Using a disclosure as a weapon against me

[biggerfish]

DH has a few PD traits, and because I came from PD parents, my DH's few traits trigger me. One way I've coped is to not disclose too much about my inner life. I've tried in different ways to explain why, and he seemed to have come around to understanding. Or so I thought.

For example, I told him years ago that if I go on or off my "meds" (for anxiety) I don't want him watching me closely to see if there's any change. I don't want him saying, "You see! You're acting this way because you're off your meds." Instead, I just want him to treat me like a normal person. But still, I decided it best not to tell him when I'm on or off, and he doesn't ask. So that's all good.

Well, recently, I decided to disclose something else to him. With much help from another support group and some self-help reading, I've come to understand that I try too hard to control what other people think of me. It was an exciting revelation because it suddenly became easy to drop my old habit of caring what people think. I always knew I had that problem, but understanding it in this new way was big. So I shared that revelation with him, about three days ago.

Then yesterday, he brought it up. In an unrelated conversation, he asked, "Are you trying to control what I think?" Yes indeed, folks. He really did say that. So right away, I called him on it, and he seemed not to understand what I was talking about. I could use some help from all you folks on how to explain to him why this is a bad idea. DH does have the capacity; he's just a little dense. I just don't want him bringing up personal disclosures I've shared, and using them in our interactions. I don't think that's too much to ask.

What I did say to him, which backfired terribly, was that he was using my disclosure as a weapon against me. Now he's on the defensive. I'm feeling stuck and sad right now. He still doesn't "get" it.

I did do a good job after that of not turning it into World War 3, so I'm feeling good about that. I simply told him that I intend to go back to not disclosing my personal inner life to him. I just don't know where to go from here.

Please, if you have any thoughts, do share them. Can I request, though, that you only share thoughts if you've read this post thoroughly and if you've had any experience with this? My heart is sore right now. It's not healthy to control what others think or do or say, but it's quite healthy to make requests. Thanks! 

[Cat of the Canals]

I've experienced this and know how much it can almost feel like they are playing a "gotcha" game. It's like you revealed an inner flaw, and they can't help but walk over and poke at it. "Look! Your flaw is showing!"

I think some people (especially PDs) absolutely do this on purpose. But I also think there are other people that might interpret your sharing as an "open invitation" to discuss it. They might even think they're helping. Obviously I can't say which is which in your case.

Maybe you could explain that you are making yourself very vulnerable by sharing such things, and that when they get brought up without warning, you are thrust back into that vulnerability, and it's not a good feeling.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-husband, like your DH, has some PD traits, although not as many as his late father. I discovered, much to my disappointment, that sharing personal things almost never worked out well. That it felt unsafe to me to talk about (my) personal things wasn't the main reason I decided to get a divorce, but it sure didn't make the marriage better.

[JustKeepTrying]

I understand this and here is a suggestion if the others don't work.

"When I shared a feeling, thought or inner life thing it was to lean on you, share with you and create a bubble of trust.  I did not share to have you fix it or to bring it up in the future.  If I want to talk about and get your opinion, I will ask you your opinion."

If said in a clear and non-confrontational voice, it is setting a clear boundary and not at all wrong on your part.  Good luck.

[1footouttadefog]

At some point I had to accept my spouse is incapable of complex emotional contemplation and discussion.

I had to find other outlets for such conversations.

[Poison Ivy]

  My ex is willing to talk about his own feelings and inner life to some extent. But it seems clear that he doesn't want to hear about mine.

[Mary]

Good job in not turning it into WW3 and also growing in your own knowledge of caring about what others think.

It seems that maybe you were testing the waters on if it was safe or healthy to share part of your inner self in that manner to that level. And it appears not so much.

From the Love and Respect marriage videos (Eggerichs), I know that I as a woman have a need for connection through conversation with my spouse. Yet it is not safe for me to share most of my inner self. So I make a point of connecting with him by discussing food (this can really get my DH to open up surprisingly), his work, inconsequential things about the kids, and the like. This helps us to have a somewhat warm relationship some of the time.

Hope this helps.
Mary

[biggerfish]

  Every response to my post has shown love and insight, and I want to thank all of you. I am still figuring this out, but now I have you all as my support group. However I land with this, I do know this -- what I have in my situation is what author Laura Doyle likes to call "the perfectly good husband." So if I decide to avoid personal stuff with him, it will be with some peace and acceptance. Not all husbands fit the description of "perfectly good husband," but mine really does.

Amusingly, I changed Laura Doyle's expression just slightly, to suit my situation. So I refer to him as my "perfectly good stupid husband."

[blacksheep7]

I'm sorry you've experienced this with your DH, the one person we should trust 100%.

Most Pds (not saying your dh is one) use disclosures as weapons.  Oh yes.   Unfortunately we all learned by experience but it does have a positive note for future conversations.

My exs and NM.    They want us to confide but use it against us............not to trust.

You've got it, some things are best kept to ourselves or to a good trusted friend or support group.

[biggerfish]

You've got it, some things are best kept to ourselves or to a good trusted friend or support group.

Yes. I believe this is where I've landed. Just because he's my husband doesn't mean we have to be "close." In fact, not needing to confide in him may well take pressure off him to shed every last freakin' flea before responding. LOL but true.

Thank you again to all of you for your thoughtful replies. It helps so much to talk things out with people who understand! And it helps, too, that the behaviors are more important here than any specific diagnosis.