Feeling stuck and frustrated

[athene1399]

Sorry I have not been on here a lot lately. I cannot remember the last time I posted in this specific section.

Anyway, my uPD sister finally moved out and got her own place. That has been a relief to me, however, she is not talking to me and per uPD M, this is my fault and I need to fix it. I need to, per M who talked to sis, apologize for throwing out freezer burned food sis left at my house. I think it sat I the freezer for over a month before I chucked it.

My issue is, I feel I don't need to apologize. I also am sick of M pinning this on me. I have also told M that I continue to text sis and she's the one who isn't responding and I can't fix that. M wants me to try harder.

I am not sure what I am looking for here. I think I just want to be heard. I should enforce a boundary with M, but I also feel avoidant and just want to distance myself from all of them for the time being. I just feel stuck and frustrated...

[Sneezy]

The relationship between you and your sister is none of your mom's business.  The relationship between you and your mom is none of your sister's business.  And you get to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with each of them.

Not sure if this will work, but the next time your mom tries to tell you what to say to your sister, maybe try something like "ok, mom, well I'm sure we'll figure it out between the two of, no need for you to worry about it."  And if that doesn't work, use Woman Interrupted's line - "can't talk about it now, gotta go mom, the dog's on fire."

Good luck 

[MarlenaEve]

Sorry I have not been on here a lot lately. I cannot remember the last time I posted in this specific section.

Anyway, my uPD sister finally moved out and got her own place. That has been a relief to me, however, she is not talking to me and per uPD M, this is my fault and I need to fix it. I need to, per M who talked to sis, apologize for throwing out freezer burned food sis left at my house. I think it sat I the freezer for over a month before I chucked it.

My issue is, I feel I don't need to apologize. I also am sick of M pinning this on me. I have also told M that I continue to text sis and she's the one who isn't responding and I can't fix that. M wants me to try harder.

I am not sure what I am looking for here. I think I just want to be heard. I should enforce a boundary with M, but I also feel avoidant and just want to distance myself from all of them for the time being. I just feel stuck and frustrated...

Hi Athene. I know what you mean about being stuck and frustrated. I hear you. I'm also stuck with them in full contact however, most times I'm somewhere else emotionally/mentally. A PD and a non-PD is a tough combination. We can see the forest from the trees and how truly out of touch with reality they are (sometimes they shock me how out of touch with everything they are) and that's why the frustration comes. It's an abnormal way to live so for us to experience this is just not good.

[JollyJazz]

Hi athene1399,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. It doesn't sound like you need to apologize either.

As Sneezy said, the relationship between you and your sister isn't your mother's business. This sounds like triangulation/ganging up. If it helps, please believe me that you aren't alone in experiencing these things. I know that feeling of being trapped by the F.O.G. For me keeping up the self growth / help was the way out.

I think a boundary is a good idea. Just being 'too busy' and avoiding is also all good if it keeps you safe. I'm glad that you have your space back.

[Cat of the Canals]

"Try harder." Ugh. PD mom raised me to think I simply needed to "try harder" to resolve any conflict that came my way, regardless of whether or not said conflict had anything to do with my behavior at all. It took me most of my life to unlearn this completely toxic nonsense.

Remember the 50% rule. You've made your attempt to return to normalcy (your 50%). Your sister refuses to accept that (her 50%). There's not really anything to be done then, and the suggestion that you should placate your sister is just your mom playing the enabling game.

If she's PD as well, then it tracks that she'd want to reinforce the notion that it's athene1399's job to go above and beyond to fix the family drama. She wants you on the hook for the next time she wants a turn at stirring things up. But if you suddenly start enforcing boundaries, then she'll be up a creek along with your sister.

I would listen to the part of you that is telling you to take a little break. Sometimes the best way to reinforce a boundary is to remove yourself from the situation.

[athene1399]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and helping me to feel less alone. I tried explaining the 50% rule to M before and kind of said if sis doesn't respond that is on her. That is when I got the "try harder because you know how your sister is". It was very invalidating. Maybe that is what is making me most upset. The invalidation is all too familiar. But instead of focusing on them, I need to focus on myself. I am doing the 50% rule just fine. If sis doesn't want to talk back, that is on her and is also none of M's business. I thought I was getting better at not getting put in the middle, but here I am and only I can remove myself. I felt so powerless, but removing myself is powerful and it will resolve things for now. I put a lot of effort into popping by family events where sis would be and nothing has changed. I need to focus on me. Thank you everyone!

[bostonbound]

Yep, my dad tries to come in between my sibling's and my relationship AND thinks I should always support her over them if there is an issue between them...triangulation! 

[athene1399]

I really should work on asking myself "is this triangulation " before deciding how to respond to these situations. Then I'd be more likely to analyze and think with a clear head instead of reacting to my emotions and keeping the cycle going.