Depressed! Don't know where to post this!

[I.Matter]

Today was quite a day.  I've been having bouts of bad depression.  I work out but there are only so many hours that I can exercise.  I feel that I'm in Neverland and going around and around.    Background:  I was laid off in April due to the pandemic, My mom passed in July,  I live alone and often have no one to talk with.  I have two sisters who could give a damn and never check up on me (both are PD).   In November I found out that I was disinherited and the GC got everything.   I was going to move to be closer to one sibling and for a fresh start if I had received anything from the inheritance.  Now I can't.   The GC sister told me at our Mother's funeral that she got an apartment without a job and couldn't believe it and maybe I could too.  Ok, and how will I pay for it and everything else without a job?   Our mother supported her entirely (apt, gym membership, cars, clothes, vacations, insurance both health, car etc) and more things that I'm unaware of.   I have worked my entire life and never received anything.   The other sibling fooled our Mom into giving her a vast amount of money to build a new home, although both she and her spouse work and have a vacation condo.   I call them the grifter siblings.    Lastly, a friend who i trusted and confided in told me today that I was hard to be friends with.  He never said this  before my Mother passed and he also said that most of this long time friends were not hard to get along with like myself.  Another strike.  I keep crying and for the life of me I don't understand what the heck is going on?   I am truly all alone.   I want to improve and not carry all this into 2021 but sometimes the hurt is unbelievable. 

[ShyTurtle]

  I want to improve and not carry all this into 2021 but sometimes the hurt is unbelievable.

Im so sorry you are having such a difficult time! I once wondered what I was missing and what I was getting wrong in life. I can recall this time last year when I felt like I had already hit rock bottom several months before (total existential depression) and finally my number got called to start real therapy. Because I was in an abusive relationship with an upd person, I was able to get help through my local Womens services.

It turned out that being raised by a upd mother had destroyed my soul and set me up for a lifetime of difficulty if I hadn't taken action and done something about it. Through CBT I was able to completely rescript my core beliefs about myself and cope with CPTSD. It took about nine months of therapy, but I am in such a better place now. It wouldn't have been possible without this work.

I hope that you too can find some real solutions for yourself.

[bloomie]

I.Matter - you do! You matter. Grieving this huge and inexplicable choice of your mother's to disinherit you has to be so hard. There is no one to ask why? Only accepting what we cannot change and grieving through the deep wound it leaves.

It must feel like pain on every side right now from what you describe with your siblings and this friend. I am sorry you are hurting.

Something that I have awakened to in my healing journey from family/mother wounding is to be intentional in how I choose connection with other people. For a very long time I continued to go back to people like your siblings who had nothing to give me. They were either incapable or unwilling to show even a reasonable level of reciprocity in the relationship. I returned to family members and long held friendships because I mistakenly believed that was where I would find trustworthy and loving connection.

I have learned to examine if the relationship brings pain, works for me, is edifying, or if the other person is passive and I do all of the heavy lifting in the relationship. I have come to understand that as an adult child from unstable and neglectful parents I cannot emotionally afford relationships that are not grounded in mutual respect and loving kindness.

That left me pretty isolated and alone for some time and I learned to sit in that and let a sense of empowerment and peace fill that space as I drove out neediness and a false sense of unworthiness that attempting to build something of value with people who are not available - for whatever reason- was bringing to my life.

I don't know what your friend meant about you being hard to be friends with, but telling you that and not giving you more indications of why they were  making that statement and comparing you to the friends who are 'not hard to get along with' is not productive and useful for your life. It seems to leave you with more questions than answers and maybe it is time to put that on a shelf until you can handle examining it?

You have had a lot in a short time on your plate. Do what you can. Process, grieve, share and begin to build around yourself a support system as you are able. For me, that was so many things, but did include help from a trained professional where I was able to, like ShyTurtle, examine and rework my core beliefs about myself and others and my place in this world and what would truly bring about a satisfying and peaceful life.

Keep coming back and sharing your journey! I would love to know how you are doing.

[I.Matter]

Thank you Shy Turtle and Bloomie for your thoughts and responses.    I took some time to think things thru and realized that I need to love myself.  I've loved others even more than myself.    As a result, I've been overlooked and disrespected.   I'm leveling up my life and taking the time  to continue to process my feelings and some residual pain.   I'm usually pretty hard on myself and I've stuffed my feelings for such a long time.    I will allow others to reach out to me if they want to...In the past, I was the person who constantly tried to engage others and over complimented others so that I was seen as a "nice" person.    That has stopped. 

I also put the friend on "hold".   I have to concentrate on myself and my mental health.   The funny thing is boundaries setting caused this person to tell me that I am/was hard to get along with.   I really feel that he objectifies women and I didn't notice it at first but as I've gotten to know him much better, I see it now with some of the comments that he has made to me about other women to me, a woman! 

