Relationship spiralling out of control.

[Yoyocait]

I say whilst in a relationship - He ended it this morning after sending me help sheets for me to sit with my jealous and controlling behaviour.

It's driving me insane.
His perception of control is me trying to limit his alcohol consumption- he currently drinks 50 units a week and refusing to take his medication. Me Making sure he's eating enough, because he is currently on some obsessive exercise and diet regime because a few people have complemented him on his weight loss - which has been induced by stress, alcoholism and refusing to eat food when angry. Apparently I'm a feeder.

(Which is particularly triggering for me as I had an eating disorder 15 years ago. He knows this and I'm certain he's doing this on purpose too)

I think he's smearing me already, but there's also every chance he's lying about it in order to make me feel bad and gain power in the relationship by telling me everyone knows and thinks I'm a toxic nasty person.

We've also had "the therapist prefers me" etc. Which I don't believe is the case. She was wonderfully impartial - thank god.

He also outfight stated he is the victim of this relationship, that he'd "been up all night confused as to how he's let himself become the victim of an abusive relationship."

I can't even shake my head in disbelief anymore. He actually believes this. He believes he is perfect, it's terrifying,

Thank you so much for listening Simon. Your patience and care really mean a lot to me.

I'm so broken right now.

[Simon]

Oh wow!
So much projection and baiting coming from him.

It sounds like you're understanding that he's lying to make you feel bad and gain power, so that's good, although I know that doesn't take away the pain.
It is a good milestone though.

As for the projection, being accused of being the abuser through a smear campaign, either during or after the relationship, is something we're all very familiar with.
It's their go-to, and it helps them play the victim.

It's also useful when they are trying to snare their next victim ("My ex was crazy/jealous/borderline/narcissist!")
My ex told me many stories of her ex's, and my sympathy for her helped get me hooked.
As time went on, and the stories got more extreme and contradicted earlier stories, I started to see them for what they were. (They're not really that bright, are they?  )

And it is amazing that they believe the nonsense they come up with.
And that's where it's difficult for us to fully understand it.
It really is a severe mental deficit.

Here's a video that I thought might be useful.
I had it in my bookmarks because it was very enlightening when I was first discarded.
Through a very cute animation, it shows the Idealise/Devalue/Discard cycle, and afterwards discusses the same process from a neuropsychological point of view, which backs it up 100%.
It's not long (about 10 mins)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tb3NqCBNus

One other thing I would suggest is to watch/read as much about the Grey Rock method as you can.
If he is baiting you, trying to get a reaction out of you, make you feel bad by saying things to trigger you, you can bet he's watching closely for your reaction and that he's getting off on that.
If you can learn to respond to his comments without emotion and without reacting, then you strip away all his power.

It sounds difficult, but it can be picked up pretty quickly, especially once you start seeing him getting frustrated because you're not getting upset or reacting negatively.
This will be all the proof you need that he is just playing with your emotions, and that's not something someone with a healthy mind would do.

Good luck Cait.

[moglow]

With all sincerity - let him feel like a victim and please stop trying to explain yourself. He's chosen his stance here, likely chose it before you realized. That doesn't make either of you right or wrong, you just made different choices. You chose to fight for this relationship the best way you knew. He did not. What he says or does is all on him, not a reflection on you at all. Take a deep breath and decide what you need to do next. FWIW, I would recommend not dragging it out or trying to kowtow to him, take on more abuse in the process. He made a decision and had told you what that is. Plan accordingly - if you havent already, may need to start looking for a place to live.

[moglow]

Yoyo, My response above felt unduly harsh and I'm so sorry! I have the advantage of distance and detachment, and I understand you don't right now. I'm very sorry if I added insult to injury. We're here with you and have been where you are, know I'm not meaning to downplay the pain you're feeling.

[Yoyocait]

I've watched the video thank you. It upset me, but I needed it. It was almost exactly how things have panned out.

