The anticipation of the abuse is just as bad...

TooLiteral · June 01, 2021, 05:07:59 PM

I have been able to stand up for myself here and there. Especially with sex. How does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when there is anger and passive aggression and guilt in every one of his sentences?

I'm sitting on my couch waiting for him to get home. I know he's upset with me for something that happened 2 days ago. (He wanted risque pics of me texted to him. I said no.) I know how this evening is going to go. Tension. Anger. Fear. Meanness. My nerves are shot already.

So why am I here? Why haven't I taken our son and left? I could go to the women's shelter. Or drive all the way to my mom's house before dark.

It's almost like his actions give me permission to leave. Like I need that extra push before I can say "No, that's enough." I know it will happen. I don't know how bad it will be this time, bit I know it will hurt. It will make me sick to my stomach and terribly angry. I will fear for my life.

Does anyone else do this? Why do I need to be abused MORE before I can go?

square · June 01, 2021, 05:29:12 PM

Hi hon, I hear ya.

bat123 · June 01, 2021, 09:25:38 PM

Hi, TooLiteral. I hear you! I've been waiting 25 years for something "bad enough" to give me a reason to leave. Well, over the years he's shoved me, secretly recorded me, made copies of my private journals, called me terrible names, and threatened to hurt me, just to name a few things. It's never been enough! And when I finally do feel angry enough to get close to maybe leaving, he changes tactics and turns "nice." The only way you'll ever leave is if you finally come to the realization that you're not being treated right and deserve better. Like you really, deeply need to feel that truth. For most of us, our childhoods probably primed us to accept relationships like this. Somehow, we learned that these dysfunctional patterns were normal. Unless we reprogram ourselves (through soul searching, educating ourselves about abuse, getting therapy, practicing meditation, etc) we will stay stuck. After 25 years I'm finally starting to get unstuck. It's very scary, but I feel like I'm on the verge of a new start for myself. I hope you can get there sooner than I've been able to.

JustKeepTrying · June 02, 2021, 12:20:27 AM

I used to say I would never be one of those women who stayed if they were abused.

Now after 32 years of marriage to OCPDxh, I realize the abuse started even before the marriage and I stayed.

To this day there are times I think - should I go back - could he change.

Then I log in here and read through my posts - or look at my journal and say Nope. No way.

It is hard to fight against dissonance sometimes. Hard to stay Out of the FOG. Give yourself moments of peace so you can get in touch with your emotions - and then make your decisions.

notrightinthehead · June 03, 2021, 12:50:02 AM

I have asked myself the same question so many times: How many times to I have to experience the same thing until I finally believe it? Somewhere deep down inside I was always hoping that I would be wrong and all would be 'normal' and we could be a happy family....

ploughthrough2021 · June 03, 2021, 08:34:51 AM

Quote from: TooLiteral on June 01, 2021, 05:07:59 PM
I have been able to stand up for myself here and there. Especially with sex. How does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when there is anger and passive aggression and guilt in every one of his sentences?

I'm sitting on my couch waiting for him to get home. I know he's upset with me for something that happened 2 days ago. (He wanted risque pics of me texted to him. I said no.) I know how this evening is going to go. Tension. Anger. Fear. Meanness. My nerves are shot already.

So why am I here? Why haven't I taken our son and left? I could go to the women's shelter. Or drive all the way to my mom's house before dark.

It's almost like his actions give me permission to leave. Like I need that extra push before I can say "No, that's enough." I know it will happen. I don't know how bad it will be this time, bit I know it will hurt. It will make me sick to my stomach and terribly angry. I will fear for my life.

Does anyone else do this? Why do I need to be abused MORE before I can go?

Hi TooLiteral, in my case, it was the kids that made me stay and put up with my uNPDw. Now that they have all grown and understand the situation, I finally feel free to break up.

Boat Babe · June 03, 2021, 01:40:59 PM

Do you have children Tooliteral?

Free2Bme · June 04, 2021, 09:58:29 AM

TooLiteral,

First, I am sorry for your situation. I believe this must be so painful and difficult to endure and I can understand how your nerves are shot. Be careful what you use as a measuring tool to determine when you make a move to separate yourself from this. When I was in a similar situation, I would keep moving the line and redefining my "enough". This can keep us in a cycle of abuse.

I once read a scholarly article about a study that was done with operant conditioning. I can't remember the details but I think they used a dog in a cage and alternating reward and punishment. Eventually, the dog would not leave the cage even when the cage door was open because the mind of the dog was conditioned to remain within the cage.

A T once told me that I had grounds to leave my H years before, but I wasn't seeing it because I was focused on the present, the future, and the fantasy that it would somehow change. In other words, I had the green light but just didn't realize it yet. Abuse cycles can alter our perception of reality and I stayed in my cage out of fear and baseless hope. Identify what is holding you back and visualize yourself in a better place.

~I wish you safety, clarity of thought, and peace

TooLiteral · July 05, 2021, 06:08:07 PM

Quote from: Boat Babe on June 03, 2021, 01:40:59 PM
Do you have children Tooliteral?

Yes. One child. He's 15 and autistic. My uNPDh has always kept his treatment of me away from our son, but I know he can feel it. But he is the reason I stay.

Gettintired76 · October 04, 2021, 07:25:12 PM

I too have stayed because of my children, one of which is autistic, and of whom she openly abuses me in front of and actually has join in. They are 10,11,&14 she openly uses the 14 ur old as a spy to tell her what me and my family say or do away from her. I to openly told the kid today not to let her use him that way, she wasn't doing him right, at my mother's 83rd b-day party I overheard her screaming and cussing and insulting and name calling them over the phone because they would tell her what she wanted to hear after GC told her something different.