My profession - athiest converted to Christianity

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I'm a lifelong (44 years) athiest and now a converted Christian.

My faith is fledgling and there is a long road yet to travel. But against all odds I crossed that line between "I get the idea but just don't believe" to "yeah, I guess I can believe this."

I understand that a profession of faith is inherently part of this. Not a grand gesture but just a fundamental recognition rather than some personal dark secret.

I'm afraid to do so because of my husband.

He is Christian and, as I've said, I've always been an arhiest. In the last few years he has grown extremely resentful of this. I've always been respectful as an arhiest, and have actively defended believers from unkind and judgmental athiests. And I have never in the slightest tried to "convert" him; I was satisfied with our different beliefs.

But we can hardly speak of spiritual matters because more often than not we will brush upon some view that I cannot endorse enthusiastically enough for his preference. I mean that I can even mostly agree and be satisfied with simply agreeing, but if he senses the slightest unsaid "except" it will upset him and all will be lost.

He also refers to me as evil and is overall just rather wrathful about the entire subject.

I can assure you that none of these pronouncements have brought me even a millimeter closer to my conversion. It would be fair to say it happened entirely in spite of them.

I will, however, credit him for putting me through enough hell to make me look for answers. There were other factors of course, but it seems discomfort can be quite a source of growth.

So for now, it's a personal secret. I know this is not what is expected of me but I'm satisfied taking one step at a time.

I don't know how it will be resolved later but ultimately I'll have to gain courage and set aside my pride.

Today, I'll just start my profession here, with this.

[Andeza]

My take may not be, necessarily, in the majority overall, but my belief is that so long as what is between you and God is real, that is what matters. He knows your heart. 

If your safety is better maintained by leaving certain things unsaid in the home life, then continue in that fashion. It is cruel and unnecessary for your husband to call you evil. What nonsense. He has, in fact, only made this more difficult for you. As Christians we are commanded to walk s Christ walked. Love thy neighbor as yourself. I'm sorry that that unconditional love was not extended to you as it should have been.

[Call Me Cordelia]

How messed up that you can't reveal your Christian faith to your Christian husband! I'm really sorry that's your story right now. And it's amazing you were able to develop faith in the face of such hypocritical "Christianity" in your own home. Discomfort can be an impetus for growth, but when it continually comes from those who are supposed to be unconditionally on your side it's not sustainable, as I think you are already aware.

I'm so glad you shared here, and you will be in my prayers as you discover more of Who the Lord is. Do you have anyone in real life with whom you can safely share?

I too would not worry about a timeline for "coming out" at the moment. This may sound pat, but you can entrust it to the Lord. He is more faithful than we can imagine, and can easily untie knots that are impossible for us.

[SparkStillLit]

I shouldn't worry what your H says. The things you brush up against, you'll never be "enthusiastic" enough. If it were not Christian beliefs, it would be something else where he held you to some ridiculous standard. You know, games you can never win.
Keep your faith, share only where you feel safe, and know that you are very much loved and cherished. There is much love to be found.

[Mary]

That's such a sweet testimony!
I would suggest continuing your individual journey of drawing close to God, and learn of Him from the Bible. Pray for your DH, and eventually, he is bound to notice your peace.
Blessings,
Mary

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Thanks, everyone

[SonofThunder]

Square, welcome to the real 'church' (worldwide body of true believers).  I walked away from the brick and mortar buildings that most refer-to as the church, and walked straight into a direct, one-in-one relationship with my creator, my teacher.  My uPDw is a religious person and I loathe 'religion' as my experiences with it are mostly all organized facades of people going through motions in order to check-off their feel-good list about themselves, in front of others. 

Imo, the real 'church' body of people who have a real, growing relationship with Christ is a much smaller number in the world.  I encourage you to simply focus on learning about your creator and how much he loves you.  It's like discovering a locked chest in your basement and inside are letters written to you from your very old ancestors.  Since they don't physically reside with you to get to know, the only way you can know them, is to study the letters and dig into research about them; about their lives. 