He has now left and gone back to his family home. He has done this many times before but today I feel much worst about it. Lots of his belongings are still here and he keeps telling me to throw them in the bin. That he never wants to talk to me again after today, his mum hates me (he's in his mid 30s) and then all the usual vitriol.  I think I'm finally coming to the realisation it over and that it's going to cause me severe pain for a long while.

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to feel better Simon?

I wish I was one of those bounce back types, but I'm not.

Moglow - I welcome harshness please don't worry about how you come across, I'm here to listen at all times. I know that you're trying to help me and I appreciate it.

It really upsets me to see him insist he's the victim. But it seems that's something I need to make peace with otherwise it's going to eat away at me. Because he will keep doing this for as long as I let him.

I hope I can say in 24/48/72 hours I remained strong and nothing else has happened. 

Thank you,
Cait.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Cait, Im sorry that you have had to experience this. I really know just how you feel.

After a while, you will understand that him dumping you in such a cruel way is actually a blessing.  I know that's not how you are feeling right now but I promise you that one day you will be grateful.

May I suggest you find a good therapist if you don't already have one and if you can afford it. I went into therapy after the worse year of my life with a really malevolent narcissist because I never wanted to go through that again and I needed to understand why I stayed as long as I did. The two years of therapy that followed totally transformed my life (not overnight but it was the beginning of much better times for me).

Also, please be very very kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Don't hit the bottle or recreationals. Both of these will make things worse for you. Do eat well, walk in the sun and try to sleep. You physical health underpins much of your mental health.

Lastly, be aware of the hoover. This is when an abuser comes back to you, promising that they have changed and your wounded heart forgives them in an instant. Thing is, nothing, nada, zip will have changed, you will suffer further, invariably worse abuse, and then he'll leave again or you will finally pull the plug on the relationship. And be exactly back to where you are today, but worse.

All of us here totally get you and we are here to support you as you navigate through the pain and out the other side. Sending love and courage.

[Simon]

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to feel better Simon?

Of course I don't mind.

For me though, it was different.
Because of her constant bad treatment of me, I went grey rock, and distanced myself emotionally from her, in the hope that she would finish with me (even at that stage, my co-dependence was still trying to make it easy for her by having her finish with me, rather than me finish with her).
I wasted a few months of my life waiting for her to finish with me, which I regret to this day (of course, she spent this time grooming the person who would replace me!)
In that time, because she could sense I wanted out, I had to put up with "I love you so much!", after no affection for months, and pet names like babe and sweetheart suddenly reappearing too.
Sickening.

My point is, by the time I was finally discarded, I had actually started to resent her, because of the way she treated me, and was still treating me.
A couple of days before the discard, she woke up and saw that I wasn't there in the bed beside her.
She found me asleep on the sofa, and I told her that I must have dozed off after she went to bed, but the truth was that I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as her.
That's the state our relationship was in at that time.
I had given all the love, energy and time that I could to her, and I'd finally hit my limit.

So the fact that you still have feelings for him make it a little different.

Personally, I woke up in my own double bed the day after the discard, stretched my arms and legs out (think star jump  ) and actually sighed with relief out loud. It felt great.

BUT.....

That was the only time it felt easy.
I'm not one of those bounce back types either.
I put my heart and soul into everything, including relationships, and it's normal to grieve a relationship, even if it's a sour one with a personality disordered husk of a person.
So, although I didn't want to be with her, far from it, the emotional flashbacks were still painful.
When you commit to someone, and make future plans, and they suddenly switch you off and move on like you never existed, it's a loss and a betrayal.
It's bound to sting, even if you don't want to be with them anymore.

And to answer your question, for me, I started to feel better after a couple of months (by better, I mean the flashbacks were happening less and less every day by then).
I know a couple of months sounds like a long time, but it's not really.
You just need to stay strong, and it will pass quicker than you think.

Watching plenty of videos on the subject helped a great deal too.
There are a lot of different people out there talking about BPD/NPD on YouTube.
Some of them good, some of them not so much.
I'd recommend finding 2 or 3 of them that you like to listen to, and make a habit of sitting down and watching a couple of episodes with a cuppa.
And when you're feeling particularly down, go back to them and watch them again.
It helps cement that knowledge that it's not your fault, that it's a pretty common mental illness, and that people do come out the other side and live better lives.

I should say that in those videos you'll hear people saying that you need to take care of yourself, and focus on yourself, keep fit, etc, and it sounds so cliched, but it's so true.
I remember watching them and thinking "Yeah, that's easier said than done!", but at some point, it clicked and I jumped into action.
Despite lockdown, I made sure I went running at least a couple of times a week.
I made sure that I was eating healthily, and that I was working out enough.
I mentioned in another thread a little while back that I got back into playing the Piano (and even the guitar got some attention), something that my ex never gave me time for.
I expanded my cooking abilities, experimenting with all sorts of spices. I even like garlic now, and cook with it often. Never liked it before!

The thing is, putting my focus on me and the things that are important to me gave me the boost I needed to minimize the emotional flashbacks, and the occasional cognitive dissonance where I'd stupidly wonder if it was my fault, or if I could have done more!
Again, it sound like a cliché, but as many on this forum will attest to, working on yourself is the best medicine.

One last thing (I hope this post isn't too long. I tend to do that!).
I'm a pretty calm, level-headed kind of guy.
I'm spiritual, but not religious, and I meditate quite often.
I'm really relaxed, and easy going.
Yet, while I was with my BPD ex, I found myself being very anxious for no apparent reason.
Even sat watching the TV with her, I found uncomfortable.
In previous relationships, somethings as simple as that was enjoyable, but I couldn't enjoy it with her.
There was an underlying....uncertainty I suppose, whenever I was with her.
There was always a high probability of drama or problems.

My normal relaxed self turned into someone whose nerves were on edge if someone knocked the door.
I found myself very anxious, and my stomach used to talk (you know, burble out loud).
I've never been like that in my entire life.
Life doesn't affect me like that.
But after a year with her, that's exactly what I was.
Good news is, as soon as I got away from her, it all returned to normal.
No more stressing, no more anxiety, and no more burbling!
I'm my old self again.

So that's what you have to focus on and look forward to.
Being the best person you can be, for you, not for someone else.

Take it one day at a time, and realise that you had a life before you met this guy, and you'll have one after him.
And like BB said, beware the hoover.
Fingers crossed, it hasn't happened to me yet (have no interest in her at all, but would rather do without the hassle), but if yours comes back hoovering, he'll tell you everything that you want to hear, but a couple of weeks later he'll be back to normal because they have no intention of changing.
If you do go back, it just tells him that he can do what he wants, and you'll always take him back.

I really wish you luck.
I know it's not easy, but it does get better every day, and before you know it, you won't even remember the last time you thought about him.

One careful step at a time. 

[Yoyocait]

Thanks again for your kind messages.

There has been no hoovering. Just lots of hopelessness mixed with silence. Which always has me worried he will revert to self harm or worse.

I wish I was at the resentment stage it would feel much easier.

I initially wanted to make it work, even while being at my absolute limit emotionally. To then have someone leave and tell you, you're the problem is really upsetting. It makes you wonder if you are in some way the cause.

I'm glad I have the support here to steer me away from that mindset. Never apologise for the long messages, they are really helpful to me. I'm sure they're also really helpful to others reading who aren't yet ready to tell their story.

I'm going to watch some more clips today and get some fresh air in between.

I'm so glad you found peace and enjoyment in things afterwards. It gives me hope that I too might get there one day.

At present the house is littered with memories and belongings and it feels like ive got the biggest hill still to climb.

I have therapy this afternoon and I'm meeting my sister for dinner this evening.

I hope you all have a great day.
Cait

[Yoyocait]

Trigger warning - Self Harm.


Hi everyone,

I'm struggling again today.

