Dumping things on my doorstep...chapter 3

[blues_cruise]

My father just came to my home and dumped a load of my old schoolwork and what looks to be the entire collection of family photo albums on my doorstep. I've been sad and anxious in the past when this happened but at this moment I am completely and utterly ****ed off with it. He's been doing this roughly once a year for the past three years and is blatantly actively saving these things to offload on me. It's immature, not to mention emotionally manipulative, and I'm getting sick of opening the front door to bin bags of stuff that doesn't even specifically belong to me. One bin bag is full of old albums containing photographs of all three of his grown children as youngsters, plus my mother, his deceased wife. This latest one has horrified me to be honest.

I'm really tempted to write him a letter telling him to leave me alone once and for all, but I know this will open up a can of worms so I'm venting here instead. Plus he probably wants the reaction and now he's done this it will be out of his system for a few months hopefully until something new triggers him. At least it's a reminder that he doesn't change and that I'm doing the right thing by staying away from him. I'm contemplating a cease and desist letter but not sure how this works in the UK or if it's even worth the hassle, he'll just claim that he's a doting father who's doing a loving thing by offloading the contents of his loft on to his daughter. 

[Hepatica]

My father does this as well. There was a bag of stuff hanging on my doorknob about once a month for a long time. I used to go through it but sometimes there would be a note in there that was off and strange, something that didn't sit right, so I asked my husband to go through the bags from then on, just in case there was something worth keeping. All of it has stopped now because I put a lock on the gate that is the entrance to my house. I can see people come up the driveway  so I know what's going on, and this is great and it seems to have made my uNfather's the behaviour stop. He won't leave a bag at the gate, in case it gets rained on, or taken.

I considered a cease and desist as well because his notes were getting really bad and accusatory. But so far this works. When people ask why the lock is there I tell them a half-truth. We did have a prowler in our garden more than once and all around the neighbourhood people were having someone go through their sheds, so I tell them I worried about our bikes and other important items getting stolen.

It has been good too, because now people call before they come. It's like having to be buzzed in if you live in an apartment building.

The question is: Who knows WHY they do this?

[Leonor]

Oh yeah!

My mom had offered to store our wedding gifts (all things she thought I should register for, like crystal and fine china-- for grad students!) until we moved from our rented flat into our home.

By the time we moved into our house, I had already been disowned by her. And three years later, on Christmas Eve, no less, appeared by courier ALL THE GIFTS, silly-wrapped like a crazy person and dumped on our porch.

My dh was livid. I mean, what a $#@& thing to do. Especially with our preschooler at the door, clapping with delight because he thought it might be from Santa.

I sold all of it on eBay.

[Cat of the Canals]

Talk about passive-aggressive! I think you're right that acknowledging it at all would just give him supply. He knows exactly what he's doing, and it's always better in those cases to give them no reaction at all. Still, I'm sorry you're being subjected to these unpleasant little surprises. Makes me very glad (again) to live a long distance from PDmom and PDmil.

[Andeza]

I'm very glad to have distance from my uBPDm as well. However, she's more the type to hold onto all the crap until the day she dies, then I have to deal with it. And in her mind, I'm sure she gets a kick thinking about how guilty I'll feel going through the crap after she dies.

Jokes on her. I don't do guilt.

As for your situation, I'd take a moment and think through it. Does he have anything that you would really want to keep? If not, then I might just automatically trash anything that made it to my step.

Additionally, he's trespassing. He's already breaking the law.

[blues_cruise]

The question is: Who knows WHY they do this?

To remind us that they're still there and to get supply when something's triggered them, I think. In the case of my father I know he's been in hospital recently, so this will be trying to guilt trip and goad me into contact. My stepmother posted a curt little note through my letterbox saying that it had been she who had been having a clear out and thought I might like to have these things. So basically this woman who married him for his money late in life deemed it appropriate to give away photo albums containing photos of my late mother and all my father's children at various life stages, and he was fine with that.  I think they're both as vile as each other and a match made in heaven (or hell maybe, depending on which way you look at it). At least these photos are safe with me now and I can share them with my siblings. I'll probably scan and upload them all eventually so we can all have access to them.

