My spouse, my ward.

Started by 1footouttadefog, June 04, 2021, 08:28:00 AM

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1footouttadefog

I have just taken custody of my spouse.  He is now legally incompetent, or a person in need of assistance.

I had to pay a hefty amount of money to post a bond.  His disability social serurity and his half of our rental income  are all money the court wants me to account for.

I have to keep records of how I spend his money and give an accounting to court.

The part that pisses me off is tHt I do the work on the rental houses, mow the lawns, build dog yards, replace dishwashers, replace plumbing, pest control, I was the one who removed the toilets and scraped the old wax rings off and installed new foam seals, and rebut the old lead flanges with new pvc and etc etc.

I was the one who washed windows and recaulk sinks and appplied pest control.

I  unsure at this point if he is allowed to support his wife with "his" money.  I might have to get a job so I can afford to be his guardian.

Or maybe I will need to incorporate a business and rent the houses to business then sublet the as a property manager so that income will be "mine" and offer maid services that he can pay for.

Sigh, so much to learn about all of this.

I  also learning there maybe a lot of overlap between lewey body and Parkinson dementia and pds. 

square

On that last, I just read it last night.

Disorders of dopamine.

Sigh.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Rose1

Woman interrupted 5alked about engaging an elder care attorney.  Worth looking into? I would think your labour is worth a hire fee at market rates

1footouttadefog

I will get it all figured out, it's just annoying that his be if it's are all his but what I actually work for is half his.

So I repair and mow grass and plumb old houses and caulk and paint them and make them good to live in so I can I prove my commu ity and offer an affordable clean home to low income working families and I have to a cpu t for how I spend the MO ey as if I am a thief grafting off a poor old man.


Rose1

Yes, that's ridiculous. He should be covering half the cost and that includes labour.  Is he expected to contribute to living expenses? I would expect that too

hhaw

I can hardly believe this is happening to you, 1foot.

My God.

I do want to say "accounting" for the PD's benefits likely means jotting down how much you spent, if you banked any funds, etc.  I doubt there will be someone breathing down your neck, asking for receipts.

You seem like someone who documents, in any case. 

What kind of care does the PD require?

How are you managing?

I'm so sorry this is happening.





hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Sneezy

Ugh, this sounds like so much work on top of everything else you are doing.  I guess I understand why the court wants an accounting (there are people out there who take advantage of the elderly and the incompetent).  But for someone who is doing all the right things, it just becomes extra work.

As Rose1 suggested, it might be a good idea to talk to an elder care attorney.  A few hours of advice might give you some good tips for making this as simple as possible and also for making sure that you are fairly compensated for your time and work.  If you go this route, look for someone who has experience in guardianships.  Not every eldercare attorney is likely to be well-versed in this aspect of the law.

Good luck and I hope you find some peace and some time to take care of yourself!


Amadahy

Oh, 1foot, I am sorry.  I consulted an eldercare attorney for some of my Nmom's affairs as her poa.  I am able to "charge" $25/hour for services I do for her with a personal services agreement. Surely, as your level of care and responsibility is greater, you can do similar?  In any case, the attorney has been worth the peace of mind.  I wish you the very best.
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

practical

My heart goes out to you :hug: Please, try to get yourself some help like others suggested - not just because of the money issue but to also have somebody to give you more general pointers. Is there some kind of Eldercare organisation in your area, where you might get some help and support? As you try to navigate this, don't forget to make some space for yourself, being a caregiver, custodian, plumber, jack-of-all-trades is a lot of hats to wear and responsibility.

uNPD-M was bipolar and had Parkinson's. She was finally declared legally incompetent and was appointed an outside custodian as she didn't want anybody of the family. I wish we had had some kind of attorney or consultant to help us, instead of having to figure it out on our own with research, trial and error and lots of frustration and heartache.

Sending you strength :bighug:
If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

Poison Ivy

This is a good resource in my state (Wisconsin): https://gwaar.org/guardianship-resources

You could look online to see whether there is something similar in your state.

1footouttadefog

I am only a week or so  into a 90 day period before I file the initial report/inventory etc.

I have some time to become versed on it all fortunately. The problem with consulting lawyers, and I have one, is they charge hundreds per hour or a hundred an hour for paralegal.   They of course want to do the work for me at those prices.  They don't seem to be about mentoring me, LOL.


It's more the point of it all, not so much the burden of bookkeeping. 