There is more power play but it's not "hoovering" as such.

Because he has a past history of suicidal ideation and self harm, I naturally worry about him.

He has also said things in the past like
"If this relationship is over, I'm not going to be around for much longer" which has inevitably had an impact on me.

Around 6 weeks ago after an argument, he left in his normal manner - I'm leaving, it's over and I deserve better than you. After me trying to calm that down, I let him leave and  that evening he cut his arms.

Only I know that this happened. His friends and family do not and I feel guilty. Even though logically I know I haven't caused his condition or his pain.

So back to current day - He's in a hotel.
I know without asking he's drinking absurd amounts of alcohol and I'm worried he's engaging in other risky behaviour.

He knows I am worried about this. He is refusing to go home, deleting and reactivating social media, blocking my friends and acquaintances, blocking and unblocking me on his mobile and deleting WhatsApp.

I don't know if this is for attention.
A serious cry for help.
Emotional manipulation directed at me.
Or disordered thinking.

He keeps texting "I'm safe" "I'll be fine" and other phrases similar but the words don't match the actions of someone who is safe or fine.

I'm genuinely worried.

I think in this scenario I'd rather be on the receiving end of emotional manipulation than him having a crisis.

For a week of peace, I'd welcome someone new for him to idealise - as much as that would hurt me - so I can break out of this abusive cycle free from the guilt he has placed on me.

[Simon]

Sorry to  hear this Cait.
It must be awful for you.

This is why I was so glad that my BPD ex GF monkey-branched to someone else, because it meant I "probably" wouldn't have to put up with something like this happening.

In all the articles and books that I've read recently, and videos I've watched, the consensus is that if someone is threatening Suicide or hinting or acting that they might, the best thing to do is call the police and let them know where he is.
(I haven't looked, but I expect that that same advice is stickied somewhere here on these forums).

It's really difficult for us to give advice on something like this, because it really isn't our call, but it does seem the best action.
If they are serious, then they will get the help they need.
If they are manipulating, which is most likely, then they learn not to use suicide threats to manipulate you in the future.

There are consequences for this of course.
You say his Mum hates you, so she may not be happy about them being called, but to be honest, if he is threatening this behaviour, she should really thank you (but probably won't).
Truth is, and I've seen examples of this talked about online, the parents of someone with BPD usually do hate their child's partner if they split, because it means that they are once again responsible, to some degree, for them.
You handed back the hot potato, and they really wish you hadn't.
Don't forget, they had decades of bringing this guy up with his mental disorder.
When someone comes along and takes them off their hands, I expect they party!

I've often thought that if my ex decided to try and get back with me when her current relationship implodes by using this threat, that I would be strong enough to do what I've read and seen, and call the authorities...but sometimes I wonder if I could do it. I hope so.
It's a big decision.
It does send a direct message to the abuser though, saying that you refuse to be manipulated.

Below I have listed a few videos on the subject, which I hope will help you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kNHFUTS9hY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfB1Q_LdhcM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jd3kTSaGqw

Another video by AJ that you should probably watch, but maybe not right now, as it's not about suicidal ideation, but an important video nonetheless.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6L4S_03zF0

I wish you luck Cait.

[Yoyocait]

After worrying for 5 days straight, it appears he's now out for drinks with yet ANOTHER woman.

When will I learn that this is manipulation at its finest - telling me he needs to be institutionalised because he feels so bad, having me lose sleep, have 5 days of nightmares, no food and constant anxiety for him to brush it off to get a gin and tonic with the next pretty girl who shows him an ounce of attention.

I'm starting to think I'm the one with the problem for putting up with this emotionally abusive behaviour for so long. Sigh.

[Simon]

And the worst thing is, if he ever finds out that you were worried out of your mind for 5 days, not eating properly or sleeping, stressed out worrying about him, etc, he will get a huge buzz out of it.
PDs are very sadistic. It's another way they get supply.
"Ooh, look how ill she made herself worrying about me. How great am I?"