Good call on getting a lock for your gate! I did this with a couple of mine and it's made me feel far more secure. I haven't done it with the front gate so anyone can come to the front door, though I do have a camera set up so I can at least see who's at the door and choose whether to answer or not. We get a lot of deliveries so it's been so helpful.

My dh was livid. I mean, what a $#@& thing to do. Especially with our preschooler at the door, clapping with delight because he thought it might be from Santa.

I sold all of it on eBay.

What a petty thing for your mom to do, sounds like typical N behaviour doing it right on Christmas Eve too.  I love that you sold it all, good for you! 

Talk about passive-aggressive! I think you're right that acknowledging it at all would just give him supply. He knows exactly what he's doing, and it's always better in those cases to give them no reaction at all. Still, I'm sorry you're being subjected to these unpleasant little surprises. Makes me very glad (again) to live a long distance from PDmom and PDmil.

Thanks Cat, yeah it's really reminded me how passive-aggressive and cruel he is. Having had a solid few years of no contact and being surrounded by mentally healthy people I forget what he's capable of, though increasingly I just give him little thought to be honest until he does something like this. He's had all this time to attempt meaningful contact and has never once chosen to do it, other than these random guilt trips once a year or on my birthday. I'm glad you've got physical distance, it must be lovely! I used to fear what would happen if he randomly turned up while I was home, and now after it happening my feeling is pretty much just  It's been really good to feel angry about it and process that actually, it was something that could never happen when I was stuck living with him and it's so healing!

I'm very glad to have distance from my uBPDm as well. However, she's more the type to hold onto all the crap until the day she dies, then I have to deal with it. And in her mind, I'm sure she gets a kick thinking about how guilty I'll feel going through the crap after she dies.

Jokes on her. I don't do guilt.

As for your situation, I'd take a moment and think through it. Does he have anything that you would really want to keep? If not, then I might just automatically trash anything that made it to my step.

Additionally, he's trespassing. He's already breaking the law.

Love it, I'm increasingly not doing guilt either. I've really noticed any toxic shame wearing away over the last few months. Yesterday would have once sent me into a panic attack, whereas this time round I was just healthily angry and my resolve to keep my boundaries in place was strengthened even further.

In fairness, all the stuff they've been leaving on the doorstep belonged to me when I was a child and some things have sentimental value, so it has been stuff that I want to keep so far. Not all of it has necessarily been mine, for instance things which belonged to my mother. They think it's guilt tripping me but actually I'm just thankful to have it back! It's very telling that photos and old schoolwork is of no interest to him, but then he was never involved or showed any interest at the time either, so what's new?

It's stringing it out over several years and leaving me haughty, passive-aggressive notes with it that winds me up initially, until I calm down and see how calculated and pathetic it is. My step mother doesn't drive so I think she's getting these clear outs out of the way now while he can still chauffeur her around, rather than being left with it all to sort out when he eventually dies. Regardless, it's all about them and their needs as per usual, rather than any kind gesture or attempts at genuine reconciliation.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I can't believe this is happening to you again blues cruise. It's awful. Ultimate passive aggression indeed. Cease and desist or a restraining order sound good right about now.

Sending hugs....

[blues_cruise]

I can't believe this is happening to you again blues cruise. It's awful. Ultimate passive aggression indeed. Cease and desist or a restraining order sound good right about now.

Sending hugs....

Yeah, the manipulative mind games he tries to play are tiresome. The bag of school work was very small and could easily have been left with last year's batch and the photo albums could have either been held on to or passed to a couple of siblings, who are still in contact with him. It really was just an excuse to be antagonistic out of nowhere. Thanks for the support and hugs. 

[Sidney37]

Blues.  I'm so sorry he is doing this again.  I do think it's a way to punish and remind us that they are out there.  I also think that because PDs think that we think exactly the same way that they do, that they see this as a punishment.  I'm not sure if your father is doing this for that reason or not,  In the case of many PDs if someone did this to them it would be upsetting, so if they do it to us to punish.  Stuff has meaning to them in a way it doesn't to us.  Rejecting the stuff seems to be a rejection of us or a punishment in their minds.