The Bible is this now-unlocked treasure chest of your creators letters to his children.  Enjoy your growing exploration as you get to know your creator.  The ultimate joy will be that we get to meet him one day, and fellowship with others who have been on this same journey.  I keep my journey hidden from my uPDw, because she uses it for self-feeding drama. 

SoT

[Free2Bme]

  

So for now, it's a personal secret. I know this is not what is expected of me but I'm satisfied taking one step at a time.

Keep your secret Square, it's ok.  Don't concern yourself with what is "expected" of you , this is a come as you are party and that is beautifulness.  Anything other than that ie. manmade rules, rituals, etc. are all unnecessary.  This is between you and God, you are only responsible for one soul, your H is accountable for his own soul.

The Bible is the greatest love letter ever written, and many people have read it in 'secret'.   
(I kept my growing faith from my "Christian" updxh, he would only weaponize it and steal my joy.)

There are disingenuous people everywhere in this world, in all organizations, even churches.  When you are ready, find REAL people to whom you can relate to.

[1footouttadefog]

When I have such a struggle, I offer it up to God repeatedly, asking for clarity as to what is next.

God has patience and will endire until I have heard Him or come to know His will in a matter.

In the mean time I avoid those things and choices that are obviously wrong or harmful.

I hope you find you way forward in your Christian walk with clarity, feeling God's presence and peace.

[Mary]

How has it been going Square?

Here's a verse for you from Matthew 11. Praying for your peace.

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Sincerely,

Mary

[square]

Thank you for thinking of me, Mary, and thank you fir the verse.

I read the Bible in chunks and also Christian books. I spend a few days on them and then take a break then go back to it. Soon I will read the New Testament straight through. Old Testament after that. My readings are helping me prepare for the context to understand it all better, and have better questions as I go.

I'm not sure how to apply it all to my life but I started praying. Just to seek guidance and try to understand God's will. I try to keep my heart humble. I doubt anything looks different on the outside. I had long since tried to find kindness in my heart for people including difficult ones. C.S. Lewis was kind enough to explain that you just keep working at it.

The other thing I think about is fortitude. I'm lacking in that. I dislike feeling stress/fear so much that I capitulate on too much. Some of it is fine, but there are times I need to stand. In your verse, Jesus says he is meek in his heart and I think I understand that. But he spoke up to injustice. He did not give in to evil. And to stand up to evil is not meeting evil with evil, but also not submitting to it. We surrender to God. I need to find the calm and center to keep my head up somehow. I can't vanquish evil but I feel I have been too cowed.

Anyway, thanks again for checking in. 

[tragedy or hope]

square,
you are a miracle... in spite of the circumstances, God sees you. That will never change.

There is a situation in the old testament where Hagar; a woman out of wedlock, a servant of Abraham's wife Sarah, had a baby with Abraham. This was at the pressuring of
Sarah (to hurry a promise God gave them for a son).

Sarah and Abe were trying to intervene on God's promise to have a son, so they made their own plan instead of waiting on God.

The woman; Hagar, was in conflict with Sarah.. Sarah forced Abe to send them away.

Desperate, pregnant and ready to die of thirst and starvation, God "saw" her in her distress in the desert, and sent an angel to tell her to go back, that she would have many descendants, he would make sure they were cared for. She later had Ishmael.

God is El Roi, (Hebrew term) for the God who sees. He sees you in this situation. Look for ways he will meet your need. Read the bible ask for wisdom. The bible says God gives wisdom to those who ask for it.

[1footouttadefog]

Reading God's word is always rewarding to me.  I like you do t read every day all the times. I often read a chunk and spend time in application to my life then return a few days later to review and move forward.

I have been enjoying reading through a  hronilogical Bible. It's I teresting to see the sections interwoven this way
For example, I had never connected the books of prophesy with the historical passages this way until now.  Now those scriptures have more meani g as I understand their  Chronological context and the who where and why.

I hope that with time you are able to have others to share your faith walk with.  It's good to have brothers and sisters to lean on and receive both encouragement and gentle correction from.  They don't have to be in a Church building, they are your Church.

[Mary]

Here is a free online graphic novel that is a good overview of the Bible:
https://goodandevilbook.com/english/

Happy reading!