And yes, you are still deep in the fog.
People outside the relationship, like us on this forum, can see quite clearly what's going on, and what your future holds for you if you stay with this person, but no matter how many times we tell you, or point out the obvious, it's still going to be difficult for you to hear.

The same co-dependence that got you into an abusive relationship is going to keep you stuck there for longer than you should be.
It's not your fault.
It's how it works.

And the pain and the worry and the chaos and the batshit crazy times that you go through are unfortunately required, because it's the only way that you will come to the inevitable conclusion yourself, but at least at that point, you can start to get your life back.

There are people on this forum who stay with their PD spouse/partner, and accept that their life is subservient to their other half, and that they are willing to sacrifice happiness, freedom, peace, and some would say, their soul, just to avoid being alone, and come on here and let off steam secretly.
Personally, I don't think that's any kind of life.
If you can't spend your life connected to your partner, you and them against the world, with each always having the other's back, and instead finding that they are in fact your biggest enemy (if not now, they will be someday), then what's the point of being with them.
They get an easy ride through life, while you take all the strain and make all the effort.

Someone said recently on this forum that the reason some of the older people on this forum are still with their abusive partners is because they didn't have the Internet back in their day, at least not as useful as it is today, so they didn't have access to this sort of information.
I get that, and I totally agree, but that creates 2 points.

1. There is absolutely no reason for anyone in a recently new relationship these days to sacrifice their life to someone who will not do right by them, abuse them, cheat on them, constantly lie to them, talk about them and smear them, use them, etc. The information is out there in many mediums, all available for free.

2. There is no need for anyone who has been in a long-term relationship with an abuser/PD, and didn't have access to this information at the time, to stay with an abuser, because now you do have access to that information, and it's been around on the Internet for 10+ years, and at least 5 years on YouTube. I know that there can be extenuating circumstances, like children or finances entangled etc, but these are still not reasons to stay. They're just reasons to plan your getaway very carefully.

The way I see it, we were all duped by the person to start with because we didn't know better.
I got away because I emotionally withdrew because of the abuse, and she got bored because I didn't react and still showed her how much I enjoyed my life. That was a no-go for her.
Others get away because they work out what they are whilst they are in the relationship, and work hard to stay away and better themselves.

But once we have the knowledge...the proof of who they are and what they are, then we are no longer being duped. We are complicit!
We are making a conscious decision to stay with them, with all the information at hand.
At that point, we cannot blame the Personality Disordered person.
We are choosing to be lied to, cheated on, emotionally abused, etc.
We don't then get to blame the abusive person.
If I walk out in front of a car today, on purpose, I don't then get to blame the driver for my broken bones.
Strange analogy I know. It was the first thing that popped into my head.

Which brings me back to my earlier point.
No-one can pull someone else Out of the FOG.
We can give them info and all the vocal support they need, but ultimately it comes down to the individual finally getting through the Cognitive Dissonance.
And it is painful, and it is sad that this person isn't who they pretended to be, but the truth is that the Personality Disordered are scared little children who are in survival mode, and while we should be somewhat sympathetic to anyone in that state, we shouldn't get too close because they will bite, and they won't care how much they damage you when you become the enemy and a threat to their survival (that's how they see it, all day, every day).

Sadly Cait, I think you are still going through the process of seeing him for who he is, and each time you convince yourself that he not this or that, and he wouldn't do this or that, you find out that he is, and he would, and you hurt again.
No amount of him coming back and saying all the right things, all the things you want to hear, is going to change his mental illness.
They don't change, and the only variables are us.

Hope this last situation with him has opened you eyes a little more, and that you find a bit more strength.
Good luck.

[Boat Babe]

 

All of it.

[Yoyocait]

I'm really trying but it's still exceptionally raw.

I have no intentions of getting back into a relationship with him. His belongings are boxed ready for their departure.