My PDm is too far away to drop things and too cheap to mail them.  One of her old tricks (she had many) when I didn't call twice a day every day was to have enD text a picture of something she thought I cared about of mine that was at her house with a message that if I didn't start calling again (twice a day every day) that she would throw away the item.   As I got older, had a house and got everything I wanted out of their house, he started texting me pictures of old toys of mine that I didn't even know she had saved. It seemed she had hoarded my old belongings in my grandmother's attic.    If I didn't start calling again, they would throw random toy that I didn't remember and didn't want in the trash.  She was stunned and furious when I said I didn't want random old toy and to just toss it.

I think they have emotional reasons to keep these things and they assume that we have the same attachments to these items.  In my case, I didn't remember them and had no attachment to them at all.

It really struck me how she needed to save useless items that had sentimental value just to her a few years ago when I was first coming Out of the FOG.  I bought my first house with a basement and attic.  Within just a few weeks PDm and enD packed up a uhaul with the few things I had left at their house and countless boxes of old family trinkets, dishes, mismatched silverware (not silver or with anything), all of the family funeral signature books from the last 50 years  , weird old worthless and broken furniture, and a bunch of other things that they thought should be kept, was worth nothing and I didn't want.  A few months later she was here to visit and found a 50 year old tacky old butter dish and gravy boat from those boxes (one still in the original package - never used) in a box of things that I was going to donate.  She flipped out.  It was a wedding gift of hers from Mr. And Mrs. So and so.  I couldn't give that away.  I pointed out they were not my style, never used and if she cared about them so much she could take them home with her. Oh no.  She didn't want them.  She won't use them and has no room for them.  But no one can get rid of them or any of the junk.  She's been storing it in grandmother's attic for all of these years.     I realized it was hoarding by proxy.  She doesn't want it, but someone has to keep it.  Well, that someone isn't me.  We don't have the emotional attachment to stuff that they do and we don't find the rejection of junk a punishment.

[chowder]

Leonor, that was just downright cruel, for her to do that to you and your family.

In my case, S has never had a relationship with me or anyone in our extended family, cousins, etc.  When M passed, S wrote the obituary and didn't even know the last name of our aunt, and got it totally wrong. 

Then one day out of the blue, a FedEx package arrived for me from S.  Now, when M passed, S didn't even tell me.  So what is the urgency now with sending something FedEx...if you can't call to tell me about M's death, there's really nothing else on this planet that would warrant your urgency.

So I refused the package, sent it back unopened.  I was seven months pregnant, and would not let anything upset me.  It was also two days before Christmas.

I found out later that the package contained family photographs and other sentimental items.   Glad I didn't let myself be manipulated and sucked into her games.    This is exactly something that M would have done, and I finally was Out of the FOG and wise to their machinations.   She could tell her friends how I *refused* a package, but her actions were so much more sinister than that.   

Bluescruise, sounds like he's trying to get a rise out of you.  Perhaps you could return the items and say you'll be glad to take them when you're ready/have room, etc. , and do it on your own terms.

[blues_cruise]

Blues.  I'm so sorry he is doing this again.  I do think it's a way to punish and remind us that they are out there.  I also think that because PDs think that we think exactly the same way that they do, that they see this as a punishment.  I'm not sure if your father is doing this for that reason or not,  In the case of many PDs if someone did this to them it would be upsetting, so if they do it to us to punish.  Stuff has meaning to them in a way it doesn't to us.  Rejecting the stuff seems to be a rejection of us or a punishment in their minds.

My PDm is too far away to drop things and too cheap to mail them.  One of her old tricks (she had many) when I didn't call twice a day every day was to have enD text a picture of something she thought I cared about of mine that was at her house with a message that if I didn't start calling again (twice a day every day) that she would throw away the item.   As I got older, had a house and got everything I wanted out of their house, he started texting me pictures of old toys of mine that I didn't even know she had saved. It seemed she had hoarded my old belongings in my grandmother's attic.    If I didn't start calling again, they would throw random toy that I didn't remember and didn't want in the trash.  She was stunned and furious when I said I didn't want random old toy and to just toss it.

Wow, that's actual blackmail. This is the thing, if you really wanted this stuff you would have made a point to retrieve it. I love that you were able to call her bluff on that one!