I have more than 35 years in this and it's like it does not count.  I could have just as easily divorse him and left him to fend for himself. 

I am like a stranger legally, not a spouse.  PD and I have a parent child relationship in reality.

I think I need someone who can help house sit so I can travel a couple times a year.




hhaw

I'm so sorry, 1foot:

You can't get out of the situation.  PD keeps dragging you back in.

Question:. Did you file divorce a while back?

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

practical

Quote from: 1footouttadefog on June 08, 2021, 07:02:41 AM
I think I need someone who can help house sit so I can travel a couple times a year.
Absolutely! And mark your calendar for ME-time every week. Caregiver syndrome and collapse is a real thing.
If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

1footouttadefog

I considered divorse, but to be honest I have too much to loose.  Until recently I had minors to worry about. Custody issues.  Along the way, I gave up my opportu ities repeatedly over the years to make things work when pdh was between jobs or when we moved etc.  School was start and stop. A few times when I was about to embark on something crisis and response.

Then when I gave up I e career I was burnt out I  to go back and finish my degree, we were surprised by a later in life first pregnancy. Once again I shifted gears and reinvented myself to work from home and stay home with the kids homeschooling and raising them.

I dont regret it one bit, but I did not pay into social security for the most part.  I have full health insirance as pdh wife also.

I thought about and was preparing to live separately but married and he started to decline quickly in a dementia like way.

He could not live by himself now.  So I have instead taken guardianship to protect our assets as he was being manipulated finan ially by outside parties.

So imagine having a dementia pd person seeking narc supply by selling his stuff for cheap and worse.

So sad.

I am like a parent now.  I will not see my or his old age security wasted.

I will just have to learn new ways to get it all done.

Interestingly pdh is being pretty good overall with these changes.  I think at his core he is relieved to have the responsibility off of himself.

Sadly he complained about not bei g able to drive or get money out of the bank.  Got all huffy and puffy and threatened to take half and move to another state.  Turns out he wanted a basket of fries from McD and thought I would say no.

I am dealing with a large child.  My expectations are so low now not much hurts.

hhaw

Lordy, 1foot....
does he live WITH you?

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

1footouttadefog

Yes.

Fortunately we have a nearly finished basement.  I have a studio Partment like bedroom with a full bath and a full kitchen and a large space for media and another for a giant table I use for crafts and hobbies.
Pdh is content to watch TV a great deal of the time.

Most of his concerns regard meals and getting out to eat and junk food.  I am order g meal kits and the kids are fixing them twice a week and learning huge amounts about how to cook.  It's are a 5 way win win.  Pdh look forward to the meals, we dont have to go out with him as much, they are healthier, they cost less than eating a healthy meal out, I get a delightful break from cooking and treated as well.  My eldest pd needed the experience in the kitchen and her confidence is increasing.

We are in a strange place where things are stable but only because he is so dependent.  I fear what the future holds, but am enjoying this plataue and trying to get ready for the next phases.

In the mean time I am pursueing goals and hobbies.  I broke ground on a property that I have and want to develop as a small organic farm operation as my old age part time job.


hhaw

You sound stable, grounded and focused......even balanced, imo, 1foot.

The kids are growing and learning to adult

You're not letting frustration and resentment rule you.

You're tending to self care.  Exploring your future.....putting plans in place....pulling triggers. 

I'm impressed by your ability to accept a tough reality and get on with your life.

Your problem solving skills seem up to current challenges.

Well done.





hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

1footouttadefog

Regarding me time.  A local hiking group did a hike that goes through both suburban neighborhoods and park Greenway. It was followed by getting a beer at a local micro.

I did better on the hike than I thought and the 5 miles went quickly.

There were some interesting folks and everyone was polite for the most part.  There was one obvious narc/bpd type.  So nice to be Out of the FOG and not take her seriously or personally.  I could just recognize her moves and almost laugh to myself.

She was supposedly a hiking leader who takes tours to hike in Europe etc.  She was chatting with me until I mentioned I had traveled in Europe three times but had not gotten to anything beyond urban hiking.  I saw her chat up two other women then abruptly drop them also.  Later at the micro, I found out they had also both traveled extensively in Europe, one as career army.  I think she feared we could sniff out the bs in her banter.

It was a nice outing and even a pd being there was not a spoiler.


hhaw

Nice, 1foot.  Sounds like a really nice day🌞
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt