Update from 2 years separation; 2 months into divorce proceedings

[Blackbird11]

Hi Friends,

I haven't been able to sign on in a while but just providing a quick update on where I'm currently at:

Background: Asked uPDh for in home separation after 4 years of marriage (1.5 yrs after finding Out of the FOG - THANK GOD).

He refused to move out of the house until this past November (approx 1.5 years after separation began) - and it took my family helping me to retain an attorney to write up a tentative property/custody agreement, and also giving him a bit of cash in order to get him to move out.

After that, he retained an attorney but refused to engage in amicable mediation for months. I finally filed last month which basically forced him to cooperate. We had our first mediation session a week ago.

I won't get into the weeds on a lot of the details but I would like to vent about the following:

- After spending years plunging us into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt with irresponsible decisions, he is now requesting that I pay off all of the debt in addition to buying him out of the family home - that he put $0 down on to purchase (my family helped us with a down payment).
- Mediation was over zoom. The mediator started with ex's side and when he came to my "room", he said "Wow - you really can't work this out instead of getting divorced?" and "Maybe you could try negotiating with him directly?" Which basically means uPDh turned up the charisma and convinced this man that he's a really nice and reasonable guy, and I had to tell the mediator "sir, if any of that was true I wouldn't be sitting here before you and paying thousands of dollars to my attorney." 

So, yes - I'm broke and at the mercy of my family, and my very understanding boss who once got divorced and was a single mom herself,  just able to get by on my bills; all of my neighbors are still BFF with my soon-to-be-ex and it's kind of awkward to see them look at me strangely for divorcing "such a nice and reasonable guy."; My stbx in laws are all pissed at me; My stbx does the bare minimum as a parent, HAS NOT PAID ANY CHILD SUPPORT and looks for technicalities in the tentative custody agreement in order to reduce his responsibilities as a parent - BUT:

- My home is peaceful
- I have control over my life again
- Stbx and I actually get along now - it's all surface level because of the kid and the fact that he's convinced I'm crazy for divorcing him, and he's also hell bent on showing everyone how great he is and that it was all me.
- He doesn't live here anymore!
- I'm dating now and able to feel like a human again.

There's a lot of guilt I'm holding - in regard to choosing this person and the fact that my family has to help me extricate myself...but I'm trying to do my best to rebuild my life to a place where I can hopefully pay them back (at least partially), and also try to pick healthier relationships moving forward both for my sake and my kid's.

Anyway- that's where it's at. Can't wait until I'm officially free.

Stay strong!!!!

[JustKeepTrying]

Blackbird11

Congratulations!  I am so happy you are free and moving forward in a positive way.

Sorry you had to endure that forced cohabitation.  Nightmare!  But he is now gone!

I am sending you thoughts of life, love and happiness for your new PDfreer future!

[Blackbird11]

Thank you JustKeepTrying!

I cannot emphasize enough how much of a miracle it was that I found this place and all of you. I'm so grateful!

Everyone is at a different part of the journey, but just know there were days I didn't think I'd make it to this place. The emotional piece of detaching from him and our patterns was excrutiating. Also - the mom guilt. But when he started to increase the abuse when my child was in the house, that was it for me.

I have this on my son's wall. I bought it for him but it's really a reminder for me 

Simple truths from Winnie the Pooh! There have been so many nights and days I have sat in my kid's room waiting for him to go to sleep, feeling at the end of my rope, crying and I would just stare at this:

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

YOU ARE!

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you continue to live in peace and that your best life is blooming even as you give this update.

[Jumpy]

As it turns out, I've not been on in more than a year, and I thought I would see how some of the old gang was doing. I was so pleased to see this. Keep it up!

[hhaw]

You seem focused on the important things, BB.

Good for you and stay focused on your joyful, calm household. 

Model good coping strategies and boundaries for your children.

Think how you can use theSTBX's need to be seen as the reasonable nice guy against him.....to settle the divorce.

I suggest showinghow serious you are about settling this by:
1: Asking any future settlement discussions will be attended with the intention of HANDWRITING OUT AGREEMENTS so that document can be signed, stamped and filed THAT very day it's written.

This can be done and anyone interested in settling will agree to it. Anyone interested in dragging their feet will refuse to agree and then it will be clear who's dragging their feet and who's willing to get the settlement over an done with to stay out of the courts.

Have your list of MUST HAVES on hand.Give a copy to your attorney.  Make it understood.... you have your childrens' needs as priority.  You can't fold on certain things if they compromise your children's safety/mental health/good routines.

Make sure the list is more than reasonable.

The next settlement discussion will make it clear.... you aren't the problem.

I find court officers tend to punish everyone in the courtroom, esp the people they feel are forcing the trial.  Sometimes attorneys punish their own clients if they aren't reasonable,IME.

You want to make it clear who you are in this.

That said...... another helpful rule is to NOT cancel any hearing, trial date or conference UNLESS YOU HAVE A FILED and STAMPED AGREEMENT IN YOUR HAND.

That could upset people, bc they want you to cave, give in and let your PD have his way on everything, bc they'll figure out he's pathologically unable to be reasonable eventually.... just keep your list handy and remember....you have an obligation to make decisions that put your children first.  Always...kids first, kids first, kids first. 

The attorneys and court officers will SAY "in the best interest of the children" a lot, IME.  They don't mean it. They know they don't mean it.They want to get out of trial prep and trial badly, so don't be surprised if they start leaning on you  hard to settle and give up things your children absolutely need and YOUneed to have stable lives.