I just feel very hurt still.
Every time I feel like I'm getting there, something else happens ( which does cement the break up) but it also makes me feel worse again. Because I've been emotionally invested for so long, it's hard to turn a blind eye to something that is painful.

I wouldn't dream of jumping into a relationship until I'd fully healed from this one.

Thank you for consistently helping me.
I'm so grateful for you all.

I am listening to every word you say and finding a small grain of strength with each day.

[Simon]

I'm really trying but it's still exceptionally raw.
....
I just feel very hurt still.
Every time I feel like I'm getting there, something else happens ( which does cement the break up) but it also makes me feel worse again. Because I've been emotionally invested for so long, it's hard to turn a blind eye to something that is painful.

I totally understand what you're saying.
I was only with my ex for about a year, and it was those first 3 or 4 months where I thought I'd finally found someone I'd like to settle down with.
The rest of the time was a nightmare, that slowly pushed me away, and made the discard a relief more than anything.
Of course, then the real pain starts.
The emotional flashbacks whenever a certain programme came on the tv, or a certain record came on.
They never made me want to be with her, just made me remember what I thought I had, which is painful.
But like you, it also cemented my dislike for her each time I felt that way.
The emotional flashbacks do calm down, and almost disappear, although I remember reading that and thinking "Yeah? When?".
I'm sure that's were you're at right now. It's really raw.

I also felt embarrassed, and still do to this day, for letting someone fool me so easily, and so often.
I sometimes wish she was smart, so I could make excuses to myself about how I was fooled, but she really wasn't smart (quite the opposite).
I think I just wanted to believe what I'd found was true, and they know people think like this.

I read something on the subject a while ago where someone said something very true, and it's a good way of looking at it.
Can't remember who said it, but it was "BPDs and NPDs don't choose shitty people. They choose nice people. People who are caring and giving, and know how to love."
If you think about it, it's true.
It's why they chose us.
They knew we would let down our defences and let them in because we are trusting people.

So take some comfort in the fact that you are a good person, and that your heart is in the right place.
I know I do when I look back and feel a little embarrassed.
We get to move on and become even better people, and they continue to be stuck in an endless loop of lies, cheating and putting on one mask after the other, for the rest of their lives.

One of the hardest things that I had to face up to at the end was that they never really invested in the relationship.
I can see it now, but for some reason, I couldn't then.
I guess they don't call it a trauma bond for nothing!

Every time I feel like I'm getting there, something else happens

I've quoted that part again because I think we can all relate to that one.
We've all been there, and occasionally feel it again from time to time.

OK, I've talked long enough! 

Stay strong. 

[Yoyocait]

I thought I'd provide a final update here.

My ex was admitted into a hospital facility. As a result of this I decided to give things another go. I didn't want to be the person who left when he was having a genuine crisis. He was extremely suicidal and I was absolutely terrified he was going to self harm and end his life. 

I spoke to psychotherapists who explained his behaviour was a trauma response relating to abandonment and his behaviour leading up to this was what they term "splitting" I was advised to keep reinforcing my love, care and commitment.

Obviously, he lapped this up and responded with negativity, more demands, blame and abject refusal to take any blame whatsoever for our relationship.

I started to message an acquaintance who was also diagnosed with BPD for help. I had missed my period at this point and was certain I was pregnant.

I didn't tell him at the time as he was being so flat and abusive towards me. I asked about his feelings and he said he didn't love me but he also didn't hate, detest or resent me. That was as much as I got.

He told me to only contact him to ask how he was and to not talk about my feelings because he was not ready to discuss them.

I messaged the girl with BPD once again to ask for more information on splitting and how to manage, she was lovely and sent lots of information and offered to meet in person if I was really struggling.

I came off social media and attended lots of therapy to cope.

He continued to be abusive to me, demanding I post his aftershave and other items - I ended up sending 6 parcels to his mother's address because he wouldn't tell me where he was located or any information so I couldn't have any updates from the nurses on his condition. It was the worst kind of hell. I can't put into words what that feels like.