I think you're right, he does this to remind me that he exists and won't go away. Like a bad smell frankly. Annoyingly it works too because i become hypervigilant and start looking over my shoulder every time I walk out of my front door.  This had really abated over lockdown so it's frustrating. I can't do much about it though, other than lots of self care and trauma release exercises until I'm in the position to properly do something about moving house.

So I refused the package, sent it back unopened.  I was seven months pregnant, and would not let anything upset me.  It was also two days before Christmas.

I found out later that the package contained family photographs and other sentimental items.   Glad I didn't let myself be manipulated and sucked into her games.    This is exactly something that M would have done, and I finally was Out of the FOG and wise to their machinations.   She could tell her friends how I *refused* a package, but her actions were so much more sinister than that.   

Bluescruise, sounds like he's trying to get a rise out of you.  Perhaps you could return the items and say you'll be glad to take them when you're ready/have room, etc. , and do it on your own terms.

I think you did well to refuse that package. No-one needs that kind of stress in their life, particularly when pregnant. If F had sent these things by courier I would have been tempted to refuse the delivery, however as annoying as it is I think returning them would be poking the bear. He would see this as a "win" because he would get a response and would know exactly what he had to do in future to try to get another response.

I mean, how much can still be up in his loft anyway?! I'll probably start getting other people's stuff too once he runs out of my old things, that will be the next thing. 

[moglow]

In the case of many PDs if someone did this to them it would be upsetting, so if they do it to us to punish.  Stuff has meaning to them in a way it doesn't to us.  Rejecting the stuff seems to be a rejection of us or a punishment in their minds.

Interesting, I'd not thought of it that way but yes! Mine went full on scorched earth when brothers and I moved out (moved to Daddy's when we were still in high school), dropped everything we left behind at the local landfill. Our most recent school portraits were left on the wall but other than that we were erased completely. Point of no return and betrayal to her I guess - to this day, there's nothing in her house to indicate any family at all. No pics of us or her grandchildren anywhere to be seen. Mother is/was historically an ignoring parent and I'd honestly never made this particular connection before.

[Call Me Cordelia]

In the case of many PDs if someone did this to them it would be upsetting, so if they do it to us to punish.  Stuff has meaning to them in a way it doesn't to us.  Rejecting the stuff seems to be a rejection of us or a punishment in their minds.

I think you're on to something. It rings true particularly for my borderline hoarder family members. I would be "punished" by withholding things from me all the time. As a child, I couldn't have the clothes, toys, etc. I actually wanted. The little Christmas gifts and art I made were taken "to the office" not displayed. As an adult, stuff my parents no longer wanted and would have been useful to me was immediately given away to somebody else.

I also refused an absurdly large Christmas box soon after going NC. I didn't know whether it would make it back to them or not, but apparently it did. I didn't much care I just wasn't going to deal with it. They absolutely lost their shit. I didn't know what was in the box but whatever it contained it was a heaping pile of guilt trip and nope, not for me and my family.

Blues I'm glad your dad's chosen form of "punishment" actually works out for you in that it's actually some things you want to keep, but gah it sounds stressful just the same! Since you know what these "care packages" are like, can your DH or somebody intercept them for you? I was having my DH be the only one to get the mail for a long time, and he still looks out for me by checking the Informed Delivery emails he signed up for from the Postal Service. You can choose whether you want to even know about them, or if you do happen to see it, whether you go through it then or shove in the attic or wherever until YOU are ready to deal with it. Whether that be tomorrow or in ten years or more.

[Fortuna]

My mom did this as retaliation for giver her back a book that contained some of her family history while I was doing a declutter. I found later she felt giving it back was like a "knife through the back that I twisted into her" So she decided to 'declutter' all the stuff that had me in it from her life. Cue a weekly barrage of file folders of pictures, news clippings, old schoolwork, and so on. At first I just thought, hey she's organizing, no big deal. Then I noticed it was only ever stuff about me. Once I learned she felt giving her the book was a personal slight, I put it together that this was punishment for hurting her. I took a single thing about her distant ancestry out of my life and she repeatedly took several things about me out of her life. I'm still amused she thinks this was punishing me in some way.