Attorneys are typically willing to force the parent who cares more to do things equalling emotional suicide JUST to scrape their own plates clean of your divorce mess.  That's not good enough.

Stay calm.  Stay reasonable. let the PD show them who he is by remaining calm and child focused. 

It takes a while, but the PD WILL show them who he is, particularly if he pushes this to trial.

Sometimes PDs drag out settlement discussions, agree, spend months wanking around with details then shrug their shoulders and say they decided they want to go to trial after all, so.... think about minimizing expenses through the settlement discussion period so you have resources for trial, is my advice.

Again, that means not canceling hearings or trial dates bc the PD SAYS he agrees to a settlement, bc it's not a settlement agreement until it's signed, filed, stamped and IN YOUR HAND.

Being polite and reasonable while asking for this can be difficult, IME.  You might be accused of being crazy... having to be talked out of a tree, etc.  Attorneys want to believe people won't go back on their word, but PDs DO go back.Often.  You KNOW  this, but you can't bark or snap at your attorney. Just continue offering to sign that hand written agreement at the settlement discussion and get this thing OFF THEIR PLATES. 

You BE the solution. Let the PD attract the attorney's and Judge's ire....... let him be the obvious problem in getting out of the courts.

You can stick to your guns by continually going back to what's best for the children, bc the court officers talk about it a lot.  You'llbe the one walking the walk and talking the talk. Consistently. Patiently.  Waiting for them to SEE what you're dealing with and never ever ever saying I told you so, bc there will likely come a time when you COULDsay told you so....but you'll be kind and compassionate which allows the attorneys to get angry at the PD, who IS the reason they,. the attorneys/settlement people look like arses when you were trying to explain the facts, were dismissed and kept yor mouth shut so the PD could scool them.

Pretend you're speaking to children.....it helps keep your statements short, calm and to the point.It helps you appear helpful and kind, even when you want to rip stupid people's hair out....just treat the dumb things they say as opportunities to educate them,bc there will likely be many opportunities to educate during this divorce, IME.

If I were you, I'd open up the idea of having a settlement agreement soon with everyone agreeing to write it out by hand and sign it right there so you can get it over with.  That puts the ball in the PD's court with you being the one rushing things along and out of court.

You don't want to be the person dragging this out and the PD has already positioned you as THAT person. Lob it back into his court...... and don't cancel anything.

Sometimes trial is the quickest way to get OUT of court with a PD.

Don't fear trial.

This too shall pass and going to court beats dipping around pretending to settle for 9 months then going to court after spending thousands pretending when you KNEW the PD wouldn't sign the dang Agreement in the first place.

OK, I think I wrote that 5 different ways and can release it now.

Good luck, BB

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Great response.....I'm going to use it myself.

[hhaw]

Great response.....I'm going to use it myself.

I really hope you do, Pfnw.

[Blackbird11]

Hhaw - thank you SO MUCH for this advice. You are so right on all counts!

He has been the one dragging this out and has totally positioned me as the "difficult"
one.

I will take your advice on not cancelling anything. My attorney has done that a few times already and we're still in limbo.

Once again, so thankful to have found this place!

[hhaw]

IME it's helpful to appear uber reasonable while herding things into a faster pace than the attorneys feel is necessary.

Attorneys seem to care about making each other's lives more comfortable and extending courtesy to each other than they care about the lives of their client's, IME. 

As I said, if I did...... only talk about things you can document....not about all the nutsy rocksy koo koo crazy PD stuff going on in your life that you CAN'Tprove, bc it just makes you look like the unhinged one.

Craft your theory of the case around your EVIDENCE and make sure you document everything possible in a way you can prove.

If your attorney gets angry at you for not pushing back a courtdate based on stupid promises from the PD and the PD's attorney..... you can suggest something to move things along more quickly.... like sitting down and hand writing out an AGREEMENT for everyone to sign right there.

You want to avoid being seen as a PITA.... as challenging your attorney's authority (many are N's IME) or as the person dragging their feet. 

My first family law attorney cancelled many many things, bc he had his gallbladder out.  THEN my ASPD began cancelling things and I must tell you..... I was already coming out of my skin waiting for something to happen in the courts. 

Please wrap your mind around the fact THIS will take a wile.

You must drop all false notions of getting trhough this quickkly..... it's unlikely to happen that way and having your hopes dashed over and over is more destructive to you mental health than you can possible know...... just accept this won't end quickly.

Accept you will likely have to do ALL TRIAL PREP necessary before the PD signs any Agreement, if he signs at all.

Accept a trial could be your quickest way out of this abyss, and lean into that trial date with all the evidence you can organize and bring to bare in that courtroom, bc......
it's my experience the PDs get a lot of traction with all the lies and chaos manufacture they spin...... it creates a lot of confusion, which seems to follow them like a big black cloud.

Once INSIDE the stark light of a courtroom, the PD's lies don't add up and they can't prove anything (provided you keep your self control in tact and don't draw attention to yourelf with outbursts, snark and defensiveness)

You'll want to proceed as though the PD IS filming and recording you while also doing everything he can to TRIGGER you.

This will all shorten the amount of time, expense and trauma you suffer and you WILL suffer all three.

Knowing you have some power to influence the amount would have helped me SO MUCH, had I known then what I know now.

May all my mistakes help you and your children through this difficult time.

You're mitigating harm to your children, bc protecting them completely is no longer a possibility, IME.

Accept that as truth and do everything you can to gather evidence and SHOW THIS COURT your reality.

God speed, BB11