I'm searching for a therapist who is well versed  in understanding N relationships!  Keeping hope alive.

My motto is God first, then me and everyone else get in line.   

[zak]

There will be life on the other side of this time. I too was passed over in favour of other siblings in our family inheritance. The three PD's who were manipulative and demanding received it all, while two non-PD's who are more reticent received nothing. This was several decades ago and came at a time when we were struggling with a mortgage, bills, small children and hardship ourselves. I can remember well the depression and frustrated rage that felt as though it had no outlet. I can remember just how impossible it was to hear the PD siblings that received denying that I had any grounds to be wounded. I can remember the bleak sadness and feelings of being utterly worthless that consumed me then. I was an easy target for NPD's like my siblings and parents and made some unhealthy friendships at that time.

But....I had some therapy sessions, I started reading and learning , I started meditating and being deeply reflective and bit by bit it began to pass and better days came. Yes, the money would have been a God-send back then, but now, after having done my own  heavy lifting, I'd rather not have had that tainted money.

Today, the investment I made in myself is worth more than any amount of money. The siblings that received are miserable, unhappy people with chaos and wrecked relationships throughout their lives. I have a loving husband and great relationships with my children, their partners and grandchildren.

It's hard to see now, but invest in yourself, your own self-worth and your own mental health. Invest in people and activities that are life-giving for you. Bloomie put it beautifully and even now, her advice was great to read for me too. You are worth it.



To quote T H White

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."

― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

[I.Matter]

So many thoughts and feelings, sometimes it's hard for me to put in all down but I'll try.  I still trying to get the hang on quoting on the site too..lol.

I texted the friend after he referred me to a job.  I texted to say "thank you" and he basically said that I was "too intense" and he could only be friends with me if I dialed down the intensity and apologized for what I said to him about another subject.  And only then could he move forward with a friendship.  He is ultra sensitive and a score keeper.  He seemingly forgot about all the foul things that he's said to me in the past.  He also said that I acted like we were married or in a sexual relationship.  I was in shock.  I have never suggested or said anything that could make him believe that.   He again compared me to his other friends.  I've had enough and decided to block him.   This all happened after my life fell apart.     

I went to an old therapist to talk over some things.  I was telling her about my job search and she said that she received tons of job notifications every week.  And from a resume that she submitted at least 10 years ago?  Most job boards keep resumes for 30-45 days and technology is vastly different today from 10 years ago.  Was this to make me feel bad or something because I'm having some difficulty?  Another therapist that I saw a couple of years ago said the same thing...deja vu and yet this therapist was struggling financially.  I wondered why she didn't just get another gig if she were getting all these job offers and emails.   I almost feel as if I'm being competed with although I'm paying to talk and shift thru some feelings.    Any thoughts on how to pick a good therapist?

[I.Matter]

Thank you Whole Hearted!  I re-read all the replies and yes, I feel now that I'll be fine but that my change tomorrow.   The extra money would have been great and given me a fresh start. I've been struggling financially, emotionally and mentally for a year now.  I would have been able to take a breath and relax in knowing that at least financially things are ok.  I feel that I have PTSD with everything that I've been through.  I can't understand why I would be left out.  I tried my best but I never got involved in the family drama, verbal abuse, triangulation deciding to remain neutral.   Maybe that was it, I don't know.   I remember saying to my sibling that if I got sick during the pandemic who would take care of me?  No one.   Funny she didn't say anything.   I do believe that the GC always had my mother's ear when it came to her money and who was deserving at the moment and who wasn't.  I never was.    She manipulated and schemed and it worked.  There is absolutely nothing that I can do now but to keep moving on in faith.   

[bloomie]

I.Matter - so strange this turn of events with this friend. It's hard to know for sure, but if staying away from the drama, verbal abuse, and triangulation is the reason you were passed by financially, it would seem you got the better end of the bargain. I am sorry theses things are happening at the same time. Hard stuff to be sure.

A great resource that on of our hero members just posted about finding a good therapist may interest you and it is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=87492.0

[Lilyloo]

I like your name. I wanted to send you a    I'm sorry for all you go through. I too have siblings who were special while I got ignored by my uncaring mother.  It affected who i am.  I feel depressed often.  I'm sad you are depressed.  I care. 

[1footouttadefog]

Sorry to read what you have been going through.

Your friend seems to be an in the fog friend.

It seems you are coming increasingly Out of the FOG as you deal with these losses and challenges.

Stay strong, practice self care and self love.  As you heal and process grief, I hope you find your self stronger and on a path to a best possible life.

New friends will be healthier if you are healthier.  Be sure to stay vigilant against the pds who will find you.

You matter, Indeed!