What to tell my kids about family get togethers and not attending?

[Breakthrough]

Thanks Sandpiper.  I grew up loving family time at Christmas and still look forward to it as a time to see my siblings and their families, and that was our tradition.  It was still stressful too though, since my relationship with PDsis and in my family has always been the scapegoat.  That's not a fun way to feel and as a mother, I just can't tolerate it anymore.  We can't see them anyway because of travel restrictions.  In all honesty, enjoying starting some new traditions of our own.  I could do without seeing my dad too, I can only manage him in small doses.  I am realizing I actually slept a lot when I visited my PDsis for Christmas, partly because I was exhausted between my job and kids but I think it was also my body's way of avoiding difficult situations and feeling left out.  This time, I have to prepare for my PDMIL instead, but already planning to hide from her 😬.

[sandpiper]

It sounds like you are on top of it, Breakthrough.
Good on you for protecting your kids from the behaviour & making this a happy time for them.
It's exhausting to have PDFOO - I've been NC with my undiagnosed sister for many years and I can't get through Xmas without flashing back to the worst of her tantrums and wishing that I'd gone NC two decades earlier.
My uBPD MIL died just before the pandemic hit & the sad thing was that everyone felt such a sense of relief that we didn't have to deal with the behaviour. FIL is carrying on the great tradition of demanding to be the centre of Xmas & BIL has done his usual stunt of turning up with his family from interstate on the red-eye flight on XMas eve with 'Sorry I won't be able to get to the shops...Little Brother you'll organise everything won't you? We'll pay you (In our dreams).' I'm using the 'vulnerable/can't risk infection sorry!' Excuse & am enjoying the peace with my books & planning things with FOC for later in the week. This year I've resisted the urge to bake for the in-laws...I invariably resent being roped in to be Party Mom. If they want to turn up and don't bring their own food for yet another Xmas then I am done with indulging that. Happy Xmas - and good luck with the hiding xxx

[Breakthrough]

Thanks Sandpiper.

PDMIL turned out to be very helpful and brought meals and also helped clean up quite a bit.  She did try and ask me about visiting her, to which I redirected to my husband, which she turned into blaming me because my husband won't drive by himself.  She also brought me a gift, they have a business which makes sewn items, and she made me 2 tops, neither are my style and they don't fit.  I actually think they were made for my very tall SIL whom she gets on much better with.  I am already getting ready to donate them with much trepidation, because she had them made, and they are lovely fabrics.  I can't wear them though, so it really is better someone who can does wear them.  My husband said, just donate them.  Yet another task I don't have time for, but so it is.  I bought them a digital picture frame so we can send pics of the kids (without me having to text her).  It cost just under $200.  Not that the money matters much, but this is typical, I get them something thoughtful and expensive and she gets me something as a complete afterthought.  I honestly think she got me nothing and just split the gift she had made for my SIL last minute.  There were several years I got them nothing because I left it up to my husband who got them nothing.  We didn't see them at Christmas, so it was ok.  This time, hosting them for the holidays, so I made sure to get them something similar to what I would get for my parents.  (Which is what I did for the first several years of my marriage, until I realized how terrible a gift giver my MIL was, and also realized that she didn't even use the gifts I got her, so it felt like a waste all around).  I honestly bought her the nicest leather bag, and have never seen her use it once I want to ask her for it back 🙄.

We spend a lot and also paid for everything while they were here, I think they were appreciative and they spent a lot on plane tickets to get here, so I felt it was the kind thing to do as hosts.  This was for BIL and his family too.  I am sad they are gone, but I also need some time to recover and clean my house before I go back to work, so it's okay.  It was some good time talking with my SIL at times, so that was good, she has been cold to me in the past, so I killed her with kindness, she and BIL were also very helpful, overall it was a good visit.  My girls had a great time playing with their cousins, and I loved having them here and spending time with them. 

I didn't have much time to talk to my family, which makes me sad, but I did say hi quickly to all of them over FaceTime, eventually.  Overall a great Christmas, my children were so happy, which is what is most important to me.