"retroactive jealousy"

[hoardingisthenewblack]

Hi everyone,

New to this forum. I did a "search" and couldn't find any other posts about this. But I wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced what I think is termed "retroactive jealousy" with their BPD partner. My uBPD husband is retroactively jealous of my past relationship, and it is bad. I've only been in three serious relationships, with my husband being my longest and most recent. But he just is stuck on the person I was with before him. It is just eating away at him. And I am at a loss as to what to do or say in response to when he unloads on me.

Any advice (or empathy) is much appreciated.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this supportive and informative site. You have found a good place.  Please read around the toolbox tab, you might find some suitable strategies to better protect yourself.
As for your question. There is absolutely nothing you can do about your past. You might regret now telling your h about it and you might wonder what else you should not tell him in order to avoid that he uses this information against you. There is nothing that you have to feel guilty about. If he wanted to find a woman who had never ever dated before, he should have chosen someone else. In future, when he brings up the topic, you might consider employing medium chill and say something like -" I am sorry you feel that way." or "I can see that this bothers you." and then you change the topic or move away.  The more you engage, explain, apologize, justify - the more he will use this against you. He might want to cut you down to size, or enjoy seeing you feel insecure or deflated - whatever his motives are,  no need for you to co-operate.

[1footouttadefog]

This is a problem that might indicate much more is beneath the surface.

His motives could be many as could be the underlying insecurities.

A pd is often jealous of what others have experienced.  Travel, jobs, sports accomplishments.  These likely hit close to home where they did not achieve or get recognized as they feel they were entitled to be recognized, or honored, or loved.

I will toss out that this may be about your past, but at the same time about his present.  For example if felt trapped in the marriage while desiring a new  relationship he could hyper focus on relationships you had besides him.

His feelings are his own. That you had previous relationships should be data, his feelings beyond that are his own.  As another pointed out by another , he could have limited his courtship to women who had not dated.

[11JB68]

My Updh has had this as well. I threw out my hs year book after he raged about a photo in it of me and my hs bf.
However he is also jealous of imagined relationships I might have... All false but...
Imo at least in my relationship, it's mostly a matter of control for him

[losingmyself]

Oh, my uPDh is jealous of EVERYTHING. Past, present, future, fictitious, famous, young, old, male, female, whatever. I can not say anything to the effect that a person is attractive

[livinginmyhead]

Mine was even jealous of hobbies I had and books I read.

[Boat Babe]

Yes, furious at anything that takes your attention off them, no matter how innocuous. That's why JADE doesn't work btw. Toxic and bonkers.

[escapingman]

Interesting discussion.

My uNPDw accused me of cheating with a girl before I had even met my wife to be. I am also being told that one of my oldest female friends has had a crush on me forever and therefor I should never see her. I was also accused for having lent money to an old girlfriend (3 years before I met my wife) and she actually demanded me collecting them straight away so she could have them instead. How could I be so blind?

[losingmyself]

I was listening to either Kris Godinez or Dr. Ramini the other day, and they were talking about how PD, mostly narcs, don't feel 'love', so therefore, any emotional attachment to anyone could only be sexual in nature.
Kris also had a very interesting talk this Sunday (6/27) on our bonds to people with PDs, and how it's exactly like an addiction, our brains supply us with chemicals when we're in the relationship that our bodies actually get addicted to, and that's why it's so hard to leave.
I recommend listening to her on YouTube. Sorry, went off topic.
But, I have to say it, her message is always SELF ESTEEM. It's not easy, but we can do it if we work on it.

[Oscen]

I think this is normal for pwPDs. A "normal" person might feel jealous because they're insecure about themselves and believe that a current partner might be tempted by someone else ie, they're afraid of losing the love they have now (I do believe a very small smattering of sexual jealousy can be within the range of healthy behaviour, provided it's accompanied by self-responsibility and awareness). However, a PD person approaches their partner with a need to dominate and control, so any relationship or experience that the partner has had outside the PD person ever  is a threat, because it undermines the PD person's central, dominant role in the partner's life.

It's not only partners; my mum was like this. If I started talking about friendships I'd made in my twenties, she didn't listen and immediately brought it back to friends I had in high school for instance, when she was able to completely control my social life and knew everyone in it. I wasn't allowed to grow beyond her. She was also convinced that she knew everything about me, and if I didn't reveal every detail of my life to her on demand, then she'd get irritable. But if I talked about an area of my life she didn't know about and couldn't get involved in, she'd get irritable too, and of course show no interest before changing the subject. No respect or healthy sense of individuality, because she was so threatened by the idea of me being a separate entity beyond her control.