He finally agreed to discuss the relationship when he left the facility and I started to get severe stomach pains. I believe I had an undiagnosed miscarriage at 7/8 weeks as a test the day later showed a faint positive line and my period and the pain were both excruciating for 48 hours.

I didn't tell him the full story incase he said something nasty. I told him I thought I might have been pregnant but my period came and he as good as dismissed it.

He has been out of the mental health facility 3 weeks now.

Last week I found out via a podcast that the person who was giving me advised is now dating him and she's crossing her fingers everything is going to work out. She hasn't got any whiff of a red flag, and although they were both terrified at first she believed her boundaries will enable this relationship to flourish.

No red flags - pregnant girlfriend. In a mental institution, also has a severe mental health disorder and alcohol dependency.

My friend owns a business in the area she lives and has seen him in the gym and coming and going from her flat several times so he appears to have moved in 10 days after leaving a hospital in which he was on suicide watch.

I am so utterly broken. I feel manipulated and betrayed on so many levels. Tears come to easy practically every day and even though I can see all the negativity he brought to my life, I still feel devastation.

For the loss of the initial relationship
For the loss of a year of my life.
For the loss my young siblings feel.
For the loss of my pregnancy through stress.
For the loss of who I was before the relationship.

And I hate that I feel so low, when he is living his best fantasy life at my expense.

[Yoyocait]

* Sorry that should've said he's been out of the mental health facility 3 weeks now and still hasn't spoken to me about the relationship as promised. He kept repeating he is not ready as every time I contact him his anxiety spikes and he spirals

[moglow]

Wow. Sometimes we're reminded that words mean nothing when not backed up with anything real. It's just more words, possibly to keep that backup plan around.

Do yourself a favor - wean yourself off asking about or listening to anything about him. If the "friendships" are primarily because of or about him, just say no. You can't heal while you're still digging into it.

For your own sake, don't leave a door open for him. He has made choices here and it's no reflection on you whatsoever. He just doesn't want the same things you do.

Wishing you peace

[Simon]

Hi Cait.
Hope you're doing well.

I don't post on the forums now, but thought I'd make an exception this once (I did send a PM, but I'm not sure if that went through, so repeated it here).

I had a feeling that you might go back with him, despite your posts, but don't beat yourself up about that.
It's par for the course.
Many, many people do the same thing, despite knowing it's the wrong thing for them.
Come to the understanding that it's the Trauma Bond that's causing this, and that it's perfectly natural after what you've been through.

I'm wishing you strength to get through the next set of obstacles, and I hope the video below will help you.
It's a documentary I remember seeing not long after my relationship ended, and it's the stories of a few people who went through a toxic/narcissistic relationship.
It helped me at the time, because a lot of little things were talked about that aren't mentioned in other videos or articles, and I could easily relate to them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfE-u2NzyQw

Remember, don't sell yourself short, and don't settle for someone that doesn't treat you right.

Good luck on your journey.
Simon.

[JustKeepTrying]

I am glad to hear you are in therapy and I hope that it is helping.

Also consider Alanon - a group support for people who have relationships with alcoholics.  I attend one here locally and find it very helpful.

You are stronger than you realize.  You have a deep inner strength within or you wouldn't have found us here, reached out to us or opened yourself up to this great degree.  Granted it is fairly anonymous but there is still a strength there and I admire it.

You are more than him.  More than this relationship.  More than any relationship. 

It is hard to seperate self sometimes and you are seeking answers where you may never get them.  The book "Why does he do that?" may help.  But essentially, it's his problem and his issues and you can't rescue him.  Consider perhaps reading about co-dependece.  There may be some help there for you as well.

I can see that you are trying to move beyond this yet this relationship has messed with you - so try as best you can to move beyond him.  Throw his stuff out and change the locks.  Take definitive steps to move beyond him - don't reach out to him to talk - whatever he says won't help anyway.

You, yoyocait, deserve better than him.