been affected by racism and yet they still continue to support things that I know could potentially harm my child. They might say it is just their opinion, but it truly affects my sense of personal safety. I did get hurt by this and I did back away. And they might say I am acting selfish because it is merely opinions. I wish they had asked me and really let me know they understood, but they haven't.

Perhaps ask your sib if this is personal to him or her?
« Last Edit: June 05, 2021, 11:03:57 AM by Hepatica »
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