Anyone had any success convincing BPD family members to get therapy?

[realitybaths]

Over the last couple of years, my extended family has been put through the ringer because of my BPD or NPD (not sure which, maybe a little bit of both) sister. If you see my post history, the real hell started when she accused my 13 year old daughter of being sexually inappropriate with her male cousin after an innocent and fun-loving lake outing. It was lie which she brought my parents into, my wife into, caused me to lose time at work because of the fallout, and a whole host of other things. My parent both suffered sexual abuse as children, and this seemed like it was kind of her override / top card to really rock the family. 

Fast forward 2 years and things have gotten much worse, if that is even possible.  My sister has brought my hypochondriac (and I think NPD) Mom into a world of paranoia, fear, self-quarantine and narcissistic victim-hood regarding approaches to Covid (there are hardly any cases anymore where I live).  She won't even deign to acknowledge the existence of my brother and I, and my parents have very much admitted to siding with her now on all issues it seems.  We are constantly being gaslighted with a revisionist history about what happened over the last several years.  It's utterly maddening.

My brother and I say that we really can't be together as an extended family ever again without some kind of mediated therapy. However, my Mom and sister are dead set against this, because I think it would expose this broken and frankly sort of evil system in place.

I would like advice on how to move forward, if anyone has any they can offer.

[bloomie]

realitybaths - hi there. What a house of cards your sister seems to be building and possibly coercing your mom into the mix.

This has all had to be so painful and I am sorry to hear this is continuing to grow more concerning and maddening.

This may not be what you hoped to hear, but in my own experience with a disordered sibling who is hell bent on destruction and who has such powerful influence over parents... you and your brother have already done the most important and loving thing you can do. Refuse to go along and subject yourselves and your family to any more of what seems to be a terribly toxic level of destructive behaviors on your sister's part.

In our own case, we did go to one mediated session with a very reluctant sibling and insisting we go parents. It was an unmitigated disaster.

We found when the level of enmeshment is this high... where a parent(s) believe with little question outrageous accusations made by an untrustworthy sibling the very best thing we could possibly do is remove ourselves from close connection where more harm could be done.

What we have been left with are parents who insist we rug sweep and put ourselves and children in harms way and carry on as 'happy families' and our parents have become entrenched in that position and their narrative is... 'your sibling is a good person...' despite clear evidence to the contrary. They have definitively linked arms and taken a strong position in complete support of the sibling.

Very hard to see happening and concerning as they have grown older and even more vulnerable. The best thing I can suggest is keep doing what you are doing to heal and process this as you recognize the grief and loss this potentially brings.

[realitybaths]

Oh thanks so much. What you just described, however, painful, is almost the exact same predicament my brother and I appear to be in. It's almost like I could have written what you wrote two years from now after what I believe would certainly be a very botched and failed attempt and mediated therapy.

We were always supposed to push everything under the rug, "for the good of the family."  I've realized, too, that my sister had a quite negative effect on me through the time we have lived in the same town, without me knowing it: I've always been constantly trying to please my family here and make them believe that I can deal with anything nasty they throw my way (there has been a lot of low level stuff).  I never spoke up until my innocent and fun loving daughter was entangled (unawares) in this vicious web. 

Thankfully, she never found out about the accusations, and she and her cousin are great friends still. My wife and I believe that if we had told her the things my sister and my Mom wanted us to tell her, it would have shattered her happy and innocent world.  Two years down the road I still reel from it.